A dear friend of mine (one of my two faithful readers!) wrote a post in her own blog about how often she reads blogs and status updates that are chipper and positive and giving glimpses of perfect lives. I admit, I am an outrageous optimist (I'm finding right now that character trait has its down side...), but after taking a look at some of my latest online musings, I realize I am a bit of a cyber-Susie Sunshine. (Or "Sue Darroch, Freshman Year".)
Well, I'm gonna fix that with this post.
I am feeling a little stressed out lately. And I am here to fuss about that a little.
My main stress is Calvin and his consoles. For those of you who may not know Calvin Anatomy, his consoles are his tonsils and they are coming out in six days. I dread this. I mean, stay up at night dreading it. I know. I know. Millions of children have their tonsils out every year and it is no big deal. And it isn't. Until it happens to my Cal Henry. He had fought strep and a bout of scarlet fever off and on for months, and I know from his chainsaw snore it is the right thing to do before he brings home some strep, kindergarten variety. Quite honestly, our pediatrician was shocked we got him this far into the school year. But next Tuesday he will have his tonsils and adnoids removed and we will begin the recovery process over fall break. I know in my head it will be fine. But my heart dreads this like you wouldn't believe. Cal Henry is our karate learning, football playing, weapon wielding boy. Seeing that child not feel well is a total shock to a mama's system. I hate that he will hurt. I worry he will dehydrate quickly. I mourn the loss of a fun fall break for all of us. While I adore my Cal Henry, I just hate his consoles.
I am also going to whine because I am totally out of my groove. I had such a good groove going with the boys in school. I was home where it was quiet and often clean. I walked the dog faithfully, I cooked decent meals, the laundry was caught up. In the last few weeks I feel like my focus has been off my family and my house and on all sorts of busy "stuff" that I can't control and that probably doesn't matter. My house and my peace of mind have paid a huge price for this. As a tattooed, nose pierced red hair dyed gal, I almost cringe to admit that I absolutely LOVE being at home and taking care of my house. I adore being a stay at home mom - not because it's easy! - but because it is what I was made for. And lately I am failing miserably at it. I don't like it from a practical standpoint, and I don't like how it feels to me. I am like Stella - I gotta get my groove back. (Although I am fairly sure she wasn't talking about folding laundry...)
Finally, I am tired of missing our girl. I am tired of thinking about late November, early December waiting for the shoe to drop and my heart to shatter. I know. I know. You don't even have to say it. God's timing. He is in control. There is a reason for everything. Enjoy the season you are in. I hear ya. I do. And most days Ann as Susie Sunshine finds great comfort and peace in all of that. But this past week when we called her and got no answer, when I watched a few summer videos and cried, when we got our USCIS fingerprints done and we began waiting again...well, I got a little tired of our current situation. In all honesty, I appreciate the Latvian system and how well run and thorough it is. I appreciate beyond words the foster family that loves and cares for her. I appreciate the time we've already had with her. But, man! Some days I just wish the waiting was over!
Today this is where I am at. I also know that probably by tonight or tomorrow or surely by the end of the week, I will be back to Sue Darroch, Freshman Year. (Seriously, you all should have seen her. Up with the sun, smiling, trotting off to her 8 o'clock classes, birds perching on her hands while she sang Disney songs...it was amazing...in a freaky sort of way...)
But today I just needed to get out this whine...in case you have some cheese.