Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Here's the Deal

There are so many things in the course of a day that I want to blog about, but inevitably one of two things happens.  Most often, I have the thought but not the time to sit down and pour my thoughts out into the vastness of cyberspace (where only a few shall find them, and at least a few of those who do end up attributing them to the other Ann...).  The other situation that stops me short of the keyboard is the fact that people may actually read my blog.  I want to be real here - really, really real - because I know there are adoption folks and homeschool folks and just plain interested folks who want the real deal.  But I struggle to deliver right now.

My excuse is multi faceted.  For one, I know that I'm on an emotional roller coaster and what I may feel one moment can change the next.  The big picture doesn't change, but depending on sleep quantity, attitudes of children, and strength of faith the little picture can vary enough to make me appear like an unfiltered schizophrenic blogger.  I don't ever want people to think our adoption isn't a great source of joy for us (it always is), and I don't ever want people to think our adoption is struggle free.  (They never are.)

If I am honest, the other reason I struggle to be totally transparent is that I believe being forthright has cost me dearly in the past.  It is my (strong) hunch that some things I shared online perhaps rubbed someone a bit the wrong way, and this person then decided to intervene in our lives in a way that dramatically changed the trajectory of our family forever.  Do I regret where we are now?  Not a chance.  While God used this for good, I can't help but feel burned by this person's intentions and I now come to the "New Post" page with an overcautiousness that stifles words and thoughts.  It is frustrating. I struggle to push past it.  It's not that there are any major cliffhangers in my world to reveal, but I long for the days when I felt safe enough to be honest about the ups and downs and ins and outs of life.  A day is coming very soon when I will get past it, and life on my blog will return to its unfiltered glory, but in the meantime I still find myself biting my cyber-tongue.

To cover the basics, we are doing well.  Homeschooling is a never ending adventure (sometimes the good kind, sometimes the "how the heck do people do this year in and year out?!?!" kind...), we are preparing for our second trip to Latvia in less than a month, and we are heading to PA for a family wedding this weekend.  Tomorrow will be a busy day of math, history, spelling and phonics, grammer, literature, geography, and Bible, while PE will consist of wrestling all the clothes into one or two suitcases.

That's the deal...for now.  Please hang in there with me.  The day will come (and sooner than you may think) when I will feel like I can lay it all out there again.  Until then, I will try to keep things as real as I comfortably can.

Or I'll make stuff up.

Either way.


Renovation Girl said...

I'm nodding my head here, totally understanding the schizophrenic blogger-I, too, head to the blog, then stop short when I realize the post that I am about to write fits perfectly into my story, but not necessarily the story I am presenting online. It's frustrating! I say make crap up-who's going to know the difference!! :) Email me where in PA your wedding is and what roads you take back home...

Kat said...

Making stuff up sounds fun! I think someone needs to do a blog hop called, "Here is what didn't happen to me today." Much easier to be transparent.

Anonymous said...

You share what you need to share and you hold close what you need to hold close. Not everyone needs the transparency, and families in similiar positions will understand. I commend you on the home schooling and still being sane : )