A Day In the Life

Random Post

2012-02-12T20:59:00.000-08:00

I have nothing terribly big and booming to report but a few little things to share, so let's get to my nearly routine random post.

Downton Abbey: This is my new guilty pleasure, except that I think it is impossible to feel guilty watching something that airs on PBS. My mom-in-law recommended the show to me, and I spent a few days with a stomach virus and the iPad catching up on the entire first season. It is on Netflix, so if you haven't seen it, stream the first season and try telling me it isn't crack for us snobby TV viewers. We don't watch much TV here since losing ESPN (which left us with about three channels), so we don't have any "Oh! Tonight _____ is on TV!" moments. But I confess here and now, if it is Sunday night at 8 PM, you can bet I'll be the last man leaving the burning-down house because Downton Abbey is on. The last show I felt this connected to was The West Wing. I can't put my finger on what makes it so special, but I can tell you my heart is fully engaged in the lives of these characters. And I have dress envy.

The kids have heard me talk about Downton Abbey, so tonight Alina wandered in and curled up under my fluffy blanket with me and watched the whole two hours, which ended an hour past her bedtime. It was worth it on so many levels. When I put her to bed, she asked me to come get her next Sunday so we could curl up and watch the next episode together. It was one of those moments when God smiles yet again on me through this amazing young lady I get to call my daughter. You wouldn't think watching a TV show with your 14 year old daughter could be so sacred...but it really is.

The Weigh In: So we've started transitioning Marshall to life on the newly relocated Biggest Loser ranch (also known as our house). He is not happy. He is learning to get really excited about eating green beans, which, as my husband says, is a direct result of starvation. He really isn't starving. We are slowly cutting back his food, and the treats are now a total no-no. We have been walking each day, and we have taken longer strolls when the weather allows. We had our "starting weight" home weigh-in on the 8th. It was...confirming as I held him on the scale. I will take the numbers to my grave (or you can brave our super scary master bathroom and see it on the paper I taped up to record his weight, but I can't guarantee you will walk out of the scary bathroom unscathed), but I can report that he has lost .6% of his total body weight in five days. (Yes. That is "point six percent". Save your judgement.) It's a start.

My Latest Project: Anyone who knows me knows I do not like to cook. Well, it isn't necessarily that I don't like to cook, it's that I don't like to have to cook. If I had an unlimited food budget, uninterrupted hours in the kitchen, and people living under my roof who would eat anything, I imagine then I would like to cook. Adding home schooling to my plate has taken up so much more time and energy than I ever imagined, and I have (somewhat) subconsciously been happy to let the cooking slip. Unfortunately, that resulted in way too much eating fast food. (No. I do not know how my dog got overweight.) Mark has done a great job of helping with meals, especially since we have karate two evenings a week, but there is only so much baked chicken one can eat in seven days. My struggle comes when I have to think of meals to prepare for the week and then remember to get all the ingredients needed. I can't begin to tell you how many times I planned on having tacos only to have forgotten to get the tacos and taco seasoning mix. Uh. Oops. Last week I had it with the mental struggle of meal planning. I made a meal notebook that has about 18 recipes for meals I know we'll all mostly eat (side dishes included, and applesauce is a side dish, Angela), with a list of all ingredients, and the basics of the recipe (if needed) so I don't have to go rooting around in the sorry excuse of a recipe box I keep hidden when company comes over. Two hours of work shaved about thirteen years of stress off my life as I made last week's meal plan and grocery list, and we didn't have to eat out once. It was, for this Chef Boyardee protege, a major cooking success.

My little life and sanity saver.

One day I hope to expand my meal notebook and cooking knowledge, but I am thinking this season of my life may not be the best time to tackle such an undertaking. Maybe next month.

This is the random in my life right now, not counting "pretty much" every conversation with Calvin (which always begins with the phrase "pretty much"). Hope all is well in your corner of the world! (Both of you.)

The Biggest Loser...Canine Edition

2012-02-08T15:50:00.000-08:00

Oh, my poor Moo Man.

Most everyone who knows me knows I have a complete and consuming devotion to my sweet dog, Marshall. (aka Moo Man.) We got Marshall through a wonderful rescue group who saved him from a kill shelter with an hour to spare before he was put down. Marshall was what opened my eyes to the animal overpopulation. Before I met this nearly perfect, sweet, well trained love of my life, I honestly thought the only animals that were euthanized were those that were too old, too sick, or too ferocious. I had no idea that every day loving and gentle and fun animals were being put down. I simply cannot imagine our family without Marshall. He is a joy spreader.

Unfortunately (but apparently), my mantra of "food is love" has spilled over into Marshall's dog bowl. Without whipping out embarrassing numbers, suffice it to say the Moo Man has grown exponentially since we first brought him home. There is still a thin veil of confusion for me - we never feed him any people food, and he only eats twice a day. But, alas, I cannot dispute the vet's scale, and the bottom line is...the Moo Man is on a diet...I mean "lifestyle change".

I know, I know. This is our second intervention at the vet's office about his weight issues. But cut me some slack - most people have to go to rehab more than once to change addictive behaviors. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, friends. So with renewed conviction Marshall and I are on a new path forward for his behind. This morning we had our first official weigh in, and at least now we know the mountain we must climb. Our goal? For Marshall to lose 10 pounds in 8 months. Gulp.

While I know he still adores me, I see in his hungry chocolate brown eyes that he is searching for answers to why. Why are we doing more laps around the pond on our walks? Why are you offering me canned green beans and calling it a "treat"? Why is that food scoop coming out of the dog food bad half full? Why are you throwing a toy and then expecting me to go get it? (He's always been too cerebral for fetch.)

I have high hopes for our lifestyle change. I also have high hopes that he will lose at least a pound and several inches in girth when he gets groomed next week. (A mama can dream.) I love this dog with all my heart, and I want him to be happy and healthy and around for a long, long time.

Starting weight? Nunya' business.

Just call me Bob Harper.

No "Oops"...He Did It Again

2012-02-06T18:39:00.000-08:00

(God, I mean. Not Brittany Spears.)

Most of you who visit the blog know our somewhat long and definitely difficult journey to Alina. For those who haven't read back through the last year's entries, here are the Cliff Notes: We traveled to internationally adopt a girl we had hosted twice. At the second court, she decided against the adoption to the shock of everyone in the courtroom. We returned home brokenhearted and unsure about our family's future. Three months later, we received information about a 13 year old girl, and last April we traveled back to Latvia to meet Alina, our daughter.

The Twitter version? God made beauty out of ashes.

Well, He has done it again.

Remember the family I blogged about a few weeks back (which would only be about two posts ago, but save your judgement - I'm really trying.)? They traveled to Latvia to adopt a set of sisters at the end of January. Due to circumstances and issues beyond their control, the Butlers adopt has fallen through. When I first saw their email a few days ago, my heart shattered into a million pieces for them. You can honestly not imagine the pain - the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain of this kind of loss unless you have experienced it. It is a loss I still can't fully put into words. Whether it makes sense or not, after hosting a child and hoping to adopt, you love that child like your own. There is little peace, and often times no closure when an adoption falls through, but it is a part of the reality of adoption. It can and does happen. And, oh my. It hurts.

I, and many other Latvian families, hit our knees immediately asking God to surround the Butler family and these two sisters as their collective lives took such a dramatic turn. I prayed specifically that the Butlers would be able to eat - sounds crazy I know, but I didn't eat for four days after our court. Couldn't. And I prayed for God to reveal something...something beautiful from this place of pain and grief.

And He did it again.

After their planned adoption fell through, the Butler family was introduced (by their lawyer, who I am convinced is also at least part angel) to a beautiful 13 year old girl who needed a family. After they met, do you know what this girl told them? She told them that she had prayed in January that God would send her a mom and a dad of her very own.

And He did.

Although it hasn't been easy on either side of the pond for this family, they are extending their stay in Latvia for a little longer to complete the adoption of this precious girl who has prayed for a family. This child who hugged them and cried with joy over an answered prayer.

Oh Lord! You did it again!

Beauty from ashes.

Please join me in praying for this wonderful family, this precious girl, and all the lives God has touched through His work.

Stop Sucking Wind...It's a Marathon

2012-01-27T11:53:00.000-08:00

I am here to confess...lately I have been a little worn out. It doesn't help that I had a touch of a stomach bug, that Joe Paterno passed away this week (it's like a death in the family), and that I have been staying up way too late. It feels like each morning I take a deep breath, but by the time mid afternoon rolls around I am out of oxygen. By dinner time I'm turning blue. By bedtime, well...the first stages of rigor mortis are setting in. I feel behind in my housework. I haven't made out a meal plan in over a week. (Don't panic - no one's starving here.) Don't even ask about the laundry or my bedroom floor. Please. I have been slightly overwhelmed and totally under-oxygenated. (I know this is probably not a word.)

I had such a nice conversation this morning with another Latvian adoptive parent, and it put so many things in perspective for me. I am not here to whine. I adore my family. I adore my life. There is no amount of money (or chocolate - and that's saying something!) you could offer me to trade my life with anyone else's. But I need to be very honest with myself and with anyone else who may wonder about life post-adoption. Every day I wake up and want this day to be the day it is all easy. The day I see total peace and healing in my daughter. The day that feels like we are a completely "normal" family. (Pipe dream, even pre-adoption..I know...I know...) The day we will be the poster family for successfully growing your family through adoption. The day I will know with absolute certainty how to successfully and joyfully respond to everyone's needs in a way that blesses and encourages always. By the end of the day, I am frantically searching for a stewardess who can point the way to the oxygen masks, and I flop in bed disappointed, exhausted, and thinking maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow will be that day. (Gasp, gasp...)

It hit me today talking with another adoption comrade in arms. Our life isn't normal. We deal with things "normal" families around us haven't dealt with - don't even think about. My child has a past that colors the way she sees many of today's interactions. All those parenting books I read before having Jude and Cal? Throw those out the window - most of that stuff doesn't apply. Now it's therapeutic parenting, and it isn't for the winded. And that is the point where I took my first real deep breath in days and realized...my life is now a marathon and the finish line is far enough away I need to stop craning my neck to look for it. My eyes are on the mile markers now.

I am not here to write that as a complaint. I am here to write that as one of the most cheerful, encouraging revelations I've had in awhile. There will be no more "Are we there yet?". If I need to stop to "go to the bathroom", well, off the interstate of life we'll go for a break. I actually have no idea where we will end up when (if) this is all said and done as a family. But you know what? Today I decided to stop worrying about getting "there", and just deal with where we are. It is too big a burden to figure out where the finish line is right now or what it might look like someday when we get there.

I know this may not make much sense to someone who hasn't been through an adoption situation like ours. I know it may sound slightly whiney and terribly over dramatic. It probably seems like after nine months, I should be over talking about adoption and life change. But the truth - the freeing truth of the day is - this is my life right now. It will probably be my life tomorrow, too. And the next day. More than any fresh air, remembering that makes me breathe easier today than I have in days.

Helping the Butlers!

2012-01-19T08:52:00.000-08:00

(A family name "Butler", not the household help that I so desperately wish I had.)

There is a dear family right here in the great state of Tennessee who are getting ready to head to Latvia to begin the process of adopting two beautiful sisters. Even though Tabitha and I haven't met face to face, she probably knows more of my personal business and emotional highs and lows than most people I see daily. There is something sacred and special about the tie that binds adoptive families, especially families whose circumstances - same country, older children - are so similar. The Butlers are leaving in nine days for Latvia, and while I wish more than anything I could crawl in their suitcase and tag along (Have I mentioned how much I love that country?!?), I've decided to do something much more productive (and far less creepy) than hiding out in their luggage.

I'm sure most of you know just how expensive adoption is. There is no such thing as an affordable adoption, but there are children who need families aplenty. For a Latvian adoption, families must travel three times to finalize everything. After the first trip, parents are most often granted temporary guardianship of the child/children and can bring them home to family life after the first trip. But yeah, three trips. On top of the "regular" cost of international adoption. Inconvenient? Maybe. Difficult? Can be. Expensive? Like you wouldn't believe.

Let's face it - no one has a lot of disposable income these days, so although you may have a heart for children, adoption, families, or just plain general philanthropy, you may feel like you don't have enough money to give to make a difference. But...this is just not true. The Butler family is having a fundraiser to help with the cost of airfare (two round trip tickets, and two one way tickets which are apparently printed on gold embossed paper for the price of them) for their first trip in nine days. All they are asking for is...$4. Yup. You saw that right. $4. Four dollars. That's a latte. You may not think four dollars can do much, but they have raised an incredible amount of money so far, and if everyone who reads this give just four dollars, we can help make something amazing and wonderful and life changing happen.

It is easy. Just click the link below, and you can read about the Butler family (They are real. This is not a scam.), and see pictures of the beautiful girls they are flying to Latvia to bring home. You can give online, and it will only cost you $4 and less than 2 minutes of your time. And while, yes, it is about raising money, what you may not understand is that those four dollars are a priceless blessing and encouragement for this family who are stepping out in faith for two girls half a world away.

Here's the link:
Butler Adoption Fundraiser

Tell you what. If five people donate to the Butler Adoption and mention my blog in the comment section, I will go back to Victoria's Secret to buy some underwear or something and blog about it again.

(How's that for taking one for the very worthy team?)

A Conversation with Calvin

2012-01-18T07:41:00.000-08:00

(Which takes place in the bathroom...where many deep and meaningful conversations with Calvin take place.)

Calvin: You want to know what is really special about me, mom?

Me: Sure.

Calvin: I can totally look at a word, memorize it, look away, and then write it again without looking.

Me: That's great, Cal.

Calvin: (Matter of factly) That's my gift from God.

(I look slightly puzzled at this latest work of the Holy Spirit.)

Calvin: Oh, don't worry, mom. I have lots of other gifts from God.

Me: Yes. Yes, you do.

Calvin: Like I have a fighting spirit.

Me: (gently redirecting) You definitely have a warrior's heart.

Calvin: (proud as a peacock) Yep. If I see a bully picking on a little kid, I just jump right in there and beat that bully to a pulp. That's another gift from God.

Me: (uncomfortable picturing his life behind bars in the name of Jesus) Well...God has called us to be defenders of the weak....

Calvin: (proudly) That's why He made me so tough.

If you need me, I'll be rifling through The Message version, looking for any signs of truth.

So...How's It Going?

2012-01-15T17:10:00.000-08:00

When I haven't seen someone for a few months, this is inevitably the question (or a variation of this question) I am most often asked. The funny thing is, we've had so many changes in our family life over the last year, I am not exactly sure what specifically they are asking about. In response to the many facets of this question, I give you this post.

So...how's it going with home schooling?  Uh, OK...I think. It still surprises me just how drastically the decision to home school has changed our family and daily life. Over all, the kids are doing well. I ask them periodically how they feel about home schooling, and they all three say they like it better than "regular" school (Does that make me "irregular" school?). It is a lot of work. A lot. I like the curriculum we are using - it is very straightforward as far as what to do and how to do it, but the just plain "doing it" of home school is time and energy intensive, whether you are the student or the teacher.

If I had to guess, I would say the kids most enjoy their history curriculum, which is online. And funny. I try not to take offense. We are studying Old Testament and Ancient Egypt in history, and I am continually amazed at how much they have learned and retained. Least favorite subject varies by child and assignment. Alina would definitely say math, regardless of assignment, day, temperature, location, amount of sleep, direction of the wind, etc. etc. Jude grumbles most about Grammar. Calvin considers every subject and every assignment a personal challenge, and so he likes most everything...until he doesn't. They do a good job most days of plugging away and completing their work, and we enjoy the process more often than not.

