Friday, January 30, 2009

Pressure.

I haven't blogged for a few days, but fear not.  It isn't because I have harmed my children.  We did claw our way through two snow days in a row this week, but no one is worse for the wear, at least physically.  Mentally and emotionally?  Time will tell.

The highlight of our snow days was...snow!  Yes.  We had snow one day and the boys and their friends made the most of it.  While it wasn't quite like the snow days I remember growing up in NW Pennsylvania, it was a good time.  I find myself a southern living convert, but I do think every child at some point in their life needs to play in snow.  A lot of snow.  This wasn't a lot, but it was fun and we made some good memories in it.

Anyway, I digress.  The pressure - that's what I was talking about.

When I haven't blogged for a few days, I always feel a little awkward coming back to it.  I have no idea why that is - perhaps residual people pleasing? - but it's true.  I don't know if I am more concerned that expectations may be high after my absence or if I am more worried I wasn't missed at all.  

I have had a few different posts started in my head (and even some on here), but I wasn't ready or able to post yet.  The snow days delayed me and then the pressure paralyzed me.  I still can't decide what the best topic is for my blogging return (Don't you love how I think my life and thoughts are so important?  I'm living the lie, friends.  Living the lie.).  So to get over this hump, I am going to do a "Random Post" post.  It just feels like the best way to ease back in.

So here we go.

Watched a great movie last night.  Mark and I watched "Fireproof" last night.  I will be the very first to admit that I am not a big fan of either Christian literature or movies, but I am being slowly converted between the Amish books I've been checking out of the library and this film.  Now I do have to say, as a theater student, there were a few moments of "that extra will not be winning an Oscar this year".  But overall it was FABULOUS.  Kirk Cameron plays a firefighter whose marriage is on the rocks.  The movie was sweet, funny, heart wrenching, tender, and beautiful.  There was one scene in particular that I thought was exquisite.  A great movie - and very inspiring.  If you are up for a great movie with a few brief seconds of bad acting (not by the main cast though), you really should rent it.

Speaking of marriage... "Fireproof" emphasizes faith and marriage, and it had me thinking.  When I finished watching the movie last night, I wondered why it has been so hard to show my husband love at times.  I have a great husband.  I think he is truly THE BEST.  So as I went to bed last night, my heart was thankful and full of love for who he is.  I was determined to lavish love on him today.  What could possibly be so hard about that?  

The bedroom was too hot.  The mattress was not comfortable.  I had to get out of bed to take medicine at one point.  By the time the alarm went off this morning, I was exhausted.  I am not sure how much sleep I actually got, but it sure didn't feel like much.  After a trip to the grocery store with a grouchy 4 year old, coming home to a messy kitchen, and an overwhelming desire to become a narcoleptic, I realized that while it is easy to feel love for my husband, it takes work to express it effectively.  I probably take for granted that he knows I love him, and use life's busyness to as an excuse not to dedicate my time and energy to conveying it.  I want to get better about that.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes...mouth too???  Had a random thought over the last few days that has nagged at my heart.  I have been so ready for God to "use" me.  I feel like I am in a holding pattern waiting for Him to direct me.  Both Mark and I have this feeling like God is getting ready to adjust the status quo in our life.  I have a decent amount of fear, but I also am excited to see what lies ahead.  I think I am willing.  I read a quote the other day (can't remember who said it and I am going to have to paraphrase it) that said that we are Jesus' only hands and feet on earth.  I nodded.  OK.  I can do the hands and feet thing.  I'm nervous about it, but we are still talking in the realm of my spiritual comfort zone.  Then God whispered to me, "What about your mouth?  Are you willing to be My mouth on earth?"  And suddenly, I am no longer comfortable.

Now, I know what you're thinking.  Talking is my gig.  Words (and lots of them) are my specialty.  I'm rarely at a loss for them.  But I have complete fear and uncertainty when it comes to my words being used for God.  I am terrified He will ask me to say something uncomfortable or spiritually confrontational OR (worse yet!) He may command me to hold my tongue when I really, really want to be heard.  Controlling my hands and feet for God doesn't sound too daunting - yielding control of my mouth to Him seems frighteningly impossible. 

Everyone back off Jessica Simpson.  Yes, she wore some bad jeans.  But is that really the most important thing going on in our country today?  Yeesh.

OK.  That's enough for now I think.  

Whew.

I'm back.


1 comment:

Renovation Girl said...

You ARE missed when you are "away!!!"

Okay, Kirk Cameron??? Oh my...he was my BIGGEST crush as a teen. Did you know that he and I share the same birthday (Oct 12), but he is, like, two years older than me and I was like the biggest member of his fan club and totally thought I would marry him one day (insert loud gum chewing and hair flipping here...).

Ahem...sorry about that...You were saying...