Thursday, January 15, 2009

Am I Crazy? (Purely Rhetorical, Friends...)

I have been feeling bad lately about this blog.  I have struggled with posting some things (although you wouldn't know it - almost one a day!)that are on my heart.  Not because I don't want to be authentic and transparent and all those other emotionally healthy words, but because I am just stuck in the "processing" phase and can't seem to get out.  

I have been praying a lot over the last several (many) months about our family.  I adore my family.  I really, really do.  That probably sounds obvious, but I think there are people who may not enjoy their family as much or as often as I do.  My husband rocks.  I think he is handsome, funny, smart, an amazing provider, and the person I most want to hang out with.  I think the absolute world of him.

While there are days when I think I don't want to be outwitted once more by a nearly 7 year old and a 4 1/2 year, I simply couldn't do without my boys.  When I think about them two words pour out of my heart - "joy" and "delight".  I love them, and I really, really like them.  It may reflect poorly on me to say this, but Jude and Cal Henry are two of my most effective "iron sharpens iron" relationships.  I am not the same because of them.  Mostly in the good way.  

And don't get me started on my dog!  I know.  I know.  It's "just a dog".  But Marshall brings a smile to my face every stinking time I look at him.  He is darling and 20ish pounds of pure love.  

I love my family.  I almost can't register the amount of "blessed" I feel when I think of them.

So, why would I think about changing anything?

First off, let me be blunt and over share just a bit.  We won't be having any more biological children unless Jehovah Sneaky decides so.  If you had seen the heart test result from November 07 you wouldn't recommend I chew gum, let alone carry a pregnancy to term.  Although I am doing so much, much better, I still don't think that being pregnant is a wise decision for us.  That is not fear speaking (although it may sound like it), but God has spoken pretty clearly to Mark and I about this.  So in theory our family should be complete.  And if it is, how lucky am I?  I adore these guys.  I can't imagine it gets any better than this.  

But what if I am wrong?

For months (and months and months), I have had this bizarre, random stirring in my heart for adoption and foster care.  It is something Mark and I have talked about and prayed about quite a bit, and I don't think either of us is totally clear about it.  Being sick gave me a chance to slow down and experience a subtle, yet undeniable tenderness in my heart for children.  Not just my children, and my friends' children, but for ALL children.  It is almost uncomfortable enough to call a burden.  

I have no idea what to do with that.

There is a part of me that wants to become a foster home.  There is a part of me that wants to adopt.  And there is a part of me that doesn't want my life to change at all.  I don't know if the first two ideas are some deep seeded desire to be uber-sacrificial, or if the third idea is my attempt to remain fairly selfish.  In all honesty, I can't imagine why I think I am qualified to raise children.  I have been talking and praying with Mark about this for months - back when I was so tired I could barely care for my own two children alone - and I still can't seem to get past the "processing" phase.  It just remains there - this little spot in my chest that feels a little heavier than the rest of my heart.  I have no idea what to do with it.  

So here I am...processing online.  Feeling very vulnerable because I may be setting myself up for personal assessments I am not good at receiving.  (For example, "She's crazy!  There's no way they could handle more kids!" or "If you don't follow through, you are in direct opposition to God".)  Yikes.  It feels like a lose-lose, and yet I feel compelled to stop ignoring it in this space that is supposed to reflect me and my life.  

So.  There it is.  The heavy thing that Mark and I are processing through.  I have no expectations of what will happen once we are done processing.  I couldn't even begin to wager a wise bet.  I believe that passions can be for a season.  Maybe this is just a call to prayer.  Maybe more.  I just don't know.  At all.  So meanwhile I am going to go on with the daily moments of life here - school, relationships, competitive WiiSports - and hope God shows us what happens after we process.


Norwood Mama said...

I love you...and I love your sweet heart. I will pray for you (I always do...)...

Randy Bohlender said...

When I am challenged to do something 'out there', I always ask "Have people dumber than me done this and survived?"

If you search long enough, heck yeah. And if people dumber than us can do it, then onward! through the fog!

All that to say, by that measurement, I am sure you're more than qualified.

dino said...

okay, first i need to comment on Marshalls weight.... I think you fudged a little on the lbs amount. ( i love you marshy buy your mommy tells fibs)
we just all have to pray thay God will reveal this soon to you. I do think he is preparing you for something!
A great mommy you are and if the boys are the last of your children then a great mommy you will be!! God told me to apply for adoption a second time, I questioned that for a long time because it was almost more than I could handle but now I wouldn't know what to do without my little man... I say that because it wasn't easy but God knows what he's doing and he walks us through every decision he makes for our lives and He will walk you and Mark through this one!

Renovation Girl said...

THe beauty of blogs is the delete button...if you don't like a comment, DELETE. ;) Seriously, though, this is a tough question and clearly one that will be answered for you in His time. No matter which way it works out, it will be wonderful for you. I'll email you some infertility blogs I follow that are experiencing foster to adopt and other adoption situations. I know you have friends/family who have gone through it, but listening in on others scenario definitely gives you a good idea of what it is like.