There are some great things about home schooling. I love the time with the kids. I really do. I am no saint mom, and I definitely have moments of "where is the nearest closet I can lock myself into alone", but actually I don't feel the need for "me time" any more now than I did before home schooling. (Time to go to the bathroom? Yes. Time to get groceries and run errands? Yes. Time to nap? Oh my, yes.)  I love that we set the priorities of our time and energy. Make no mistake, school is very clearly their job, and we take it seriously, but we also have the luxury of working it around our life instead of working our life around school and home work. For instance, Jude came to me a few months ago feeling sad about animals that were in shelters (darn that SPCA commercial with Sarah McLaughlin's haunting song and all those sad puppy and kitten eyes!), and so the three of them decided they wanted to do something to help. We took a donation of laundry detergent to our local animal rescue, and now we are weekly volunteers there in the cat rooms. (Yes, it is as cool a volunteer gig as it sounds. We literally play with, brush, pet, and hold cats and kittens for two hours on Tuesday mornings!) All three of them love going and feeling like they are contributing to solving a problem in their community, and I get to coach them in communications skills, professionalism, and serving. We just wouldn't have the time if the kids were back in "regular" school.

Of course, there are some real challenges with home schooling. Education is a really big deal to Mark and I, and so I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to not only teach the kids, but to help them love learning. I want them to discover their passions, explore ideas, and learn how to learn, not teach them information for "the test". Problem is, they actually still have to be able to pass "the test". (Insert heartburn and self doubt here.) If you wonder what your insecurities are, I suggest you home school. They will bubble to the surface in no time. Am I pushing them enough? Am I encouraging them enough? Do they have enough time in this subject? Are they progressing well in that subject? Do we need to be having more fun? More structure? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I am constantly having to remind myself to take the advice I give to the kids nearly every day - just do your best. But without anyone to tangibly evaluate our progress each day, how do I know if my best is good enough? Pep talk. Followed by self doubt. Temporarily alleviated by another pep talk. But then faced with near paralyzing self doubt. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I know it is our first year, and everyone says the first year is the hardest (just like marriage), so I think if we survive unscathed having learned some things and still enjoying each other's company we will call it a success. I don't know if we will always home school. Mark and I will decide each year and for each child what we think will be best for them. This is where we are now - joy, laughter, online history, bleeding ulcer, and all.

So...how's it going with Alina?  This is what I automatically assume most people want to know about when they ask how "it" is going. The specific answer depends on how much time I have, who I am talking to, and who is around at the time, but the long and short of it can be summed up in one word.

Amazing.

There is nothing easy about adoption and there are some real, specific challenges when adopting an older child, but even with all that factored in, I can tell you having our daughter is simply a joy beyond words. Just like with the boys, Mark and I daily express to each other just how blessed we are by our children. In some ways I hate to gush too much, because I want to be real and say that there are hard moments (the seven hour math day - you do not want to know). I know families who have been through this process and who are dealing with very difficult adjustments that make me weep and pray for them daily. We deal with issues other "normal" families wouldn't even be able to think of. But even with all that said - we are doing really, really well. The convincing evidence is that every day feels like an every day. This is our new life, and now it just feels like...life. A really good and mostly happy life that isn't much on the inside like many other families we know in real life, but we don't miss the "normal" they have at all.

I give most of the credit to God and Alina. God blew our socks off with this child, and she came to us willing to share her heart. Of course, our lawyer in Latvia and Alina's foster parents are also never far from our heart either, and we are thankful to them in ways we can't quite express. God made beauty from ashes, and even with the hard days and the unique challenges we sometimes face, it is more beautiful than we could have asked or imagined.

Alina is doing well with her school work. She is progressing along with her math (although with muttered, "boo"s , "yucky"s, and "I hate math"s along the way...), and her conversational English is out of this world. She is doing great with reading comprehension, and this week she checked out her first chapter book out of the library and is on chapter 4. Huge deal!

She is being fit for a back brace to help stabilize a curvature of her spine that was discovered in Latvia. As of now, she will only have to wear it at night, and we are hoping and praying that it keeps her curve from growing worse as she grows taller. She isn't happy about it (what girl would be?), but she understands it will help her in the long run and has grudgingly agreed to wear it each night when we pick it up in a few weeks.

So...how's it going with your spiritual health?  If I were still Swedish Lutheran, this probably wouldn't come up, but you know us Southern Baptists are all about checking in on each other. I'm...OK. I am loving this "read through the Bible in a year" that I started doing, although I have had to double up on days now and again when I get too busy. I will be relieved to be out of the book of Job and back in Genesis (it is chronological), because about three chapters into Job's friends talking, I begin to hear Charlie Brown's teacher when I read what they are saying. Because we are required to do a Bible curriculum for home school, I have opportunity aplenty to discuss spiritual things with the kids, share my heart with them, and be challenged daily by questions. I just bought the book "Made to Crave" and I fear I am in for a real spiritual whuppin' when I get past the introduction. God is dealing with me about some specific areas of my life and heart, and while I have a significant amount of fear about the non-metaphorical "come to Jesus" meeting ahead, I am so glad for a God who loves me too much to leave me right where I am.

So...how's it going with everything else?  Karate is good...although I took a three hour boot camp yesterday and even though while writing this post I have sunk down in the couch cushions so far my back is where my rear should be, I am far too sore to do much about it right now. (Here's hoping Mark gets home soon to pull me up...gently.) There is a family in TN who are traveling in two weeks on their first adoption trip for two girls, and I am so excited for them I could cry or scream or hide in their suitcase. Cried today at church while singing "Amazing Grace" because it reminded me of my Gram, and while I am SO happy she is with Jesus, I miss how much better my life was with her here. I'm missing my extended family lately, but they're just in Pennsylvania, so I am hoping to travel up there sometime this winter for a weekend of sled riding, snowman building, and grandparent doting. I am not terribly happy about the AFC Championship game - the Patriots and the Ravens? It's like choosing which fungi you most want growing under your toenails. I have begun the preliminary planning for the 2012 Ann and Ang vacation that will hopefully take place in March. Ang and I saw Diamond Rio at the Grand Ole Opry recently, and it was one of the highlights of my life. Marshall the dog is doing well, although he got into some snacks leftover by the kids, and he is eminating an odor that would make a garbage man or proctologist cry. Good thing he is so cute.

Whew. So...that's how it's going.

In the Beginning...

2012-01-02T19:33:00.000-08:00

Last year I made the lofty goal of reading through the Bible in 90 days. In theory, I should have made it through the Bible four times in 2011. In theory. In a spirit of transparency, I confess that I made it to Jeremiah in 365 days. That isn't to say that I didn't read other parts of the Bible last year, but I didn't come close to making it from Genesis to Revelation and all that good stuff in between in 90 days or any other time frame.

I was discouraged about this in December when I stumbled across a friend's Facebook post about reading through the Bible in 365 days. Hmmm. Mathematically I stand a much better chance of success with this reading program, so I sent this friend a message, downloaded the reading plan, and choose a comfy Bible reading spot. When January 2012 rolled around I was ready and excited. I hope that feeling continues.

Of course, the reading for January 1 started with "In the beginning...". There is no better opening to greet a person on a first page of any book. From those three words unfold a narrative that can take your breath away and change your heart. Because I have been studying Bible with the kids for home school beginning with Genesis, I have read those first three chapters frequently over the last few months. As I prepared to tackle the creation account once again, I decided to make a list of the "verbs of God" just to get a visual for His work during those first days of the world. As I looked at the completed list, I had to smile. Change the verb tense, and you are reading a list of what God is still actively doing today. Take a look.

What God did in Genesis: created, said, saw, separated, called, made, blessed, completed, rested, sanctified.

What He is doing in my life and lives around me: creating, speaking, seeing, separating, calling, making, blessing, completing, and sanctifying. (And, although God did not need to rest in Genesis, He did so to set a pattern for my life today - work for six days then rest for one.)

So much has changed since the creation of the world, but God's work hasn't. He is still the same God, still doing the miraculous and amazing all around us.

I think 2012 is going to be a good year.

Now I Know the Secret

2011-12-30T10:42:00.000-08:00

(For those of you who are checking out this blog for the first time, please know I usually post about God, my family, thoughts on life, hopes, dreams, etc. This is not going to be one of those posts. You may want to come back and check it out another day, especially if you are someone who just got this blog address from our Christmas card. Or if you are seeking something spiritually uplifting. Or if you are my mom.)

It started off with what I thought was a good idea. That is usually where most of my troubles start - I am a genius idea generator, but my execution...well, past experience shows it leaves a little to be desired. Of course, I choose to blame this whole escapade on my friend and sparring partner who shall remain nameless (unless I back myself into too embarrassing a corner and desperately need a proper noun scapegoat). My friend mentioned in passing that she was planning to go to Victoria's Secret to pick up something special for her husband for Christmas. (Not for him to wear, although the longer I am around them and hear their exchanges the more I have learned not to press for specifics.) If you think that this seems like an intimate thing to mention in passing, you need to know that once you have practiced the nine ground positions for MMA with a person (especially position 5), boundaries get blurred and lingerie as a topic is well within the norm. I thought, 'Gee, maybe I ought to surprise Mark with some new lingerie for Christmas. Won't he be surprised?' So we made plans to meet up at the local Victoria's Secret.

And with the formulation of that fairly harmless plan, the wheels already began to fall off.

I drove to the local Victoria's Secret to meet up with my friend, and paused for a few minutes in the car to kill any extra time. Let's face it, I may be 38, have three kids, been married for nearly 13 years, but I did not want to be first to arrive at Victoria's Secret. I can't actually remember a time I have ever shopped at Victoria's Secret, except to buy their Heavenly perfume for myself. It isn't that I never liked their stuff, it is just that I've always felt like I wasn't quite bronzed enough to pull off their runway looks. Plus, I can buy a bra on clearance at a number of other stores for 1/10th the price. But this was Christmas - the time for giving - so I was willing to take a deep breath and go for the good stuff.

Or so I thought.

I put on my metaphorical big girl panties (which, although metaphorical, still cover more of my backside than most of the Victoria's Secret underwear I saw), and went in the store. No friend. I was immediately greeted by a horribly perky 20 something employee asking if she could help me. It took all I had not to put my arm around her and give her a gentle heads up to enjoy that figure while it lasted, because one day she would be me, and be slightly annoyed yet tenderly condescending to a future 20 something version of her perky, perfectly figured self. I smiled instead, and told her I was fine. I began looking around at some of the lingerie, but became instantly uncomfortable with where I thought some of the strings were made to go, so I quickly ducked over to the other side of the store where they sell their PINK clothing line. 'Ah, sweatpants.", I thought. 'I can hang here comfortably.' But I had to move on shortly, because my gasps and eye rolls as I looked at the price for sweatpants (sweatpants!) that was more than my copay to deliver my first child, seemed to make the willing to pay customers uncomfortable and a few more perky 20 something employees slightly annoyed. OK. Will wander over to the bras.

Still no friend.

Now keep in mind that friend doesn't own a cell phone. (No, she's not Amish even though she drinks chunky milk.) So there was no calling her to see where she was or when she would get there. Nope. But I had faith. She'd show. After all, she got us into this mess. I just needed to wait a few more minutes.

I have to admit, I was fascinated by some of the bras. Several had more padding than my couch coushins, and a few even had rhinestones. Rhinestones! Definitely not safe for the breast feeding mother. I did start thinking it would be nice to spend the money for a nice bra - one not off the "additional 60% off" rack.

Still...no friend.

I continued to wander the store. From bras to panties to lingerie back to what had to be gold threaded sweatpants. At this point every single one of those perky 20 something employees had approached me at least once to see if they could help me. I began to sweat. Literally. I started sweating like a Southern Baptist caught at Happy Hour. I kept trying to remind myself that I was an adult, was married, and it was perfectly fine for me to have been wandering around Victoria's Secret for almost an hour now. But the truth was, after 60 minutes of wandering around looking I was ready to add myself to the sex offender registry.

Still...you guessed it...no friend.

At this point, I knew it was time to fish or cut bait. I desperately wanted to cut bait, but I figured I had come this far (and stood there for an hour), I might as well buy something. I decided to start small with a bra. A good bra. However, unless "an additional 60% off" is a bra size, I had no idea what size to try on. Especially with all the couch cushions and rhinestones.

Finally, my initial 20 something perky greeter checked in with me again, and I confessed sweating and stammering that I was supposed to meet a friend there to buy gifts for our husbands for Christmas, but that friend hadn't shown so I needed to just get this over with myself and could she help me start by picking out a bra. She asked me what size I was. I replied (either in my head or out loud... at this point things started going hazy), "The size that's left over after nursing two babies." She suggested I get measured for a bra. Great idea. So she whips out her tape measure. In the middle of the busy store.

Whoa, there, perky girl. You will not be measuring my bust in a store full of husbands buying perfume for their wives and teenagers who wear gold threaded sweatpants. Apparently, the look on my face said it all because she immediately dropped her tape and said, "Would you be more comfortable being measured in a dressing room?"

No. I would be more comfortable shoving hot irons under my fingernails, but point me to the dressing rooms and I will cling desperately the scrap of dignity I have left.

Perky 20 something dressing room girl, saw me coming (perhaps the profuse sweating was what let her know it was me who needed assistance), and motioned me past the two men standing out side the dressing room waiting for their wives/girlfriends. And about a foot past them, she whips out her measuring tape and began the frisk.

All I could think was, 'Shouldn't we get a room?' while the men looked on. I mentally added them to the offender registry.

Did I mention, still no friend?

Perky dressing room girl (who was all of 19 if she was a day) eventually put me in a dressing room and went to get me some bras to try on. She brought a few back, and told me to try one on and she would check back in with me in a minute. I took a few deep breaths, took off my sweat soaked T-shirt, and put the first bra on.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Now I know they specialize in the uber-sexy, but I swear to you I couldn't tell where my cleavage stopped and my double chin started. This bra had the sisters pushed so far up, I was certain a turtleneck would show cleavage. Perky girl knocked once and came on in to help me out (after all we were close), and she nodded approvingly. Seriously? People wear them like this? I tried to gently point out that I didn't think my boobs should be up over my shoulders, so with a bit of a judgmental sigh, she went to get me a more tamed down version of a bra in a size up to try. The second bra was much, much better. The sisters were where they should be, I didn't feel like I would be collecting dollar bills from strangers, and things looked almost the same as they once did pre-breast feeding. I'd take it.

At this point, I had been in the store for an hour and a half. I was soaking wet with nervous sweat, felt violated (but in a friendly way), and still...no friend. I took a deep breath, headed to the lingerie and vowed to get this over with before I died and my obituary said I croaked in Victoria's Secret.

Perky employee #1 was happy to announce loudly that it looked like I found a bra. Uh-huh. I explained that I wanted to find something for my husband for Christmas, and she began showing me some of their selection. Some I understood. Others seemed like fabric mazes. All cost about half a car payment. But it was, after all, Christmas, and at this point I was committed. I grabbed three, headed back to the dressing room, where perky dressing room girl squealed when she saw I was trying on lingerie, and I quickly ducked for cover into a room.

I will spare you the details of that first try on, but it involved me laughing out loud at several points. I found one thing that I figured I could wear for Mark without snickering, and I got dressed and headed back out to hang up the rejects. Perky girl in the lingerie section saw my selection, and said (as if we were close girlfriends), "Did you consider one of the whole deals? Garters, teddy, stockings?"

What part of that sounded like fun to anyone?

