Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Too Many Blanks

A month or so ago, we found Inessa on the Latvian version of "Facebook", and messaging back and forth on that site has become our quickest and most reliable form of communication. It has been a huge blessing - because of postage, etc. it is very difficult for the kids to send snail mail back to us in the States, and with Frype we have the luxury of more immediate communication. Because of the time difference and Inessa's schedule, I wake up every morning hopeful to see a message in my inbox from her. While she is often brief, even a word or two with a few emoticons can make our day!

Today I happened to show up online at the same time Inessa did, and we were able to exchange several messages back and forth in the span of ten minutes instead of days. Usually any exchange with her is reassuring, but today we just weren't able to understand each other's messages very well. There were too many blanks where translation just wasn't happening effectively. While I am still grateful for any word from Inessa (even those in Latvian I can't translate!), today left me feeling a little discouraged.

It is so hard to go through each day wondering how Inessa is - I mean, really how she is. At 11, and with all the emotional turmoil she has been through I am not convinced that language is our most difficult barrier when it comes to answering that question. I wonder if she is sad most days. I wonder if she is excited about coming this summer. I wonder if she thinks about being adopted by us. I wonder if we have said the right things to support her. I wonder if we have somehow made her feel pressured to decide about adoption when she may not be ready. I wonder... I wonder...

Today when we clicked offline I was left with more questions than answers about how our sweet girl is doing. I don't need her to be happy or have any "right" answers for us. It isn't that we want or need anything from her, but if she is hurting I want to know so I can pray more specifically, and if she is having a good day I want to celebrate for her. There are so many needs I can't meet for her right now, but those I can I ache to fill when I can get any information.

Right now, this is the hardest part of our journey with Inessa. I want to be there for her, but there are many ways in which I can't. It has been a real walk of faith. There are too many blanks right now, and I just have to trust that God will fill them in in His perfect time.

Meanwhile, I pray and keep checking Frype.

1 comment:

Aly-Rae said...

Praying for you my dear friend.
It seems God is keeping you in the dark and only lighting one step at a time. I can picture Him smiling at you like a patient parent who knows the outcome already, just trying to teach us more faith and trust I suppose.
Love you.