Sunday, November 29, 2009

A Hot Mess

That's what I am, emotionally. I'm an emotional hot mess.

I've noticed lately that small things are making me weepy, and while I pride myself on not being an emotional robot, I am usually not this prone to tears. It isn't a sadness thing - I think it is more of a tender heart thing. Every little thing that slightly leans towards kindness, generosity, or sentimentality and I end up sniffling and subtly wiping my eyes hoping no one catches me squalling.

I'm not exactly sure what has unleashed the eyeballs. My guess is the beginnings of this are rooted in my Gram's hospitalization. My Gram is 93, legally blind, and has some heart troubles, yet I still can't fathom that she gets sick or might, heaven forbid, decide to die someday. She is the only grandparent I have any memory of, and she is, without a doubt, one of my all time favorite people on the entire earth. Fortunately after a few weeks of hospital TLC, she is at home and doing well again. (Although she is a die hard Steelers fan so if the Sunday Night game doesn't turn around, she is going to be one grouchy lady tomorrow...)

I am guessing that is what started my emotional hot messiness. But to compound it, the holiday commercials have started. And every time - EVERY TIME - I see the Folgers commercial where Peter and his little sister are grown up and he comes home from South Africa and she sticks a bow on him and says, "You're my present", I absolutely melt. The first time I thought it was a sweet commercial with a sweet response on my part. After about the fifteenth time and a soaked shirt sleeve, I started to really wonder about myself.

Then there was the movie, The Blind Side. I know I am passionate about both football and adoption, but after a long line and a late start at the movies, I figured I would be OK through the film. Wrong. Oh so wrong. I cried the kind of tears that don't bother falling down your cheeks - they just shoot horizontally out the eyes. (The poor guy sitting in front of me.) And now just seeing the previews sets me off. Tears, tears, everywhere.

Between Gram, the holiday emotions, and The Blind Side it isn't any wonder I am so weepy, but if I am honest I think a large part of being an emotional hot mess is because we are two weeks away from having Inessa with us for Christmas. I think so much emotion is coming up not just as I look ahead at meeting this sweet girl, but also as I look back and miss Sintija. As I prepare a Christmas package for Sintija, I find myself wondering how she is and what her days hold. I want to know she is safe and well, but I also have come to realize that probably all I can do is pray for her. I may never know how she is a month from now, a year from now, five years from now. I will try to keep in touch with her, but this funny, interesting, unique girl is out of my hands, yet not out of my heart. And that is a hard place to be.

I have no idea what our month with Inessa will be like. While we don't have access at this point to her whole history, we do know that she has had some heartache in her recent past. I don't know all the details, and I don't know how her past will affect her ability to enjoy our time together. I do know we are gearing up to welcome her into our family as one of our own, and I am excited to get to know her. We have some really special things planned to do (She and I are going to see the Radio City Rockettes Christmas show! I can't wait!), but mostly I am looking forward to just getting to know this child from halfway around the world.

Hosting is such an interesting and amazing experience. The fun and the joy of it is greater than I anticipated, but I am also realizing the heartache of the good-byes can be long and lingering. There are big emotions with hosting and I think they may be spilling over (and shooting out) with any extra little twinge of emotional prompting.

So tonight as I watch the Steelers game (even that makes me weepy!), I am keeping the Kleenex close and praying for my Gram, Sintija, Inessa, and that the Folgers commercial doesn't come on any time soon. Hopefully I won't be such a hot mess for long.

1 comment:

Norwood Mama said...

Sweetie-darlin', (that's what I occasionally call my girls) you're going to have to give a sacrifice at the P&G alter if you don't put those Kleenexes down and sob into a Puffs tissue...