But because I fold under peer pressure in situation of duress I dutifully headed back to the dressing room with something I thought for certain could strangle me, and something I no earthly idea how to put on. Perky dressing room girl was thrilled. The new men waiting for their wives/girlfriends nodded approvingly. They, too, got added to the mental offender registry.

It took me about ten minutes to get the thing on. I will say this, it was something that would've set a mood, but by the time my engineer husband figured out how to get it off, he would be exhausted and annoyed and I would be chaffed in places. I wrestled out of it (using a few of the MMA ground positions to wriggle out), got dressed, handed it to perky dressing room girl, and dashed her hopes with a sweaty, growly, "This would be a 'hell, no'."

I stood in line with my bra and lingerie watching the door for friend, who had missed all the fun. When it came time for me to pay, the perky clerk said, "Did you find everything you were looking for?"

I swear to you, I answered (out loud), "Yes. Everything but my dignity."

A new bra and a small scrap of lingerie cost me half a new iPod touch.

This was, hands down, the most horrific, emotionally scarring shopping experience of my entire life. I knew it would be an experience, but I figured with friend there we would laugh our way through it and survive relatively unscathed. But...no friend.

Now you might think that I was angry with friend for standing me up, but when she called me later that night (from her land line) to ask where I was that afternoon, we realized that she and I went to two different Victoria's Secret stores.

The upside? She had about as bad a time as I did at her store.

The downside? She walked out with nice, comfy flannel pajamas. And her dignity.

Rats.

What 2011 Taught Me

2011-12-15T20:05:00.000-08:00

2011 was...quite a year. I would never have pictured December 2011 this way a year ago. Never ever. This time last year we were recovering from a failed adoption, totally uncertain for the first time in a long time what was next for our family. I couldn't possibly have forseen the joy and pain of the upcoming 12 months, and for that I am thankful. God, in His mercy, kept hidden many of the surprises around the corner in this year - He knew I'd need to keep my sanity for 365 days straight. Through the ups and downs, there are some major life lessons I've learned.

1. I was born to have a daughter. I wouldn't have, in a million years, thought this to be true. I haven't ever been a woman who dreamed of baby girls and bows and sugar and spice. Pink and purple weren't colors in my rainbow. (OK, I was into sparkles.) I love being the mom of boys - stinky, noisy, rough and tumble, grass stained, cape wearing, karate chopping boys. When we decided to continue on our adoption journey, we were open to either gender, but we knew from our hosting experiences that an older girl was a good dynamic for our boys. Neither of our previously hosted girls were what you would call "girly girls" by any stretch. And then God blessed me with a beautiful daughter - and my world has forever changed. So many things I never really had a desire to do are now some of my favorite things to do. An example? Shopping with my daughter. Several years ago, I made a deal with my sister that if I could tag along on my neices' prom dress shopping trips, I'd buy their accessories and shoes. I didn't figure I'd need any more girl shopping time than that. Oh. How. Wrong. I. Was. I absolutely love shopping with Alina. We don't always buy a lot, but we thoroughly enjoy showing each other what we like, what we don't like, and what we would never, ever wear. It's not about having my own life sized Barbie, it is honestly that I love her company and seeing what catches her eye. I love the comraderie of another set of aching ovaries. I love braiding hair. We've gotten manicures and pedicures. Her room is now a brilliant shade of pink. I love it. I love her.

2. If I have an international road trip in the future, my mom is going to be my wingman. This fall Alina, my mom, and I went back to Latvia for our adoption court date. It was a whirlwind trip - we were literally traveling somewhere every day, but that whole trip will be a deathbed moment for sure. (Deathbed moment = a special time I hope I remember on my deathbed.) My mom was able to meet some of our new extended "family" - our lawyer, another totally awesome adoptive family, and Alina's foster family, and she got to see Latvia. I love that place - love it in a way I can't even explain, so to share it with my mom was such a blessing. And then there was our 20 hour layover in Prague. If you ever have the chance to go to Prague, go. My mom, Alina, and I traisped all over that amazing city, and all I could say over and over to my mom was, "We are totally in Prague." And we were. There were moments that would have panicked any other wingman, but my mom rolled with it, and we ended up laughing hysterically when we didn't have enough money to buy her birthday dinner or when we took the long way (I mean the really, really long way) to Prague Castle (to this day we aren't 100% sure what we saw), and spending more than a half hour using up our extra money in a vending machine in the Prague Airport. I learned that I love seeing new places and reading about the history of other countries. There are so many places I want to visit now that I have gotten a glimpse of this big, interesting world. And I hope my mom will tag along.

3. When you wonder if you are too old to wrestle with your kids, you are. So says my sprained thumb. Still - weeks later. Won't make that mistake in 2012.

4. Losing my Gram has forever changed my life, but not nearly as much as her love still does. I know you all (both of you) may be tired of hearing about my Gram, whom we lost on February 19 of this year. But losing my Gram and gaining my daughter are the two most defining moments of 2011 for me. I always knew losing my Gram would be awful - Mark and I have had many conversations about how awful it would be for me, and I used to always tell Gram that she better not ever die because I would be so angry with her. She would always laugh (I can still hear her laugh!), but I was only half joking. When you have been loved well by someone, you never want to say good-bye. I remember stepping into the funeral home right before calling hours began and knowing - knowing - that I was crossing a metaphorical threshhold that I have dreaded all of my adult life. I miss my Gram every single day. I am sure all her grandkids do. She really was that great at being a grandma. But I also see even more clearly now how much her love changed my life and my perception of family. She was a 95 year old woman who couldn't see well, enjoyed Steelers football, and loved her family...and she changed lives. Beautiful.

I also learned that, whenever possible, I will send flowers or go to calling hours when somone passes away. There was such comfort in the long line of folks who came to remember my Gram.

5. Praying for your enemies is the hardest assignment in the Bible for me this year. I almost hate to write that because it sounds like I have a slew of enemies, but I really don't. Actually, I have little time for the amount of drama it takes to get and maintain an enemy (except in the case of my archnemesis, Randy Bohlender, whose evil office behavior shall make my blood boil until the day I pass from this world to the next). I am, by nature, an optimist and a firm believer in redemption, so praying for my enemies has never really tripped me up spiritually before. Until this year. I won't go into detail, but there is one person (no one who reads the blog and no one I am in contact with in real life) who has caused such grief and pain to me and my family, and I have spent the last year choking on my prayers for this person. Oh, I can get out the "smite him DOWN" prayers with no problem, but the "God, I know you can redeem anyone. You are the changer of hearts. Help me forgive as you have forgiven. Let him hear and believe Your gospel" is like lava in my throat. I'm ashamed, but it's true. I have learned there aren't any trite commands in the Bible - just struggles you haven't encountered yet. This is one of those for me. I will continue to press on and pray (in the good way), because God has said so. Obedience over emotion. Even if I need the heimlich maneuver to get the words out.

For a slew of reasons I haven't shared on this blog (and rarely shared in real life) 2011 has been one of the most challenging years for me as an adult. Losing someone I love and seeing others I love facing unbelievable struggles has, at times, pained me beyond tears. On the flip side, I have experienced some of the greatest joys of life this year as well. 2011 has been the year of Ecclesiastes 3:1:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...

I don't know what 2012 has in store for our family, but I am going to take a deep breath, pray, and see what season comes next.

How Do I Smell?

2011-11-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

So, let's be honest here. (It's my blog. Today I chose honesty. Tomorrow I will try to make myself look good.) Lately, I've been in a bit of a spiritual slump. I can blame it on a lot of factors (well, except God...), but the bottom line is that I have been running on spiritual fumes for far too long. This isn't an easy time for me as we are making some big transitions, and I think that, while the changes are good, they have temporarily deflated my spiritual sails. As a family, we are heading in the right direction, but for awhile I've been adrift.

Finally...finally...I did what I knew I should have done at the first sign of trouble (or before actually) - I picked up my Bible and dove in. It always amazes me how much I crave reading the Word, find a million excuses to put it off, and then when I finally get back into it I realize how life giving it is. Again. Because I learned this the last time I was struggling spiritually. Allegedly learned it. Mm-hmm.

I have been working through the Bible book by book (OK, if you want honesty, here is some. I was supposed to complete it in 90 days. I started January 1st. I'm in Jeremiah. Doh.), but I really felt drawn to jump into 2 Corinthians. Don't know why - it isn't my usual "go to" book, but I found myself reading and just soaking it in. When I got to chapter 2, I had one of those biblical "whoa"s.

But thanks be to God who leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? 2 Corinthians 2:14-16

As I read that passage, a question bull-in-a-china-shopped its way to the forefront of my mind.

How do I smell?

Smells are a reoccurring theme and reality in my life. I am a scent person. I love perfume (Victoria's Secret Heavenly). I have strong memory responses to smells (the inside of my china cabinet reminds me of my Gram). I invest a significant amount of money in Febreeze holiday scent sprays ("Glistening Alpine" is the current favorite). I have two highly perspirant boys who take karate (no explanation necessary there) and a daughter learning American hygiene. If I had a quarter for every time I had to remind someone in this house to put deodorant on, I could buy enough Glistening Alpine to bathe in. I am a smell person.

But how do I smell?

Between the Holy Spirit and my obsession with Yankee Candles, the idea that I am to be fragrance of Christ resonated deeply in me. I read and reread those verses and began to evaluate my day with my nose. Did I smell like the knowledge of Christ? Did I smell like life (which has to be similar to Glistening Alpine) to my husband? Or did my words and deeds in moments of frustration smell "skunkified" to my children? The only thing worse than having B.O. is having spiritual pit stains that reek. And I realized that sometimes my attitude smelled worse than a middle school gym locker. Worse than a middle school boys gym locker.

I felt discouraged. I did not feel fresh. I found myself asking, "Yeah, God. Who IS equal to such a task? Because I clearly am not. I cannot maintain a pleasant aroma for more than a few minutes at a time!" And then, because God always has the answer, I breathed a deep sigh of relief when I read chapter 3, verse 5.

Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 2 Corinthians 3:5

Or, as The Message Version says, "We stink. But God smells even better than Glistening Alpine, and He will lead and spread His fragrance of life via our rusty, scratched, yet environmentally friendly aerosol can. If we try to spread our own scent it will just smell like stale air. We're the can. He's the Refresher." (Roughly translated.)

The question "How do I smell?" has become a real test for me in the every day moments since I read this passage. It isn't an easy question to ask, but it is deeply fitting for me in this season of life. I have a child who isn't familiar with the knowledge of Christ and the indescribable beauty and blessing that this knowledge bestows upon those who believe. Trying to smell spiritually fresh to someone who lives with you 24/7 is not a task any human being can take up successfully, no matter how many candle warmers I own. (Three.) I find myself literally praying, "Lord, make me smell better!" It's no prayer of Mother Teresa or Billy Graham, but right now it is the cry of my heart.

I want to smell better. I want to smell like the knowledge of Christ. I want to be a pleasing aroma to the Lord. No amount of Febreeze or incense or deodorant will help with that. And so I'm off to curl up with what is better than any body spray. I'm going to read more of the Word and talk to my God who smells amazing.

Even better than Drakkar.

Random Post

2011-11-27T18:25:00.000-08:00

Too many thoughts, not enough segues. Time for the all inclusive "Random Post" post.

Darn you, Karen Carpenter.  This is the first Christmas without my Gram. We lost her in February, which seems impossible because it still just plain hurts. I never totally understood why people who had lost loved ones seemed to grieve more around the holidays...until now. (My gosh, was I stupid.) Of course, most of my Christmas memories involve my Gram and extended family, and even though Mark and I have lived far enough away for years to exclude us from being there physically, I still feel like the holidays are about family. I always loved Christmas shopping for my Gram, too, because she was the one person for whom Mark and I never set a money limit. I could buy her anything I thought she'd like, which sounds grand, but is actually difficult when the recipient was 95 and in those 95 years she had received most everything that had ever been made. For those of you who have been around the blog for a few years, you know we also celebrate "Kitchen Christmas", which was started by my Gram. It is the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and the children get to decorate a tree in the kitchen with home made ornaments. Again, most of my generation has scattered all over the US, so Kitchen Christmas has been different in my adult years, but we would all call and check in with the smaller group gathering at Gram's house. Until this year. Somehow my cousins and I got through the day yesterday, but there was no call to Gram to hear her, "Rello?" when she answered her phone.

I thought I was doing well with it, all things considered. A dear friend and her children came over yesterday afternoon and celebrated with us, and our tree looks downright festive with a touch of gawdy sparkle. (My favorite motif.) I didn't cry. My throat burned once in awhile as I thought of my Gram decorating a tree in heaven with the children who have left this earth too soon. (Maybe not Scriptural, but if it were, I could totally see it happening!) Then today...driving home from the grocery store...Karen Carpenter came on the radio singing "There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays". And my heart broke again. It manifested as a combination of the ugly cry and an ironic laugh. Ugly cry because I miss her so darn much. Ironic laugh because she would totally smack me upside the head for squalling. My Gram may not have been famous or a rocket scientist or a head of state. But she loved well. She loved her family so very, very well. And that's an indescribable legacy.

(And if she were still alive, she would be watching the Steelers play right now while muttering naughty words under her breath as Kansas City gets yet another first down...)

(Really, she loved Jesus. She also just happened to really love the Steelers, too.)

Speaking of the Steelers  Have you seen the new Head and Shoulders commercial with Palamalu covering the guys head with his hair? I know I am partial to all things Uncle Procter, but that is pure marketing genius!

Christmas Planning Well Underway  Of course, I say this and you watch - I'll be the girl in the "self check out" line at midnight on December 24th. Mark and I got down to business this year and made a very detailed spreadsheet for Christmas gift buying (OK, those of you who know me know MARK made the spreadsheet. Excel = tool of the devil. I could barely stand to look at it without going to the Dark Side.). I went out mid morning on Black Friday and got at least half of our list taken care of. Bam! We are really trying to be strategic this year with it being Alina's first Christmas with us. Add to that her birthday is on the 23rd, and it is going to be a lot of stimulation, commotion, and hyped up emotions for her. We want to plan as best we can to give her a holiday that is emotionally calm (see above paragraphs and please pray for me), not too busy, with enough down time and quiet to catch our breath. We also want to continue some special family traditions and maybe even start some new ones. It is going to take a lot of pre-planning, wisdom, and intentionality to keep a peaceful tone for our house.

And If You Feel Like Holding Me Accountable  (Don't. Just kidding. But be gentle.) It has been brought to my attention by the Holy Spirit (via a sermon, my dear friend Ang, and daily, irrefutable evidence) that I need to make some changes. You need to know I am about as good with the "Change" word as Fonzie was with the "Sorry" word. I stutter, I falter, sometimes I even foam at the mouth at the mere mention of change. The list of things that needs addressed is long and daunting, but let's start with a few basic ones. I need to rise and shine. Earlier than I feel like. I need to get up, get in the Word, and get me some Jesus before I start teaching my dear, impressionable children. I need to eat better and feed my family better. This one scares me. The kids and I made an all vegetarian lunch the other day. One out of three dishes was digestible. (We should have known when one of the recipes was called "Phoney Macaroni and Cheese".) Changing our diet will take a change of heart and a change of palette. (That's a lot of "change" in one sentence. Gulp.) I need to step away from the computer and anything that isn't about what I need to be about right now. I need to take care of my business. My focus needs more focus. (The Karate Kid quote. Appropriate, huh?) Change. As Sheryl Crow says, a change will do me good.

