Yesterday Inessa left our arms and headed back to Latvia. Today I have had many people ask, "How are you?"
Well, if you really want to know...
I am achy. I feel a little sick. I am literally exhausted from sadness. I am all cried out and hoping for the day to come when the anticipation of her return exceeds the pain of the departures. I want to pick up the phone and call any government agency that has anything to do with our adoption process, and tell them about this girl and how her American family wants her back NOW.
Quite frankly, I am a bit irrational about it all today. Can you tell?
I realize that this probably doesn't make much sense to someone on the outside looking in. Of course, we knew she would have to go back home after five weeks - we had to get a notarized affidavit swearing we would return her at the end of the hosting period. Of course, we realized it would be difficult to say good-bye, regardless of the future. I realize I have two amazing, fun boys at home to take care of and love, and a "normal" life to "get back to". I confess, I always wondered why families in the adoption process spent so much time longing for what was to come instead of focusing on enjoying the good parts of their life pre-adoption. I don't believe that Mark and I are "better than" when it comes to Inessa's life and her future. I know that there will be many difficult times ahead for all of us as we (hopefully soon!) become a family of five. Meanwhile our life is...fine...while we get through the days as a family of four.
Except each of us, in our own way, is walking around with a heaviness that we can distract ourselves from for a moment, but returns to overwhelm us in mere seconds. We are a wonderful family of four. But we are not whole that way. Today we all hurt because we like life with Inessa better.
I wish I could put it all into clear, concise language - the way we are feeling today without our girl. We are sad. We are quiet. We are lonely. But the bottom line is that today we are Inessa-less. And for our family, that just plain stinks.