Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Nov. 24

(I wrote this this morning more as a personal journal entry because we are not being given the space on this blog we need to grieve as a family.  But after re-reading this, I decided to go ahead and post this.  I don't want to be afraid any more of what may or may not get lost in translation.  Please know my heart.  I don't mean to hurt anyone with my words, but keeping everything to myself has just added to the pain of our failed adoption.)

I so wish I could use my blog to put my thoughts down on paper, and I feel even more frustrated and hurt that it doesn’t seem to be a safe place for my honest feelings right now.  As if enough hasn’t been taken...
But for now, I will put my thoughts here and hope someday I can share them online.
Right now the question I seem to be wrestling with is where do we go from here?  I know it seems pretty early in the grieving process to even begin to think about this, but I wonder if it is my way of avoiding more sadness for now.  You know the saying that when God closes a door, He always opens a window?  I wonder if I am looking for an open window so I don’t have to hear the sound of a door slamming in the background.  Maybe if I look ahead, I won’t have to look back and deal with the pain of the loss.  In some ways I can’t imagine moving forward towards another adoption.  We weren’t looking to adopt - we were looking to add one sweet, wonderful, amazing girl who was already in our hearts to our home.  But now I am left wondering...what now?  
I have no idea what our family will do.  I know that for the next few months (at least) we will try and recover and readjust our expectations of our family life.  In an attempt to make the transition as easy as possible for her, we had planned a lot of our short term future to meet her needs and provide her with reassurance, love, and stability.  It is a huge mental and emotional shift for all of us, the boys included.  We are slowly making that change, but the progress is minimal at best for now.
One thing that will never change is our love and care for her.  She is one of a kind - a jewel.  She is amazing and precious, and we trust that God will continue to hold her in His arms and meet all of her needs according to His glorious riches.  And we will continue, moment to moment, to trust Him with our family’s future without her. 

1 comment:

Kat said...

I feel like crying for all the hurt I see in your writing. it's a loss, huge...some may not understand that a child in your heart, may not be in your arms, but still stays on your heart. Hugs and Prayers.....