I am participating in an "adoption blog hop" where bloggers who have a connection with adoption can share their stories and heart with other adoption minded folks. Of course, I signed up for this blog hop before our adoption fell through, so my blog and adoption story has taken a turn I didn't expect! But I really want to continue blogging about our situation and our heart because I believe that somewhere there may be another family who has dealt with the pain of a failed adoption or who, heaven forbid, may face this difficult situation in the future. I do not in any way want to be rain on the adoption parade. In fact, quite the opposite is true - we have, more than ever before, a heart deeply affected by adoption, and through the last few weeks we have experienced more emotions than you can imagine when it comes to adoption. There is bad, there is ugly, but most of all there is good. We still firmly believe that.
But back to the blog hop! I was reading another family's adoption blog and I read a great quote that the mom wrote in her journal as they walked out some major twists and turns during one of their adoptions. She wrote, "The truth is, You do allow twists and turns because it forces us to dig deep and grow closer to You." Wow. Something about that really hit me. One of the things I have struggled with the most over the last week or so is that we never had a moment of doubt that we were doing the "right" thing. I don't mean that we had this noble sense of piety mixed with self importance, but that, for our family at this time, Mark and I both felt that we were being led by God. We believed that it was His desire for us to become parents to this amazing girl. In all the times we prayed, neither of us had a moment of doubt or a red flag - if we had, it would almost make this easier.
Meaning well, people have said that God has a plan for our family and that this may be a part of bringing that plan to fruition. I understand where they are going with that, but my sensibilities struggle with the notion that we needed to fail miserably and be broken hearted to get to the "good stuff". And no matter what happens in our family's future, nothing will erase our care and concern for this dear girl and the pain of the last few weeks. It is a real emotional and spiritual struggle, and while I know everyone wants to be able to help us by putting a nice red bow of Truth around what has happened, it isn't that easy.
The comfort in that quote is the reminder that God knows it isn't that easy. The painful twists and turns aren't a cruel sense of "pay attention to Me!" on God's part. But I am amazed and encouraged that God is so good and so faithful a friend that He will take this...mess...and welcome us (and our mess) in His arms and heart. I don't know that I expect God to reveal in perfect sense why this has happened the way it did this side of heaven, but I am so, so thankful that when nothing else makes sense and our hearts are hurting, He is there. I knew He would be there for us in our adoption, I just didn't realize that He is just as faithful when we grieve a failed adoption.
Please don't think this is all unicorns, sunshine, and rainbows. It is an emotional roller coaster, and we have a lot to wrestle through and feel as we move forward with a different life than we had planned. There are moments that feel really difficult. But there are also moments of peace, which I think is just miraculous through all these twists and turns.