Tonight after much prayer and discussion, Mark and I began the process to be "paperwork ready" for adoption. While this is normally a very exciting time, I think we both feel more cautious as we tackle the applications and home study process, because we have no guarantee that Inessa will eventually become our daughter.
As things stand right now, Inessa is taking time to work through some of the difficult issues she faces regarding her past and her future, and so we are planning on rehosting her this summer through the hosting program. I'll be honest - I almost can't wait! The thought of being able to wrap my arms around that girl and squeeze her and hear her voice and see her smile and begin chattering in our "Latlish mime" (a lovely language made up of some English, some Latvian, and a whole lot of hand gestures) almost makes my chest hurt to think about. We miss her. We just plain miss that child every day. To think that one day she will be back here in our house, in her room, cranking up the Hannah Montana music, chasing the boys, and just being with us is such a joy I can't even express effectively.
While we look forward to our five weeks with her this summer, we don't have any assurances that this will become our permanent reality. We pray that it is, but Mark and I are also very aware of the twists and turns this journey is likely to take. It seems like a crazy thing to do to spend all this money on a home study and dossier when we don't know how Inessa will feel or what will be in her best interest six months from now, but we have spent a lot of time praying and talking about it. While on paper this may seem like a foolish move, we both feel certain it is what we need to be doing right now.
So tonight we sat down at the dining room table, the one my extended family spent hours around celebrating holidays and birthdays, and we filled out a mountain of paperwork to hopefully add one more special girl to our family. It feels very emotional to me. While we are uncertain about the outcome, Mark and I feel certain about the path we are on.
Several weeks ago I bought new place mats for the table, and in faith I bought five instead of four. I pray that one day Inessa will permanently sit in that fifth spot at the table where our official journey to her began tonight.
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