Thursday, January 1, 2009

My "To Be" List

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to New Years resolutions.  I will admit that as a general rule I don't believe in New Years resolutions.  I figure if God's mercies are new every morning, there was nothing particularly special about the morning of January 1st.  In fact, for several years in a row my resolution was to not make any resolutions and I was fairly successful at that.  

I have lots of hopes for the new year.  I hope my health is fully restored, and to celebrate I want to run a 5K.  I hope sweet friends of mine have their arms filled with the baby they have been praying for.  I hope to write more.  I hope to vacation again with Ang.  I hope to put new flower beds in the back yard.  I have lots of hopes for this year.

On January 1st, 2009 I find myself in the middle of a season when my heart is stirring and no matter how much I try, I can't ignore it.   Since that coincides with the New Year, I have actually put some thought into what I want 2009 to look like.  What I want to accomplish.  What I think God may want to see happen in my life.  And I realized a "to do" list of resolutions probably won't get me any closer to His will for 2009.  Instead of a "to do" list, I have made a short "to be" list for my New Year resolution.

In the new year I want to be more authentic.  I know, sounds like a given.  But being authentic is something that I have had to, or have chosen to, set aside some because of my circumstances.  People ask how I am.  I smile, make a joke, and say good.  Am I good?  Some days, sure.  But most people, including those I am in close friendships with, don't know how I am really doing - not just physically, but emotionally or spiritually.  I am not looking for an opportunity to unload about my health, and I certainly don't want to spend much time talking about it, but I want to be authentic about the genuine question "how are you".  There are people in my life who deserve the truth. I want to be more authentic in friendships, with my children, with God.

I want to be more available.  I operate best in a routine.  I used to be great at flying by the seat of my pants, but since being sick I have lost that.  There are times when I struggle to be available with my husband and the boys.  Opportunities are interruptions these days, and I think I am missing out on some God moments.  I want to clear my mental to do list and be more available to Him.

I want to be more intentional.  My current circumstances have been a crash course in being intentional with my time and energy.  One of the great blessings of this mystery illness!  And I want to grow in that.  There is something God has put on my heart very clearly to do, and He even went so far as to confirm it through a friend (it always helps me to have the holy, "No, I'm serious Ann!" confirmation.).  It will take genuine effort on my part to do this and manage my health and house, but I want to be intentional enough with my time and energy to obey.

Somehow my "To Be" list doesn't feel as overwhelming as a list of New Years resolutions - things I need "to do".  Part of that is because I am not wholly responsible for the heart work that needs to happen in me to be authentic, available, and intentional.  As God works on that, I am sure the "to dos" will take care of themselves.  

I'll let you know how I'm doing as the year moves on...


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