What Centers You?  Today we heard a sermon on "Rest". ("Can I get an 'Amen?'", said the exhausted Southern Baptist.) We were challenged to follow God's pattern of 6:1, 6:1, 6:1, etc. - six days of work, one day of rest (lather, rinse, repeat). There is something deeply significant about having a day of rest - God knew we would need it. We were asked to think of what fulfills us and helps center us. What would we do on a day of rest to help us be still, recharge, and hear from God? Uh... I don't know. I have been pondering this all afternoon. I know that I thoroughly enjoy sitting on my swing in the back yard with a good book. I love to blog. (Yes. I know I went silent for months. But in my head, I was cranking them out.) But I don't know what will really help me hear from God. So I am going to do some investigating. I'm going to try some things and see what helps. And to do so, I am soliciting suggestions. (While Mark is cute, he is not helpful. He recharges and gets centered by playing paintball. And while that surely isn't in The Message version, I have observed this and found it to be true for him.) So what centers you? What helps you get your feet back underneath you? When you have a free hour, how would you choose to spend it? If you read this (both of you), post some ideas in my comments section. I need help. Plus, I like comments.

So that is the November 27th edition of "Random Post". Lather, rinse, repeat.

What I'd Say to Those Starting Out.

2011-11-15T21:07:00.000-08:00

Even though we have known Alina for 7 months and had her home for six and a half months, I know I am still a total amateur at this whole "adoption thing". I can only imagine (and wait impatiently for!) what I will learn in the next seven months, or two years, or seven years with our daughter. I know there will be things I am doing or thinking right now that I will someday wish I had or hadn't done or thoughts I will recognize as false or just plain not helpful.

But even in this short amount of time down the long and winding road of adoption, there are a few (a very few, but we take what we can get!) pearls of wisdom I'd love to pass on to those who are just starting out.

1. When it comes to paperwork, pace is everything. There is absolutely no doubt about it, the paperwork necessary for adoption is daunting. On your best day. Mark and I have lived in three different states, I've had several different jobs before becoming "unemployed" (ha!), and if you've been around the blog for awhile, you know my medical records are...thorough. Every so often I would panic. Like the hyperventilating, frothing at the mouth, and trembling kind of we'll-never-get-this-done panic. Mark and I would sit down and set goals. This week we will do these two items to the best of our ability. (Because often it took two or three phone calls, letters, faxes, etc.) Pace yourself. You don't need it all done overnight, but you will feel so much better starting out of the gate if you set a good paperwork pace.

2. Name your bleeding ulcer. It seems more friendly that way. Admittedly, we had an exceptionally wild and emotional ride when it came to our adoption journey (Can you say "failed adoption"?), but when your heart is involved, your gastroenterologist quite possibly ends up being involved as well. There is nothing easy about adoption - not before, during, or after. When a curve comes or the bottom drops out on this roller coaster, catch your breath, but hold on. Have a good cry, but regroup. It is inevitable. (Did I mention this is hard?!?!?) Take care of yourself. Starting yesterday. Actually, starting the moment God first planted that little, tiny seed of a dream in your heart. Rest. East right. Walk like your Nikes are on fire. Remember, you can do this.

3. Read. Read. Read. I remember I bought my first "baby" book before the pee had even dried on the stick when I got pregnant with Jude. Then I read about eighteen more books before I needed maternity pants. (And that's saying something if you ever saw me pregnant...) Now I look back and laugh because, let's face it, they all said eighteen different things and swore the other theories would turn out a delinquent who would never sleep through the night. But there is a big difference when it comes to adoption reading. You really need experts. In many ways, there aren't natural instincts for parenting a child who has experienced neglect and abuse. Most of the time, you won't be able to draw on your own experience to understand where they are coming from. Allow your eyes to be opened to a different way of parenting and a difficult perspective. I was helped tremendously by reading Deborah Gray, Arleta James, Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky, and anything Karyn Purvis (seriously, I would read her grocery list if I could get my hands on it...). I needed the reality check and paradigm shift in my mind and heart to give us a starting point from which to work. Now, do I think I know it all? Oh, good grief - no! I am actually back to re-reading some of these books, and it is helping Mark and I understand better what we need to do, and what we really need not do. Does reading these books mean we won't raise a delinquent who doesn't sleep through the night? Man, I hope so!

4. Friends are like a bra. If they don't fully support you... Now, I say this keeping in mind that not everyone is called to adopt. Not everyone is able to understand why someone would adopt. So I am not saying take a machete to your "friend" list on Facebook if they don't "like" every adoption status update you post. First reactions don't always correlate to last words, so give folks some time to get their minds around this crazy idea. (It's crazy. We both know it is. But the good kind of crazy...) It isn't your job to change other people's minds about adoption...it IS your job to keep your mind on your calling. Yes, sometimes we need to hear from our spiritual mentors and families, but remember, Abraham probably took a ton of flack when he packed up his tents and left Ur. But, well...God called him. Period. Allow people to ask questions in a spirit of love, but don't allow your heart to be swayed by anyone but the Holy Spirit. And the upside of this is that you will be blessed beyond words by the folks who surprise you and come alongside with a spirit of encouragement and joy.

5. The theology of us being adopted by God is great, but when the going gets tough here's some theology to chew on...get down on your knees before the Lord, confess you have no idea what you are doing, show him the paper cuts from rifling through all those stinking books looking for an answer, and proclaim that when all is said and done, you remember that HE is THE ANSWER. I admit here and now - I have struggled with this. Uh, recently. (Do I get points for learning from my mistakes?) God writes the story of your child's life. God sees the heart perfectly. God heals. In His timing. With His love. We are the family, and that is really important. But He is GOD.

6. Laugh. I would be lying if I didn't say I have had a day or two here when I felt like a total failure at the end of the day. I search Amazon for a book about how to help children whose adoptive parents are total dorks with a complete lack of skill. I have been overwhelmed by how underwhelming I can be. When I feel like I am in over my head, I pray, take a deep breath, and then find one thing (or two) to laugh about. Little things, like how Alina taught the boys the Russian word for "underwear" and how they chant it when we walk past the intimates section at Walmart. The sweet sound of Alina's voice when she says, "Not really". How four of us scramble to sit anywhere but next to Mark when we play family Uno. Listening to the kids sing songs from High School Musical. Even on days when there are tears (regardless of whose tears they are), there are still glimpses of joy. And hope. Before you feel defeated by how far you have to go, remember how far you're child has come. Every. Little. Victory. Counts. You children deserve to be celebrated with joy, and you do, too.

7. Plan ahead, but count on nothing. Research hotels in Riga. Learn some basic Latvian. Buy some new sheets for your child. But don't put your life and your family's life on hold while you wait for your new child to land in the States. I've heard people say the only constant in adoption is that there are always changes. It's true. Cry over the delays, then stock up on socks for your child. Don't spend your time and energy counting days until they are home, spend your time and energy counting the blessings right in front of you today. Your adoption may be on hold, but life never is. Prepare, but don't hold God to your timeline. Take it from someone who knows. I mean, waaaaay deep down knows. His ways are not our ways. His calendar is always right. He sees things our eyes cannot. Prayerfully prepare. Practically prepare. But count on God, not your agency or the governments.

So, here are my few feeble words of wisdom to anyone just starting out or hovering in that mind numbing holding pattern in the adoption journey. But, if I am honest, this post is mostly for myself. I need to remember these things right now, too.

(So when I freak out on the blog in the future, please redirect my frothing, trembling, weepy self here. Thank you.)

An Attempt at Healthy Honesty

2011-11-11T22:37:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile. As a matter of fact, it has been so long I reached the point of not even feeling guilty about not blogging (and that's a first for me!). I have composed a million blog posts in my head, but I am learning in this season of life to really weigh my words and think carefully about what I am willing to put out there for public consumption. These past few weeks and months have been a time of tremendous transition - some joyful and welcome, with a few others disappointing and sad. I think I needed to walk through much of it alone in my heart and mind before coming here and processing things too transparently. While I want to be honest and open about all aspects of my life, there is a fine line that is being redrawn through our adoption process, and I am learning to discern what is helpful for me to share and what needs to stay between Mark, my family, and God.

Now all of that sounds like there is some big traumatic soap opera secret going on here, but that isn't the case at all. Much of life is still "normal" - although since getting their new sister, the boys have learned to live life actually wearing pants. (See? Joyful and welcome transition.) We are all doing really well. There aren't words to explain how Alina has infiltrated this mother's heart. :) She is a JOY and a DELIGHT, and most days I can't remember life before her! Phrases like "my daughter" or "I have a 13 year old" seem almost second nature to me now, and I have been reintroduced to the pink toy aisle at Walmart. How I've missed that feminine turf!

Alina is doing so well all in all. She is a very funny, witty, loving girl who occasionally has moments of sadness and adjustment pains. Even though we "knew" in our heads that this would be a huge adjustment for any child (new family, new culture, new language, new...everything), I can look back now with an even greater amount of respect for the courage of my daughter. I give her all the credit in the world, because she has been "all in" through the process of forming our new family. I am learning a greater understanding of what brings her joy, when she needs a hug, and when she needs some peace and quiet. She is doing a great job of opening up to us more and more about her past, her fears, her needs, and her frustrations. I'm just so thankful for this girl and the unexplainable blessing she is in our lives.

Of course, I feel like I have to be honest and say some days are harder than others. Another amazing Latvian adoptive mom said it best: "All days are good. Some days are better." I don't want to go through all the details of a good-as-compared-to-better day, but I find myself navigating a weird path. More than anything I want us to be viewed as a normal family (as opposed to the family who adopted a teen girl from oversees), but the reality is that in many ways we are so far from normal it would make your head spin (but at least not even in the pants optional way anymore). I am so thankful for a close knit online adoption community where I can speak with complete transparency and not suffer a "setback" in the pursuit of a semi-normal IRL perception. It isn't hard to know who wants an honest answer to "How are you?" (everyone wants to know all the details), but I have trouble sometimes discerning who can actually handle the honest answer to that question. Am I happy? Beyond. Is our family doing OK? Yes. We really are. Is it hard? You. Have. No. Idea. Would I do this again? WITHOUT A MOMENT'S HESITATION. Alina is a gift directly from the hand of God.

We've added homeschooling to the list of changes in our lives, and I think it has been a fabulous decision for us. Believe it or not, I am so thankful for all the time I get with the kids. I don't have that many days when I feel "peopled" out, even after doing school with them during the day, and then picking up and running to karate, making dinner, and doing all the other "mom" stuff. Sometimes it is hard to know whether they need me to be their mom/greatest cheerleader OR their teacher/here's a swift kick in the pants, now go reach your full potential voice. I love that the kids are really becoming the best of friends. For the most part, the kids seem to like it, too. Alina is ready for some closer friend relationships, and we have been blessed to have some girls step up and initiate a friendship with her. She is starting to attend a youth group on Wednesday nights, she has been fully embraced by our karate family, and she's connected with other homeschooled teens. We even have some fun Bingo friends who we play Bingo with at our public library! It is a balancing act - getting Alina the socialization she needs and wants while still understanding her need for a not-so-busy lifestyle. Most every day she rates the day - "Mommy, today very busy!" (That's usually not good.) or "Mommy, today was nice. Not so busy!" (Said with a smile.)

Some things I struggle with a little bit each day. I feel like there is an unspoken...pressure???...expectation???...anticipation??? from the very pro-adoption Christian community to announce Alina's dramatic profession of faith, so this adoption can be considered a true "success" story of redemption. Don't get me wrong - I pray every single day for her to know and fall in love more and more with Jesus, but when I read some blogs or posts on Facebook (often by folks who haven't adopted, but promote the idea of Christians adopting) I feel like there is this...I don't know....assumption that if you bring a child to the U.S.A. and place them in a Christian family they will instantly become a walking testimony. I LOVE teaching Bible to Alina. She has no born and bred Bible Belt filter on her thoughts and feelings, and once I got used to that, I find it an amazing blessing that she is honest about her curiosity and questions about God and faith and grace. But our family is not her Savior, and nothing we've done will result in that. God is definitely wooing her, and it is beautiful to watch, but sometimes I feel like there is this spiritual, slightly impatient foot tapping from "religious" people who want the immediate gratification of the "big red bow on top" adoption story. I am learning that most everything in life is a marathon, not a sprint.

I also struggle with feeling like I am not enough for her. I don't think this is necessarily an "adoption" thing, because I have days of maternal insecurity with the boys, too. But just like with the boys, I want to be exactly who and what they need every moment. I am learning that I can't make anything up to Alina with regards to her past, and I can't be the perfect mom to any of my kids all of the time. Leaning on God has been more like throwing myself down before Him in panicked desperation sometimes. (How's that for a visual to inspire confidence?)

I struggle with how consuming my family is right now. Not that I mind it - honestly, I am finding great joy in being so inward focused - but I feel like every conversation with a friend should start with an apology for being off the radar so much. There isn't enough of me right now, and the guilt I sometimes feel about that can be nearly paralyzing. I miss some of my friends deeply. But Mark needs me, and my kids need me, and I need them. If there is one thing that the ups and downs of 2011 have taught me it is this - in the end, family is everything. But I hope my relationships can weather this season.

Tomorrow Alina and Mark leave for our third and final trip for this adoption. I haven't been apart from Alina overnight since April 15th, and I am feeling weepy about this week. But I love that Mark and Alina have some special daddy/daughter time together. Seeing their relationship blossom has been one of the greatest joys of my life. He is such a great daddy-of-a-daughter. He is so smitten with her and fiercely protective of her. It is beautiful. While they're gone, the boys and I are going to do some special mom/son stuff...we're going to catch a basketball game at Vandy, spend lots of time practicing martial arts, and I may even let them run around in their underwear one day. (Maybe...)

So our life is settling down and yet still full of change. It is beautiful. It is a journey. And I can honestly say there aren't four other people in this world I'd rather walk this out with.

Ugh!

2011-09-25T17:31:00.000-07:00

Prague

Charles Bridge in Prague

Cathedral in Prague

Mom and I on Charles Bridge

Prague

Alina and I outside a cathedral in Prague

Just typed up a long blog post about our trip to Riga, Daugavpils, and Prague...and then promptly lost it! Since it is nearly kick off time for the Steelers Sunday Night game, I am just going to post some pictures for now and maybe rewrite my post another time. :)

Mom and Alina in Riga

Mom & Alina, Freedom Monument

Alina & I at Cili Pizza - our favorite!

Mom and Olga (Alina's foster mom!). Two great ladies!

Alina's foster family. We <3 them all!

Greetings from Riga!

2011-09-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

After a very uneventful trip over, we arrived safely and on time in Riga. Although we had big plans for sleeping all the way over the ocean on our overnight flight, Alina and I were distracted by the wide selection of movies available on our personal tvs. She watched Rio and Soul Surfer, and I watched Jane Eyre. I got about an hour or so of pseudo sleep, mom got a few hours maybe of drifting off, and Alina stayed awake the whole trip! She was pooped by last night!

One of the best things about this trip (besides my mom coming along for fun!) is that I finally got to hang out with Brenna, another adoptive mom who I connected with many moons ago via Facebook, etc. Brenna's family has had an eerily similar road with adoption as we had previously (similar people involved), so we have walked this crazy journey of ups and downs "together" even though we had never met face to face...until now! She is here with Micah, her bio daughter and Leigah, her adopted Latvian daughter for their third trip to finalize Leigah's adoption. Not only are we in Riga at the same time, but we are in the same B&B, AND for the trifecta, we are right next door to each other!!!! Meeting her "for real" has been awesome, because now there's a face to a person who knows ALL my business. :). For any future adopting families, take advantage of the other adoptive families whose paths cross you own - there are some things that I can share with Brenna with total honesty and KNOW she gets it. We all went to dinner together last night, and had I not had a wicked case of the jet lag, I woulda stayed up all night chatting with Brenna like a slumber party deja vu.

