Sunday, December 12, 2010

Delineating

One of the most helpful things I learned from reading Molly Piper's blog on grieving is that grief is not linear.  This has been good information for me lately because otherwise I might think I was backsliding.

A year ago tomorrow we first met one sweet, funny, amazing, interesting girl from Latvia.  I will never forget the first moment I saw her, and I will never for a moment forget her.  She brought joy and laughter into our home and lives, and we thank God for every minute we were blessed to have with her.

We've been busy preparing for Christmas, and in the hustle and bustle of that I have had moments of smiling and laughter.  I have been able to briefly forget the reason for the small physical ache in my gut.  I was moving forward.  But yesterday...yesterday I delineated.  Yesterday I felt so very sad.  I missed her.  I worried that we will never hear from her again.  I tried everything I could think of to distract myself, but eventually I realized I just needed to feel the sad.  It sucked.  I don't want to be sad.  Despite this loss, I know I still have a beautiful life.  I have these two boys who are my joy and my delight.  I have a husband I not only love, but I just plain like too.  Have I mentioned recently how darling my dog is?  My sadness about losing I. doesn't take away the joy my many blessings bring me.  But yesterday I just had to feel the sad.  Otherwise I am afraid it will never dull.

I imagine tomorrow may have moments of grief as I think about how much can change in year - the good and the bad of 365 days.  But I also hope I will have moments of hope and joyful expectation as many other families across the U.S.A. welcome their Latvian Christmas children through the hosting program.  Although grief is not linear, there are steps forward to be made.  I pray each day I find a bit more joy one small step at a time.

2 comments:

Renovation Girl said...

I'm thinking of you, Ann, and sending you lots of virtual hugs.

FaerieMama said...

beautiful post. I'm thinking of you.