We spent today seeing Riga. We are staying in a different part of the city than I have before, but with only one wrong turn and a few paper cuts from the well worn map, we got to see so much of this city I love! It was fun to see some new places I haven't visited before, and to show my mom some of my favorite spots and sites. Tomorrow we are taking a bus to Daugavpils to spend some extra time with Alina's foster family. Have I mentioned recently how much I love these people?!?! I am looking forward to seeing the Latvian countryside again...along with the magnificent stork nests. We will be in Daugavpils by tomorrow afternoon, and then Wednesday is our court appointment in the afternoon. Wednesday evening we will take the bus back to our hotel in Riga, spend the night, and then fly out Thursday. It is a quicker visit than I'd like in the sense that I wish we'd have more time to spend with Brenna and Alina's foster family, but it is hard to spend the extra money on more days of vacation when we need to be saving up for trip number three.

Lots of little details to share about our day, but that will have to wait until I get home so I can type on my "real" computer and download pictures. We have the iPad which is great for Fruit Ninja, but rough for blogging and impossible for downloading pictures. We are having fun, have recovered (mostly) from the zombie feeling, and we're looking forward to our next few days. I would appreciate prayers for our court appointment Wednesday afternoon, and if you're feeling it, prayers that I find my hair straightener before then. Whoa. My hair without the straightener is an international incident unto itself.

Will update again as we go!

Latvia Bound!

2011-09-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

This week Alina and I are preparing to head back to Latvia for our second court appointment in the adoption process. While it is a long trip to get there, I am so, so excited to go back to Latvia! It is difficult to put into words what Latvia means to us, and how we feel about the country and her people. Often times when people adopt internationally, they see the worst side of a particular country or region...our experience this time has been exactly the opposite. Latvia is a beautiful, strong, resilient country, and the people we have met through this adoption journey - from Alina's foster family, our amazing lawyer, and the court workers - continually demonstrate all that is good there. It has been a humble blessing to us, and we will always, always love this place.

To make this trip even more fun, my mom is going along! (Look out, world!) She is excited to see Latvia and meet all the people we love there, and I can't wait for her to see her first stork nest. It means a lot to me to have someone else in our family see Latvia, too.

We have one more trip after this one to finalize the adoption, and then in a few years we plan to take all five of us back for a few weeks. The boys really want to go now, but finances aren't as accommodating as we'd like, and a court trip won't be as much fun as a full out vacation there. We've already started saving up for our family trip back, and the boys are already talking about what we'll do and see when we go!

Between homeschooling, packing, and just the new day to day life of a family of five, things are busy, but good. We are all settling together in a permanent way, and it feels great for our new normal to feel more and more...normal. Six months ago I couldn't imagine where we are now, and I am nearly speechless when I think of where God has brought us and what He has shown us about Himself. I would not have imagined we would have so much laughter and joy. Alina is such a blessing.

And soon we will be Latvia bound!

Here's the Deal

2011-08-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

There are so many things in the course of a day that I want to blog about, but inevitably one of two things happens. Most often, I have the thought but not the time to sit down and pour my thoughts out into the vastness of cyberspace (where only a few shall find them, and at least a few of those who do end up attributing them to the other Ann...). The other situation that stops me short of the keyboard is the fact that people may actually read my blog. I want to be real here - really, really real - because I know there are adoption folks and homeschool folks and just plain interested folks who want the real deal. But I struggle to deliver right now.

My excuse is multi faceted. For one, I know that I'm on an emotional roller coaster and what I may feel one moment can change the next. The big picture doesn't change, but depending on sleep quantity, attitudes of children, and strength of faith the little picture can vary enough to make me appear like an unfiltered schizophrenic blogger. I don't ever want people to think our adoption isn't a great source of joy for us (it always is), and I don't ever want people to think our adoption is struggle free. (They never are.)

If I am honest, the other reason I struggle to be totally transparent is that I believe being forthright has cost me dearly in the past. It is my (strong) hunch that some things I shared online perhaps rubbed someone a bit the wrong way, and this person then decided to intervene in our lives in a way that dramatically changed the trajectory of our family forever. Do I regret where we are now? Not a chance. While God used this for good, I can't help but feel burned by this person's intentions and I now come to the "New Post" page with an overcautiousness that stifles words and thoughts. It is frustrating. I struggle to push past it. It's not that there are any major cliffhangers in my world to reveal, but I long for the days when I felt safe enough to be honest about the ups and downs and ins and outs of life. A day is coming very soon when I will get past it, and life on my blog will return to its unfiltered glory, but in the meantime I still find myself biting my cyber-tongue.

To cover the basics, we are doing well. Homeschooling is a never ending adventure (sometimes the good kind, sometimes the "how the heck do people do this year in and year out?!?!" kind...), we are preparing for our second trip to Latvia in less than a month, and we are heading to PA for a family wedding this weekend. Tomorrow will be a busy day of math, history, spelling and phonics, grammer, literature, geography, and Bible, while PE will consist of wrestling all the clothes into one or two suitcases.

That's the deal...for now. Please hang in there with me. The day will come (and sooner than you may think) when I will feel like I can lay it all out there again. Until then, I will try to keep things as real as I comfortably can.

Or I'll make stuff up.

Either way.

Updating Again

2011-08-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

I really wish I had a super catchy title for this blog post, but honestly my "super catchy" is running on fumes. Things are going well at home, but between the usual mom and housefrau stuff and the new addition of homeschool marm I am all out of super catchy.

The homeschooling adventure continues. It has been a learning curve, but I have to say I thoroughly enjoy most of it. We are using a terrific curriculum that has saved me tons of time and effort and frustration because the lesson plans are already done for me for the entire school year. Making sure the kids are moving along is a great reassurance to this first time homeschooling mom.

It isn't easy. I didn't imagine it would be, but I find it is hard to find the balance between being the mom and the teacher. I know, I know - I have always been both, but there are moments when I know a teacher would push them harder, and my normal reaction would be to cut them some slack. It is an emotional balancing act, and one I hope to get better at as time goes on. Today we are taking the day off so I can just be their mom. I need it, and as they adjust to me being the teacher I think they need it as well.

The one thing I hear a lot when homeschooling comes up in casual conversation is, "I could never do that!" I thought that, too. I felt like I needed the personal time that public school offered me to accomplish the housework and to pursue some personal interests. I have been shocked to say, I don't miss that at all. Yes, I wish for time when I could have peace and quiet or an hour to sit and read a library book, but I have found that I LOVE being with the kids so much. Crazy, isn't it? All the things I thought I'd miss (lunches with friends, shopping during school hours, naps...) - I just don't. Honestly. Like I said, it isn't always easy. But I am so much more aware of the sacredness of time.

One the adoption front we are less than a month away from our second trip to Latvia! Alina, my mom, and I are heading out in September for second court. Although it is a long trip, I am so, so, so excited to be going back. I don't know how to explain it, but my heart is so tender for Latvia. I love it. I love that my daughter is from there. I love that we are a Latvian American family now. I love that we get to see her foster family again. They are some of the dearest people I have ever known, and I can't wait to see them again.

Life is so different today than it was a year ago. Or six months ago. I don't think six months ago I could have ever imagined what the Kimmel house would be like today, but I love what God has done and is doing. There is lots of growth (and sometimes growth can be painful), but I am overwhelmed by the joy God has blessed us with. With that joy is sometimes fatigue, but I wouldn't trade tired and happy for well rested and average!!!

What's Up?

2011-08-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

I didn't mean to drop the big ol' home schooling bombshell and then vanish back into the safety of cyberspace, but I suppose that may be how it seems. It's just that we have been so busy lately. (I'm sure you can relate!)

We started our home schooling adventure last Thursday, and after three days I can say that no one has died, bled, or thrown up. Including me. I am actually enjoying the extra time and focused attention with the kids...so far. I fully anticipate days when at least one of us may cry, but I am thankful for the three day, tear-free roll we are on. There are some definite challenges and a learning curve that at times feels slightly like a roller coaster. It is a challenge to know exactly where Alina is academically in some areas, and managing three kids at three different grade levels feels a little chaotic to me at times. I know some of this will get easier with time. I am really happy so far with our curriculum and with the kids' efforts. It is definitely a huge change for all of us, but we are in unchartered territory and it is a bit of a scary adventure. But at least we are all in it together.

Today we took the day off from home school and after a dentist appointment we headed to the community pool to swim with our good friends. We love the town pool, and today it was extra great because most all of the other families were off school shopping, and there were maybe 15 of us in the whole place. We were only planning to stay until early afternoon, but we ended up getting home at 4 PM! It is just too hard to walk away from a huge, empty pool on a hot day!

Everyone is doing well overall. I am still amazed at how well Alina is adjusting to being a Kimmel. Mark and I often have to remind ourselves that she has only been here three months because it feels like she has always been a part of our family. We are planning to go get our pictures as a family of five done soon - I can't wait! There are lots of layers to adoption and adjustments for everyone, but I can honestly say that each day is a blessing. As another wise older-child-adoption-mom says, all days are good, some days are better.

As a random tidbit, Mark and I watched a great movie the other night called The Fighter. It was up for several Academy Awards, and although I wasn't too thrilled about another "man" movie, I had to admit at the end that it was a fantastic movie. The language is...uh...strong (Jersey strong), so not for children's ears. But the acting was amazing and it is a true story. Loved it.

There is always a lot on my mind these days. I would love to sit down and really blog my heart out some time, but for now...this is what's up.

Bring on the Denim Jumper Jokes

2011-07-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

I have hemmed and hawed about posting on this topic for several weeks now, but if this blog is to be a place where I share about my life then I better just put it out there. I know this may be a controversial subject for some of my readers (both of you), so please know in advance I am not the controversial type. I'm not out to change anyone's mind - I just want to share what is on mine.

We are home schooling.

I know. I know! We're going all Duggar on you. I'm growing my hair long (because it is my crown and glory and I am much more spiritual when it is up in a bun), and I am spinning wool to sew my own denim jumpers to wear (because good women don't wear pants).

Not.

But we are home schooling our three kids this year.

I have good friends in both "camps" (pro homeschool vs. pro public school...they meet on the off days of the stay at home mom vs. working mom battles), but one of the benefits of getting older is that I have learned how to love more people, but care less and less what people may think. Of course, I am (hopefully!) not one to parade around with a chip on my shoulder, so I wanted to explain why we're doing what we're doing, and dispel any myths that might come to mind about our decision.

We have to homeschool Alina because of the Visa on which she's legally here in the States. She cannot be enrolled in a public school as a full time student on a travel and tourism Visa. While that may make people cringe from an educational standpoint, it does have some wisdom from an attachment standpoint in our situation. Often when families adopt an infant, they begin practicing a style of parenting called "attachment parenting" where the primary goal is to meet all the child's needs immediately and solely until the child feels assured, safe, and attached to the parents. Mark and I don't ascribe to all the facets of that style of parenting (nor have we ever), but in our specific older child adoption, we can work at instilling this sense of trust, assurance, and "I got your back-ness" through homeschooling. Of course, there are many, many ways to build that kind of bond, but for us homeschooling seemed like an important emotional component.

While joining our family was a huge change for Alina, it has also been an adjustment for the boys (who adore their sister), and we felt like their emotional needs were just as important at this very specific crossroads. Having the three children home with access to a parent and even more importantly to each other just made good sense as we looked at everyone's needs.

Since we will be home schooling Alina at least until the adoption is final, we weighed how having three children on two very different educational settings and schedules would affect everyone (and by "everyone" I'm mainly talking about my friend, Miss Mom's Sanity). One party would be interrupting the other over and over until no one learned anything except the car learning the drive from home to school and back again.

There are other smaller contributing factors that affected our decision to homeschool, but the dynamics of our family at this time was probably the greatest catalyst for the change. Of course, the minute I say we're homeschooling, I feel like I need to clarify and address a few points often made by folks on both sides of the schooling debate. Here are some of the myths I just don't subscribe to.

Myth #1 - People homeschool because the public schools are evil.

Uh, no. It's a little hard to subscribe to this train of thought as the daughter of two retired public school teachers. While they didn't always get me everything on my Christmas list, they are a far cry from evil. My parents are the two teachers I most respect in the world, and even if we weren't related I would feel that way after seeing firsthand the positive effect they both have had on many, many students' lives. Heck, if they lives closer they'd be homeschooling my kids. The boys have attended a very good public school, and for the most part we were OK with their experiences there. But there are some things I have wanted to add in and some things I would choose to remove from their education, and homeschooling gives us the freedom to do that. Could we supplement their public school education at home and achieve this goal? Not without a heck of a lot more nap time for this mama. I know there are parents who can, and do, do this well...but I'm not that girl and our family doesn't want to dedicate more time to education on top of the 8 hours we already spend. That's just us. I'd rather do the eight hours myself. (I say that now...)

Myth #2 - Christian children should be in the public schools to be salt and light. Homeschooling just shelters them, and keeps them from effective evangelism.

Public schools are not the residence of Satan and all his minions all the time. If that were true, how do you explain all the demonic activity in the Walmart check out lines? I think it is insulting to assume that all children in the public school are lost or faithless. (I also find it ironic that I have heard this "they need to be salt and light!" argument from adults who would rather shove an icepick under a fingernail than invite their unchurched neighbor to a Christmas Eve service. Apparently in their mind, children can get the short stick of evangelism until they get old enough to be creeped out by it.) Keep in mind that Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was 30. (I wonder if Mary sent him to Hebrew school each day hoping he would lead more 8 year old boys to...Himself...) In some ways, I hope homeschooling shelters my kids. If I had to hear one more time that so-and-so's mom lets him play Call of Duty in 3rd grade, I would have open my own can of whoop...well, you know. So there are some things I am happy to avoid by keeping my kids home. But I am homeschooling them, not hatching them so they won't be hiding between my stomach fat and my big feet like a baby penguin all day every day.

Myth #3 - Homeschooling people are religious freaks.

I know what you're thinking. Here she goes - going to grow her hair long and wear skirts and sensible shoes and no make up and frown upon anyone with an ounce of style. My toenails are currently sporting blue sparkle nail polish that matches my blue flower tattoo, and can you imagine how often I would have to actually shave my legs to go all skirt on you?!?!?! Uh, I don't think so. Being "religious" (a word that creeps me out even as a believer...) has nothing to do with where you educate your children. And I will only break out sensible shoes when I get bunions.

Myth #4 - Homeschooled children are less social.

From your lips to God's ears. (Anyone who has been trapped in a car with any of my kids for any length of time will understand.)

So...we're homeschooling. Right now. Don't know for how long or even how it will look at the end of the year. But I do know for sure that, for us, it is the right decision for where we are in our crazy life right now.

I'm off to shave my legs.

The Well Visit Went...Well.

2011-07-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

Today we had Alina's first "well visit" since coming home. She has already traipsed along with Jude and/or Cal on a few doctor visits, so she knew the place and people fairly well already. I explained what they would be doing at her well check up and what they might ask, and she said she wasn't scared or nervous at all. And she did great!

We got a lot of great information from her well check up. We were very blessed to have been provided her shot records from her foster family, and we knew she had excellent care in their home, so most of the "usual" issues of internationally adopted children weren't issues for us at all. They did a quick finger prick to check basic blood work, a urine test (which she and I giggled about for several minutes, but they apparently do them in Latvia too so she wasn't too horrified by the concept!), measured her height and weight, tested her balance/muscle tone, and checked her vision.

If you've seen pictures of Miss Alina, it is obvious she is a little bitty thing, but I was surprised to see that she weighs about the same as Jude and Calvin! (In her defense, Calvin is the most solidly built child I have ever seen while Jude is as lean as they come...) We have noticed her growing taller even since we've been home, and no matter how I try to protest, one day sooner than I'd like my daughter will be taller than me! But she is growing well and proportionally, and to be honest is built very much the same way I was at her age. (May she stay away from the Whatchamacallits when she someday gets pregnant because it was all down hill from there...) Her blood work and urine test all came back great, and she passed all the coordination tests with flying colors.

We did learn today that she will need glasses. We have been watching her closely as she reads or works on the computer to see if she is straining to see, and today the doctor noticed that her one eye isn't doing it's fair share of the work. We are making an appointment with our family eye doctor to get her rechecked and probably ordering her glasses. We also got an inhaler for her to use as needed. Sometimes when we go for walks, she has tightening in her chest and pain in her side, and the doctor thinks she may have exercise induced asthma. I feel pretty confident that this won't be a huge problem for her, but it is nice that we have what we need already should she one day need assistance from an inhaler.

We knew before adopting Alina that she had been diagnosed with scoliosis, but it was considered mild and probably just something we would just have to watch to be sure no intervention would be necessary. One of the reasons we wanted to have Alina checked out now was to see how our doctor felt about her scoliosis, and so the doctor would have a baseline to compare with as Alina grows. The doctor ordered an X-ray of her spine, and we will go later this week for that to hopefully give us some more specific insight into what we are dealing with. The doctor wouldn't commit to any prognosis from just the office exam, but she did say that the x-ray very well may show us she needs to see an orthopedic specialist.

I know in the big scheme of things, this is really - as we say in our house - "no biggie", but when it is your daughter, well...it feels like kind of a biggie. I am trying not to worry since we don't have any definitive answers yet (and also because, you know...Jesus tells me not to...), but the thought of her having to wear a brace or have any sort of surgery makes me physically ache inside. It is one thing to see the word "scoliosis" on a piece of paper before meeting Alina, but a whole other ball game when she is here and we love her so dearly and we would do anything to avoid any fear or pain for her. Not realistic I know, but it's a mother's heart.

She is, overall, very healthy, and for this we are so thankful. Tomorrow morning she has another horse riding lesson, and then we have our post placement visit with a social worker to write a report for the court back in Latvia. If it isn't unbearably hot, I may take the kids swimming in the afternoon (but it may be unbearably hot..again). My prayer each day this week has been that God would allow me to enjoy my children, because sometimes I get so busy with the duties of motherhood that I forget how delightful and fun they really are! As Mark said to me tonight, we love our life. There may be curves in the road ahead (pun intended), but in the big scheme of things...we are really, really well.

Stay-cation, Storms, and Strep...Oh My!

2011-07-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

I am finally, finally feeling better with my ears! Thank goodness - I can't believe how something so small can cause so much discomfort. I am convinced ear infections are the hangnail or paper cut of the infection family.

I was so happy to be feeling better because late in the week, my folks who are the captains of the "Spur of the Moment Club" decided to drive on down for a mini vacation with us! Fifty years ago my dad had stopped at Ruby Falls in Chattanooga with his parents, and when I mentioned that we had been there a few years ago, he told me how much he'd like to go back there someday. Well, someday became this weekend, and my parents showed up Friday afternoon with my 14 year old nephew in tow! I could feel a fun weekend brewing as soon as they pulled in.

Friday evening we had tickets to a Nashville Sounds game through Mark's work, so we loaded up two cars and headed to the stadium for dinner and some baseball. The dinner was great, the kids had a blast, and then right after the ceremonial first pitch, the clouds opened up, and as we used to sing in Sunday School the rains came a'tumbin down! I had thought about bringing an umbrella, but feeling excited and optimistic, I walked right past it on my way out the door. In a panic, my mom and I did the only classy thing we could think to do - we grabbed the extra trash bag on the nearest trash can, unfolded it, and held it over our heads. We thought the rain would let up, but after twenty minutes and my white capri pants becoming decidedly see through, we called the game and headed home. Funny thing is, we still had a great time! It would have been nice to see the game, but sometimes the atmosphere is enough.

Saturday morning Jude and Mark went to play at an all day paintball event, so the rest of our gang piled in the Nav and headed for Chattanooga. We took our good old time getting there, stopping just outside Chattanooga when Calvin started to feel sick to his stomach. Always one to overreact, we stopped and bought some lunch along with a substantial stash of medicine for him, and once he was properly drugged we headed on to Ruby Falls.

Let me just say, if you are ever in the general area of Ruby Falls, it is TOTALLY worth the effort to visit there. Even though it was my second time seeing it, it is still breathtaking! If you are claustrophobic, you might want to just visit the lovely gift shop for a postcard because it is a long walk through an underground cave.) We had an amazingly great day! It was so fun to visit Ruby Falls again, and especially cool to see it with my dad who remembered it from so many years ago. Cal, Alina, and my nephew Ryon had a great time seeing the falls, walking through the cave, and generally having fun together. Since we had so much fun going down into the mountain, we decided to splurge and ride the incline down the side of the mountain for fun. (My mother would use air quotes on the "for fun" part. She was desperately hoping one of her grandkids would chicken out so she could avoid getting on that thing.) I have to admit, it is high up there, and while the trip down was neat, the trip up was a little...unsettling. Riding backwards up a mountain at a ridiculously steep grade makes a person take some deep breaths! After our adventures, we started for home.

We stopped at a Cracker Barrel for dinner (I think there is some unspoken rule that you have to eat at a Cracker Barrel at least once every road trip...), and Calvin was not interested in eating anything. That's unusual to say the very least. He started shivering, and feeling sick again so I doctored him up with meds again, and fortunately he slept the rest of the way home. We carried him to bed, and hoped he felt better in the morning after a good night's sleep.

At 4:30 Mark and I woke up to a Calvin shivering, near tears, and trying desperately not to throw up. Poor guy! We got him more medicine, settled him in our bed, and he finally fell back to sleep around 7. You know, right in time for me to wake up. (This getting up early each morning finally bit me in the backside!) When he finally woke up, we could tell he was running a fever, but with Mark's assurance that he'd be fine, I took mom, dad, and Ryon downtown Nashville to enjoy some of the flavor of the city. We walked around, ate at Margaritaville, made a quick stop at Bass Pro Shop, and got home mid afternoon. I walked in the door to hear Cal holler from the bathroom, "Mom! I need you!" While he hadn't thrown up, it was evident he was feeling awful. Mark and I were suspicious that he had strep again because this is his usual pattern for getting a strep infection (we are pros now at at home diagnostics in this arena), so I decided to take him to a walk in clinic. I loaded him, a blanket, and a wastebasket in the car and off we went. Four minutes from our destination, I could hear the unmistakable sounds of Calvin hurling in the backseat.

Turns out, he has...wait for it...wait for it...strep! Combined with a nice, festering ear infection, he was feeling absolutely awful. We got a prescription for antibiotics and thankfully a prescription for Zofran, and anti nausea medicine created with pixie dust and rainbows I'm convinced. Not only has it stopped the hurling, it helps Calvin get a nice, long sleep. Which in turns, helps me.

So our weekend, was a lovely (mostly) mix of stay-cation, storms, and strep. While I could have done without the step for poor Cal Henry, I know we all made some great memories we'll cherish forever. I love when that happens. Minus the strep.

I Can't Ear You!

2011-07-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

Seriously. It's not a typo.

Mark went out of town earlier this week, and inevitably that means I (or one of the children) will come down with some sort of ailment. In the past, we've dealt with scarlet fever, strep, stomach bugs, funky rashes and the like in his absences, but this time I got creative and developed...earaches.

I have always thought of earaches as more of a child's illness. Poor Cal Henry lived his first year with what seemed like one continuous ear infection until he got tubes put in and we finally realized we weren't raising the spawn of Satan. Having relief from the ear pain changed his personality dramatically.

Now I totally understand why.

Over the weekend I noticed my ears felt a little...full. Nothing painful, just full. Sunday night I rolled over once and thought, "Ouch." The minute Mark pulled out of the driveway Monday afternoon I developed a full blown ear infection. We were at the Take Care Clinic shortly thereafter. The ear that REALLY hurts is actually the one that is less infected, but it has more fluid pushing out. I started taking a Z pack of antibiotics, Advil, and I literally carried the prescription ear numbing drops with me wherever I went. I thought for sure by today I would have some relief, but pretty much everything from the neck up is throbbing, and my hearing fluctuates between muted and overly sensitive. (Karate class today was a real party for me...) I went back to the Take Care Clinic whimpering about the pain this afternoon, and while the infection has begun clearing up, there is even more fluid in both ears...thus the continued pain.

Waa.

I am on a Z Pack of antibiotics, even more Advil, and now an antihistamine to clear up the fluid, and someone may have to pry the ear numbing drops out of my cold, dead hands someday.

Oh, my aching ears!

I Did It!

2011-07-12T06:19:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of myself (and it is only 8:14 AM!)! Mark is out of town for business, so I decided that TODAY would be the day I get out of bed early and start my day off right. You know it is time for the alarm clock when the conviction of the Holy Spirit was heavier yesterday than my comforter at 8:45...

I went to bed earlier than I have been, set the alarm for 6:50, and almost beat Calvin to the day. He came into my room at 6:20, and I had him crawl in bed with me so he wouldn't wake his brother up. He fell back asleep until shortly before the alarm went off, and I didn't even hit the snooze. (Holla!) He and I got up and made muffins for everyone. Jude rolled out of bed at 8:00 (which is an hour and a half later than usual), and my teen daughter is still snoozing.

I feel great already about my day, although I fear a crash mid afternoon.

But I did it. I got up early.

And I'm going to try and do it again tomorrow.

Forgive Me, Rodgers and Hammerstein...

2011-07-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

...but today I wanted to do a brief blog post about a few of My Favorite Things. (No. Oprah isn't the originator of that phrase anymore than Al Gore is the sole creator of the internet.) Late last night as I tossed and turned fitfully, I began to think about some of the little things that make me smile. It was actually a really pleasant exercise, and one I hope to continue with some sort of regularity on the blog.

In no particular order...here are a few of my favorite things!

1. My dog's chocolate brown eyes.

2. Hearing my children laugh together.

3. Eating a cucumber fresh from our own garden.

4. A song at church that makes me cry.

5. The smell of my dad's garage.

6. The TN sky at sunset.

7. A house that smells like Pledge.

8. Fresh sheets.

9. Hearing from old friends.

10. The rare, but cherished, "Good job, Ann!" from my karate teacher.

Sometimes I forget that life is best measured by the small blessings and the big trials. While the big trials often consume our attention and energy, God is overly abundant in the little moments. I am learning that His love is best expressed in a whisper, in a moment, in a small answered prayer. I am so thankful for these things, and the other little "favorite things" in my world!

What are some of your favorite things?

I Just Gotta...

2011-07-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

With all the changes in our home and family, many things that seemed otherwise important have fallen by the wayside in recent months. I don't feel a bit bad about that, because my focus has been where it needed to be. We are starting to transition nicely into the "new" normal, and before we get ourselves established in an ingrained routine, there is something I need to add back in very intentionally.

I just gotta get up in the morning.

Now, I am not a sloth. While the boys often rise and shine before I do, I am usually up and at 'em by 7:30 (ish...). Calvin is a "my eyes opened a fraction of a millimeter so I must wake up" kind of kid, and then he proceeds to wake his brother (because who wants to play alone?), so it is hard to beat these two at greeting the morning. But I am slowly realizing that I need some quiet time before the day gets too far started, and I just gotta make it happen.

Here is what I want it to look like: The alarm goes off (to praise music, not that nails-on-a-chalkboard buzzer sound!). I stretch, quietly roll out of bed not disturbing my peacefully sleeping husband, greet Marshall, and tiptoe to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I grab my tea and my Bible and sneak out the front porch to read Scripture, pray, and listen to the Lord. When the tea is finished, I take Marshall for a brisk walk and return in time to make some muffins or eggs for my family who is just beginning to rise. I greet the children and my husband with a hug and kind word, and we begin a day filled with grace and joy.

Here is what the reality will most likely be: I have to set my cell phone alarm since I have no alarm clock on my side of the bed, so odds are several nights a week the battery will go dead and I will sleep in until Regis and Kelly. On the nights the battery lasts, I will roll over, reach for the phone on the nightstand, knock it onto the floor by accident, and then fall off the side of the bed pulling my groin while trying to pick it up. I will be exhausted, but will plug on because surely - surely! - it has to get better, right? I trip over Marshall who yelps, waking exhausted hubby who mumbles something that is either unkind or propositional in nature, neither of which I feel like responding positively to. I stumble to the kitchen to make tea, turn on the wrong burner, and realize I forgot to run the dishwasher so I have no clean mugs anyway. Sighing, but still hopefully, I snag up my Bible from the table, dropping a year's worth of church bulletins all over the floor. Instead of gathering them up, I press on and open the front door only to realize that the squeak of the hinges is actually WORSE than the nails-on-the-chalkboard alarm sound. Marshall sneaks out with me and precedes to bark at the lady who apparently has done this whole morning routine thing perfectly because she is already out walking. Instead of being quiet when I shush him, Marshall decides for once in his life to be brave and run to the street to greet the walker. After repeatedly calling him to come back and repeatedly being ignored, I traipse out to the street with bed head, an old night sweat dampened T-shirt, and no bra only to discover that the old lady is actually a fit young guy who has now tripped over Marshall. I drag Marshall back to the house and finally settle on the porch chair, only to hear the shrieking of the front door and see Calvin emerge bleary eyed and in his underpants, followed by his equally unclothed brother. As I try to get them back inside, they begin crying (either from the confusion of being awakened by the barking dog or fear at the sight of their mother braless in an old T shirt with scary hair). Before I can shoo them back inside, the real old lady who walks everyday passes by my house, looks at the wailing boys in their skivvies on the front porch, shakes her head, and (I can just tell...) begins to pray for my home and family as I am clearly needing divine intervention to make it to 7 AM. Nearly at wits end already for the day, I drag the children inside to make a nice breakfast only to discover the wrong burner is still on, there is no milk, and one of the crying children has slipped on a stack of old church bulletins. Just when I think it can't possibly get any worse, Alina comes out of her room to see what the ruckus is all about, and I have to find the best way to translate "Your mother tried to get out of bed too early this morning and if she could do it all over again she'd just wait for Regis and Kelly" into Latvian.

Sigh.

While I will keep my expectations a little low, I know I've just got to try and do this.

Heaven help those early walkers.

The Best Medicine

2011-07-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

They say laughter is the best medicine. I totally agree (unless you have an upset stomach...then I swear by peppermint Extra gum). As I apply this adage to our life these days, I must say we are generally a pretty healthy bunch.

Mark and I. We got nearly hysterical yesterday as Mark tried to test my awesome martial arts skills by locking me in a bear hug and daring me to escape. He was feeling pretty confident about his ability to contain me until I opened up a can of "defense against the bear hug"...especially when I got to the part about "strike low". He now has a new respect for me, and a new fear of the phrase "strike low".

The Kids. There is nothing I find more delightful than hearing the three kids laughing together. You never know how children will mix (whether through adoption or birth), but we have been blessed with three children who enjoy each other and who have a great time together. Sometimes as I work in the kitchen I can hear the giggles coming from upstairs, and although in the back of my mind I wonder just what they have cooked up now to entertain themselves, I can't help but feel extra blessed.

All Five of Us. Honestly, sometimes I want to videotape dinner time in our house. It is it's own comedy routine. I can't pinpoint the launching point, but inevitably we end up laughing. It's just a given. For a few weeks, Mark tried to keep some sense of order, but now he just joins in. While we still require good table manners, we cannot guarantee serious conversation.

Friends. Took the kids swimming at our friend's house the other day. Six children (not all mine!) in a pool with a trampoline nearby. LOTS of laughter. Last night two of my dearest mom friends and I went to dinner and a movie. My stomach actually HURTS from laughing. We are so thankful for these medicinal friendships in our lives!

Karate Friends. Karate is a lot of work for me. A LOT. But I love the adults I train with. I think my favorite comment this week came from one of the guys in the class. When our instructor was thinking out loud about what kicking drill he wanted to do with us, my classmate replied, "The one where you sit down."

Of course, not everything is sunshine and roses. We aren't always hopped up on laughing gas, and we have those "real" family moments like everyone else (and some not like everyone else). Even as I laugh, my heart remains heavy for friends and family going through painful and unjust times. I have had moments when the sorrow can feel overwhelming. But then somehow, with someone, I laugh.

And it is great medicine.

A Mindful

2011-06-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

I wish I was better about blogging these days. I know as we prepared for adoption, I would be so excited to read an update from a family newly home to hear and learn about the adjustments and joys of adoption. I wish I was a better resource for other adoptive families, but at this point I am just concentrating on being a better mom. Right now, that's the focus of my energy.

For those who want the post-adoption update, here it is. We are doing well! I would say we are through the initial getting-to-know you phase, and we are all feeling really comfortable with each other. The upside is...we are all feeling really comfortable with each other. The downside is...we are all feeling really comfortable with each other. :) The kids have each had their little disagreements, but they are quickly resolved and forgotten. Right now the three of them are playing MarioKart, and the sounds of laughter and cheering for each other melts my heart. I feel like they have all three transitioned to sibling-hood very well.

Last week Alina started horseback riding lessons! She has showed an interest in horses, and after riding at my Uncle's farm over Memorial Day she really seemed interested in lessons. We found a great place not far from home, and she is taking 5 introductory lessons. I was so proud of her as she went through her first lesson! It is a lot of language, and while her English is excellent, she doesn't have a huge technical "horse" vocabulary, but she didn't miss a beat. She said she enjoyed her lesson, although she has some sore leg muscles to show for it. Horse riding is hard work!

There are a few big things weighing on my mind, and added to the little everyday things - well, it feels like a mindful! First, we are getting ready to book our flights for our second court date in Latvia. I am so excited to go back - I can't tell you how in love with that country I am! It is beautiful with such resiliency and character. I am also excited because my mom is going with Alina and I! I am so thrilled to have her along (she and I always find fun when we get together), I am excited for the memories for Alina, and I am so thankful that someone else will get to see Latvia. We are knee deep in flight schedules, hotel bookings, and figuring out what we want to do with the limited time we are given.

I am also knee deep in all things home school. We are home schooling Alina for at least this first semester (we cannot enroll her yet because of her Visa status). I am really looking forward to it, but I am also overwhelmed by all the curriculum available and finding what will best meet her needs. I have spent hours online researching different curricula, and I can tell you just about everything about just about every kind out there...except which one(s) we will be using. I spent some time yesterday talking to some home school experts, and between that and helpful advice from friends who home school, I think we are getting close to deciding.

On top of all the logistical "to dos", my mind is occupied with thoughts of friends and family going through tough times. My heart is heavy for some folks close to me who are going through difficult and often unfair circumstances, and although we usually stay busy, they are never far from my mind and heart. I've definitely spent more time praying recently, so I guess that is the silver lining for me. And hopefully eventually for them.

Although my mind is overflowing, my heart is also. Alina has been such a blessing! I cannot imagine our family without her - not for a minute. She brings something so special to our home and lives, and I still can't find the words yet to express my thankfulness. Each night Mark has a moment when he says, "We have the best kids." Despite all that's on my mind, it doesn't take me but a second to agree.

Two Months, Three Children

2011-06-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

I almost cannot believe it, but two months ago today Mark and I met Alina! I remember how terrified and excited I was to meet her, and I remember the three of us starting to get to know each other in a hotel room in Latvia. Life in the Kimmel family has changed dramatically in the last two months, and we are finally starting to settle into our new normal. What a wild and wonderful adventure it has been (and will continue to be)!

It is so hard to know what to write on the blog when it comes to Alina. I feel like so much of what I want to say sounds fake or too cheesy for cyberspace, and I also realize that there are going to be more trying times ahead. But if I am being totally honest, having Alina in our lives has been...amazing. Wonderful. A joy. That isn't to say that it is always easy, but to be totally honest, it has been...well...mostly easy. Of course, there are a lot of adjustments, and adjustments take plenty of time, patience, and grace. And of course, patience and grace don't always (read "ever") come naturally to me. But the thing that has made this time of transition and adjustment mostly easy is that everyone is all in. Even though the road to finding each other has taken some difficult twist and turns, we are all willing to give 100% to becoming the best family of five we can be. Jude and Calvin love having a big sister, and while the "new" of this has worn off, the affection they feel for her hasn't. Mark and I have been humbled, blessed, and challenged to see how completely willing they have always been to love and embrace a sibling. It has made this transition so much better because of the hearts of these three great kids.

A friend who has done older child adoptions said that while there are some specific challenges to this type of adoption, the really neat part is that you get to experience the process of becoming a family together. While I loved the time I had with my boys as infants, and while I know I will sometimes mourn missing those days with Alina, I am so enjoying being on this journey together with her. We are able to talk and communicate about feelings and needs and joys because she is older. It is an adventure in every sense of the word.

Our first meeting in Latvia

Our beautiful girl!

Tomorrow Alina and I are going to a nearby horse stable to tour the facility and get information about riding lessons. I am not sure who is more excited - Alina to take riding lessons, or me getting to see her try something new and celebrate her victories with her! These moments are the blessing of being a mom.

At two months with three children I feel a bit more tired, at times slightly overwhelmed, but mostly overjoyed. I have no doubt that there will be more fatigue and greater challenges ahead. But I also believe there will be more joy. Way more joy.

Inner Peace...Inner Peace

2011-06-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

Last week I took the kids to go see Kung Fu Panda II in which Po learns to find his inner peace and channel that peace towards defeating a terrible enemy. Now, I am not sure if inner peace would help me with my martial arts skills (a body with about 15 years less living on it wouldn't hurt...), but finding some peace and quiet has been very valuable lately with stability of another kind.

We are all adjusting to the new normal, and while it mostly involves lots of laughter and joy, it almost always is accompanied by a lot of noise. Not only that, but there is a pervasive mental cacophony that is taxing for me as I try to gauge everyone's needs moment to moment, and must be downright exhausting to Alina as she works her way through two languages in her head! I am not complaining - truly this time of becoming a family of five with our amazing daughter is a blessing defying explanation, but...whew. A little moment of peace or silence would be lovely!

I took our dog for a walk tonight at dusk all by myself and while we walked, I just enjoyed the quiet. I slipped off my flip flops, took some deep breaths, and just listened to the sound of peace. No children squawking, no dog barking, no cicadas screaming. (I am looking forward to the next 12 years!) I heard water from the fountain splashing into the pond, birds singing their evening song, and the wind gently turning the leaves. I only walked for about fifteen minutes (Marshall's not really a distance kind of dog...), but that little window of quiet - in my neighborhood and in my mind - was more refreshing than a day at a spa. I feel like my mind is running a mile a minute most of the time, but tonight I found some inner peace and quiet where I could listen to the world and to God's gentle stirring.

If fifteen minutes of walking the dog alone in the evening can do this, Marshall just might lose the weight the vet keeps harping about.

How It Happened.

2011-05-31T21:13:00.000-07:00

I realized this weekend when talking to some people that we really haven't shared how our adoption of Alina happened. Most everyone knew we had just been through a failed adoption in the fall, but very few people knew about Alina until we brought her home. We did that on purpose, but the downside is that many people don't know about the amazing journey God took us on. So I wanted to share a little bit of how it happened.

To recap, we returned home from Latvia in November after a failed adoption. It was a complicated, emotionally devastating mess, and it took us awhile to time begin to sort through our emotions to realize that we still felt God was calling us to adopt. It made no sense to us at the time as Mark and I shared that similar realization with each other, but we sent a message to some adoption folks that someday we thought we might consider trying another adoption. A few casual situations were tossed about, but nothing that made Mark and I feel in unison and at peace. I have been known to substitute my own judgment for God's in the past, but Mark and I both knew very clearly that we were not in a place to go. Finally, we sat down and poured our hearts out to each other and both came to a decision of peace. We decided to update our home study in the summer and maybe early next year start thinking about beginning the journey again. While sometimes Mark and I arrive at the same point via different routes and timing, we both solidly agreed immediately with this plan. I finally began to stop the wondering "why" or the "what's next" and was able to start healing.

In mid February my Grandma Ruth got sick. She was 95 and always seemed to struggle with some illness that gave us all a scare each winter, but something concerned me this time around, and when my mom also expressed concern about her recovery I jumped in the car and drove 12 hours to be with her and my family at the hospital when she passed away. Honestly, I couldn't believe God would break my heart again so soon after our failed adoption of I. but I am learning that God's timing really is perfect. It is not easy, it is not convenient, but it is solidly rooted in His infinite wisdom. That evening as I returned to my parent's house with my mom and dad, I checked my email and there was a message from an adoption contact, "I have a girl for you". She gave us a name and a few basic details, and I immediately knew which girl she was talking about. This girl had been hosting through NHFC, and I could see some of her pictures in my mind. Shortly after that I was talking with Mark on the phone and I said, "I got an interesting email, I'll forward it to you, and call me when you are done reading it." I didn't hear anything from him for awhile, but when he called back he told me he thought this was something we should talk about when I got home. I was shocked at his response, but as I look back now it is almost like God put the "yes" in our hearts from the first moment we heard about Alina, and we spent the rest of the time waiting to hear a "no" that wasn't coming. I told my mom and dad about the email and also a cousin, emailed back a few basic questions Mark and I had, but didn't give it too much more thought as we dealt with the terrible loss of my Gram.

When I returned home almost a week later, Mark and I realized we were both somehow seriously considering this. Believe me when I say, for Mark and to be on the same page at the same time like we were is nothing short of a miraculous work of God! We got serious about learning what we could, and when an official referral showed up in my inbox, we prayed...waited...prayed...talked...prayed...waited... and waited some more. But however long we talked or prayed, we finally realized it was going to be a "yes", no matter how long we waited for a "no".

We intentionally chose not to tell many people about our decision to pursue another adoption, and some of the people we shared with were not terribly supportive. In hindsight, I am almost glad because it challenged me to remain committed to what I knew and not believe what I was told. People expressed several concerns - they didn't want to see us get hurt again, it was too soon for me to have dealt with the loss of my Gram, it wasn't fair to the boys to put them through the possibility of another failed adoption, etc. etc. All were valid concerns, but even as we took time privately to think about these concerns, there was just never a moment of "uh oh". Somehow we had peace. (And that had to be a God thing if you read back through my blog!) The boys were not even remotely hesitant even though they were so hurt when everything fell apart the first time around. God has given our boys really special hearts, and I am continually challenged and amazed at how easily and fully they commit to loving others.

So many things about our adoption of Alina were healing and miraculous for me. God healed things in my heart that I didn't even realize at the time were broken. The minute we landed in Riga, I was overwhelmed with such a love for that country. I love Latvia. Our experience with Alina's foster family was a blessing I could never have even thought to hope for. They are like family to us, and I can say that we love them dearly and deeply. And Alina... Have I mentioned recently she is such a joy?!?! I honestly thought I was going to throw up while we waited in the hotel lobby to meet her before court, but that nervousness and nausea pales in comparison to the love and joy I feel for her now.

One of the things Mark and I did struggle with was thinking of an "American" name for Alina. Any time we tried to think of something we liked, we kept saying to each other that we liked the name Alina better. We went with no idea what we would suggest if she wanted to change her name, and we expressed this to our wonderful lawyer on the drive to Alina's city. I shared that we had heard about Alina on the day my Grandma Ruth died, but I also knew that they don't use the "th" sound in Latvian and I didn't want Alina to struggle to pronounce her own name. Daina pointed out that they have a Latvian version of the name Ruth - Ruta. I loved it immediately. As we sat and talked with Alina and her foster family before court the first day, her foster mom shared that Alina didn't really want to have to change her name. We were SO happy and Daina laughed and explained that we didn't like any other names as much as Alina anyway! She then went on to explain about my Grandma Ruth and how we liked "Ruta" for a middle name, and Alina loved it. Alina Ruta Kimmel. Beautiful.

There were a million little moments when I knew that God was lavishing me with His endless love, healing, and blessing through our journey to our daughter, and it is my deepest prayer that He will do the same for Alina now. I always think of the verse in the Bible where it says God can do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, and I think He was out to show me that truth over and over again until every part of my heart was simply forced to proclaim it. Our journey to Alina has not only changed our family, but it has changed my relationship with the Lord in ways that are equally life changing. I know that we will have ups and downs as we continue together, but the way that this journey unfolded has given me a deeper strength and commitment to celebrate the ups and face the downs in faith.

Week 3...Or Is It 4????

2011-05-31T20:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah, world's worst blogger...I know, I know. But I have the world's cutest excuse. :)

How are we? Hmmmm... In some ways it is an easy question to answer, and in other ways it is a tricky question to answer. Overall, we are really, really good. We are amazed everyday at how well Alina is doing - linguistically, emotionally, physically. She is such a joy, which is a phrase I hear myself repeating over and over again. But it is true. She really is a joy. I thoroughly enjoy being with her, and it is as great a blessing to me to watch her relationships with Mark and the boys. This new journey as a family of five is a marathon, not a sprint but I think we've started strong out of the gate. Each day there is another small moment of progress relationally and emotionally. Little things that other families take for granted can be giant milestones for us. The tricky part of answering the "how are we" question comes when people who aren't very familiar with older child adoption/international adoption ask. Is it going well? Oh, my yes. Do we have difficult moments? Yes, sometimes we do. Nothing unexpected and so far everything is very appropriate for the transition we are all going through. But I feel this "pressure" to deliver the rainbows and unicorns spiel to the people who want the "happily ever after" now. I don't doubt the existence of the older child adoption happily ever after...I am just realistic enough to know it is probably further down the road. It is hard to know which answer people want to hear, and it is hard to know who, as Jack Nickelson once famously said, can't handle the truth. So the easy and honest answer is, we are really, really good.

We have spent the last two weekends traveling! I am not a huge fan of that much time away from home, so I could only imagine how difficult it would be for Alina, but she handled everything amazingly well! First, we went to a family wedding in Baltimore. It was a blast! We had such a wonderful time, and Alina got to meet her "Pa Ken" (Mark's dad) and most of the folks on his side of the family. It brings her such joy to have "her" extended family. We spent an evening at Camden Yards and a little time sightseeing one morning, and Baltimore was great! Definitely a place for a long family weekend someday in the future. This past weekend was the now annual family reunion with my mother's side of the family. After 24 hours of driving the previous weekend, we were on the fence about going at all, but at the last minute we packed the car up again and headed up to Pennsylvania. It was wonderful. Alina got to meet her aunts, uncles, and cousins, as well as meeting my aunts, uncles, and cousins, who I still share a very close bond with. It was such a blessed weekend, although slightly bittersweet because it was the first year without Gram there. While everyone had a terrific time, we all noticed the void. My mom was kind enough to ride out with me to the cemetery to see Gram's grave (which I was not necessarily ready to do, but when you live 12 hours away you have to go when you can and not when you're ready...), and Alina wanted to ride along. She is named after my Grandma Ruth, and it was a surreal moment for me to see my new daughter standing next to my absolutely adored Gram's grave. I keep hearing the verse from the Bible "You give and take away" whispered in my heart in those moments. Alina has been very curious about Grandma Ruth since she is named after her, and it was fun to answer her questions. ("Was she pretty?" "Did she like children?")

Today was the last day of school for the boys so we are officially on summer vacation! We are starting summer break with a bit of a whimper - both boys are sick and missed school today, but I am hoping for a more calm, slightly routined summer! We will continue to work on English and "school" with all three children, but we are also planning lots of FUN. Swimming, hiking, trips to the library, the dollar movies, time with friends. It will be great for all of us.

Here are a few pictures from our last few weeks!

Alina Ruta and Abigail Ruth

Horseback riding at Uncle Jim's

I love this picture!

Our family at the wedding

Outside Camden Yards

Popcorn and baseball!

Week Two Update

2011-05-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a little over two weeks since we arrived home with our new daughter, and I know many people are wondering how it is going. The short answer is...it is going very, very well. Alina is doing so well with such a huge life change - I am in awe of her strength. She has had just a few brief moments of homesickness, but she gives her total heart and energy to learning to live this new life with us, and for her commitment we are beyond thankful.

Alina is a joy! She has her moments as the boys do, but she is still just a joy. Jude and Calvin simply adore her - they like having a big sister, and she is usually really great with them. One of the smallest but sweetest blessings of this whole journey is when I hear the three of them laughing together. The boys are starting to need a little more reassurance and one on one time...it is a big life change for them as well, but they wouldn't trade Alina for anything. They have loved her from the first moment they hugged her at the airport, and I fear for the future boyfriends who may try to date her someday.

I am learning the value of presence. Alina and the boys don't always need my attention, but they all benefit from my presence. They each seem to gain reassurance and peace from just being near Mark and I. Quality time is important, but I am learning how valuable quantity time is too. Moments of meaning happen in the strangest circumstances and in the most unexpected times, and sometimes all I have to do is show up. It takes hard work and a great deal of faith to make it through this adoption journey, but right now I realize sometimes I just have to be there.

As for the practical aspects of life these days, some things have changed and there are adjustments. Probably the most obvious change in our daily routine is that we now have a child who goes to bed later! Mark and I were used to spending a few hours together after the boys went to bed, but Alina goes to bed just about an hour before we do. I don't think either of us realized how much we used that time to decompress. I laughed the other day at the grocery store when I had to circle back to buy a second pack of pork chops because the store sells them in four packs! :) And then there is the mystery of living with a girl! Mark spent some time the other night playing Barbies (for the first time in his life!), and he was mystified by the experience. He asked me later, "What exactly is the point of that?" All I could think was now he understands how confused I've been all these years by robots, Star Wars, and superheroes! Alina is a girly girl, and while I have never sat around wishing I had a daughter as some women do, I have really enjoyed doing hair, painting nails, and even a shopping trip now and again! I thoroughly enjoy her company, and I find myself loving having a daughter as much as I have loved having sons!

She has been teaching me some more Latvian! I would love more than anything to become fluent in Latvian, and while I am still a long (loooooong) way from achieving that goal, she is a great teacher with lots of patience! She is doing GREAT with her "schoolwork" we are doing at home. We bought some Phonics and Reading and Math books, and she has absolutely blown me away with what she already knows. She works very hard, and is making so much progress with her language. Today we went to a museum exhibit about King Tut's tomb and ancient Egypt, which gave us a chance to work on some words (and motions!) outside of the realm of daily life. We've made potato pancakes and cold beet soup together. I love learning more about life in Latvia, and she is a great teacher and loves sharing what she knows.

I am tired! :) It is interesting to me how perfectly "normal" our life probably seems from the outside looking in, but right now we all are sort of operating on a wavelength that requires much more continuous energy. It is hard to explain... Many of the little things we take for granted in a "normal" family are just different right now for us. Little things like developing a morning routine that works well for three kids who share a bathroom, making sure Alina understands what the day holds so she isn't constantly wondering what's next, balancing cultural differences with that all too human desire to "fit in" with your surroundings, knowing what to share and with whom, constantly gauging what she may be needing (a hug, a snack, a smile, some quiet time) as well as reading the boys cues on those same things, planning meals that five different people will all eat, building and maintaining connections between each of us, trying not to neglect anyone (including the dog!), and well... it can be tiring! Life as a mom never ever comes with a "well rested" guarantee, but I am definitely finding this new phase requires more of me physically, emotionally, and spiritually than life pre-adoption did. I know we will find our groove, and while it can be exhausting at times, it has always been a joy. I would not for a minute have our life any other way.

Of course, I know most everyone comes to the blog for pictures, so I will be sure to post some of those now too! I hope to find a few quiet moments in the next few days to share the abbreviated version of how God brought Alina into our family, but for now I need to get moving!

Home A Week

2011-05-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

We've been a family of five for a week now - wow! In some ways it seems like Alina has been with us for forever, and at other moments I can hardly believe we aren't in Latvia anymore! It has been a wonderful week spent getting to know each other better and better each day through all kinds of interactions. Each moment is precious...and I pray I can live the rest of my parenting moments this intentionally!

The boys are LOVING their sister! God has really given Jude and Calvin special hearts for adoption. After our failed adoption, their hearts were broken, but when we vaguely brought up the idea of trying again sometime, both boys said, "Yes!" And they meant it. Having us gone for 17 days was a huge sacrifice for them, and it wasn't easy, but when it was time to get their input on the decision to adopt, they both told us to go get their sister. I have been so blessed to hear the three of them giggling in Alina's room playing a modified version of Barbies. When we go for a walk, Jude and Calvin always hold her hand. I know the new will wear off at some point, but I can already see how God is knitting their hearts together as siblings.

As for me, I am doing well. I have had a lot more trouble with jetlag than I thought I would! When 4:00 PM would roll around last week, I hit a wall and it was difficult to drag myself through the rest of the evening, which included making dinner, overseeing homework, running to karate, and bedtimes. By the time the last child's head hit the pillow, mine immediately followed! But each day it gets a little better, and I am starting to feel more comfortable and energetic in our new routine.

It can't believe I am saying this, but it is very different having a daughter! Alina is somewhat of a girly girl, and I have spent the last 9 years in a world of overwhelming testosterone, so having Alina has reminded me of that girly girl hidden in me! We had a fun time one night going through my shoes (which is a much smaller collection than it was pre-kids, but still slightly impressive). Alina wanted her ears pierced, so we did that one day last week. I'm certain I as far more nervous than she was!

We are doing a light version of homeschool, and that has been fine. We are taking it nice and slow with a few workbooks and a trip to the library for books to read. She is doing so well with her English, but I can tell she struggles to find the Latvian word for something, and I think it is disconcerting to her that she forgets Latvian words sometimes. My heart's desire is to get Rosetta Stone for Latvian so I can become close to fluent in it, but at several hundred dollars, it is on hold for now. She is doing well with homesickness, and she is good to come to us for extra love if she is feeling a bit blue. No tears or outbursts, but I can only imagine how this transition is for her. I am so proud of her strength, and I am honored to be this precious girl's mother.

I will blog some more soon about our path to Alina, but for now we are just enjoying her. She is a gift from God that is above and beyond what we could have asked or imagined. We are filled with thankfulness and gratitude and joy!

Announcing...

2011-05-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a long, drawn out silence here for far too long. But this time I have a really, really good reason.

It's a long story, and one of these days I will try to tell it as thoroughly as possible.

But here's the short version.

We've adopted a daughter!

(Take a minute of you need to.)

Her name is Alina Ruta, and she is a gift straight from the hand of God Himself. She is 13 years old, from Latvia, and a joy and delight to her new family. I promise to blog much more about how this came about, the trip, and life as a new family of five.

But here's what you really want to see:

Random Post

2011-03-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

It's been quiet here, I know. So sorry - like I said in a previous post there is a lot going on "behind the scenes" here, and all of that has taken a lot of my emotional, spiritual, and even physical energy. I have come to the blog most every night meaning to post, but I always find myself too exhausted for words. It isn't that everything is doom and gloom, but there are great joys mixed with great sorrows and stresses right now. Riding the emotional roller coaster is tiring.

To get back in the groove, I decided to do another "Random Post". Here we go!

The Cheapest Therapy. (See above paragraph for necessity of said cheapest therapy.) I just invested what has to be about the best $25.00 of therapy...and it is good for a year! There is a little church about 10 minutes from our house that has a gym with a walking track above it, and for an annual fee of $25.00 I can go and walk anytime I want! Now, you might think that it is strange for someone who lives in the south to look for an indoor walking facility, but you have to remember that my internal thermostat has adjusted to life below the Mason-Dixon line, and if it is below 60, I am generally cold outside anymore. In the heat of the summer when it reaches a smothering 95 degrees, it is nearly unbearable to be outside then either. For $25.00 I can go to the gym and walk away the stress with a good friend of mine who has also wisely invested $25.00 in her personal sanity. Over spring break, I took the boys along one morning and they shot hoops while I walked laps and gave/received "counseling" from my walking partner. It's been a great way to keep my body moving on non-karate days.

Sometimes I Get So Tickled. Do you ever think of something that ends up making you giggle all day long? This just happened last night and has carried over into today. It isn't even that it is particularly hilarious (I started referring to my sister's new Prius as her "Hover Round"...I know...you probably aren't even laughing...she sure isn't...), but sometimes once I start laughing about something I end up tickled about it for days. And I am really, really blessed to have some friends who get about as tickled as I do. I realize that this means my friends are either really hilarious, or we are all pretty lame. Either way, I'm laughing. And that counts for a lot.

My Gram's Hands. The loss of my Gram has created a hole in the universe that doesn't seem to be shrinking. Not a day goes by that I don't ache physically when I think of her, and I still get weepy over the smallest little things. Like today. I was in Cracker Barrel waiting for a friend, and I saw this older woman facing away from me, and her stature reminded me instantly of Grandma Ruth. It took my breath away. And then I look down at this woman's hands, and tears welled up in my eyes. This woman had hands like my Grandma. And I had that moment of realization that I will never be able to hold my Gram's hands again. When we were with her in the hospital as she passed away, I held her hand for awhile. She had beautiful hands. I know that sounds weird, but those were the hands that hugged me. One of the things I wanted of my Gram's after she died was the knitting project she was working on. It is an unfinished lap robe, and what I love most about it is that it is one of the last things her hands touched before she went to the hospital. I miss my Gram's hands.

Sometimes the Greatest Help. Having been through an emotionally and spiritually difficult nearly 6 months has taught me a lot. I realized the other day that one of the greatest lessons I've learned is how to most effectively help people going through their own difficult times. Sometimes the greatest help you can give another person is just to hurt with them. We live in a society that reinforces this (false) idea that all problems can be fixed and that action is always better than stillness. Believe me, I have learned otherwise. I am not bitter or jaded - it is a realization that has brought me a fair amount of freedom and understanding I didn't have before. The next time someone you know is going through the valley of the shadow, you may minister most effectively by just hurting with them. It isn't a cop out, and it most certainly isn't easy. In fact, it can be the hardest ministry you can offer. Writing a check or plotting a course of action is merely a diversion if your heart isn't broken for those in pain. Allow yourself to be wounded with those who are hurting. Shared tears are the healing kind.

Great Movie. I spent this weekend with my dear friend, Ang for our 4th Annual Ann and Ang vacation. We shopped a little, slept a very little, and ate a lot! (We found a pie store. That's all I need to say about that.) We also went and saw the movie, "The Lincoln Lawyer". It was a great movie if you like courtroom thrillers - we both give it two thumbs up! It doesn't crack my top 10 as far as movies go, but it was still well worth the price of admission. (Although I have to say, some day I wish the hero in one of these movies would be anyone other than an iron livered, over drinking, slightly crooked, somewhat questionable character with a wooing, magnetic smile. Can't there be a decent looking, upright, fun-without-tequilla guy who believes in courtship instead of casual sex with his ex? Just a thought.)

I will try...try...to do some more blogging in the coming days. It may be hit or miss, but I will be back no matter how long the silence!

A Few New Family Pictures

2011-03-19T18:56:00.000-07:00

So Much Is Happening...

2011-03-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

...and I have no words.

We have had a lot going on in our family's life over the last month, and although I have many, many thoughts and feelings about most all of these events, I need to keep them to myself for now. I don't mean to be so quiet on here, it is just that the things occupying my mind and heart need to be private. I'm not trying to build suspense, but eventually I will share what I can. Now just isn't the right time.

Meanwhile life goes on as "normal" here. The boys and I are thoroughly enjoying karate (as well as "Just Dance" on the Wii!), and Mark got in a fun paintball weekend recently. The boys are on spring break for two weeks, but I think we are going to hang out here at home and do some fun things locally. Having just traveled to PA, I am not quite ready to jump in the car again yet. But...in 8 days I will be jumping in the car heading off to the 4th Annual Ann and Ang vacation! We had originally planned to take Chicago by storm later this fall, but we decided to scale back this year and spend a nice weekend together in Lousville this month. She and I have both had lots going on in our lives, so we are looking forward to laying around, chatting, and perhaps a bit of shoe shopping! The Ann and Ang trips are always super wonderful and renewing. I can't wait!

While it is quiet here on the blog, life goes on in the home. I'm sure I will come up with something exciting to say very soon - stay tuned! (Both of you...)

Because I Refuse to Take Myself Too Seriously...

2011-03-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

A.k.a. - "What Ann Does With Compounded Stress on a Non-Karate Day".

Feel free to enjoy at my expense. I don't mind. Just remember, the next time you decide to play "Just Dance" against a 9 year old, someone might be recording you as well.

(And, for the record...it was so much fun I went out and bought the game for myself!)

My Bladder's Behind My Eyes

2011-03-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

I was talking to my mom tonight (who currently also suffers from this ailment...perhaps it is genetic...), and she told me a story about when she was a little girl and had to get her appendix out. My Grandma Ruth carried her to the back door to say good-bye to her brothers and her father before heading up to the hospital for surgery. My grandmother kept a stiff upper lip, because, as she years later recounted to my mom, "Your father's bladder was behind his eyes!" Apparently, he cried a lot.

That is about as perfect a summary as I can imagine for how I am feeling tonight. Overall, we are doing well. We have shaken the Dooby Dooby Flu (at least I think we have - I'm feeling a little achy and feverish, but we're keeping our fingers crossed and our minds in denial), we are slowly getting back into the comfort of a routine, and there are several blessings right around the corner to celebrate. But, I have to admit, it has been a long winter. It has been one trial after another. My bladder's been behind my eyes. I will be doing fine, cruising along, and then suddenly the most minute thing will trigger an emotional pain so uncomfortable I swear it is physical.

I had some great news I wanted to share with my Gram. She would have loved this news. I don't know why I feel the need to mourn so much because I can hear exactly how the conversation would go if I could call her up and tell her now. I can recall immediately the sound of her voice, and I know what wise advice she would give me. But I still wish we could share that moment. I ache to have that conversation with her.

I am still working on B90X (reading through the Bible in 90 days, but I am clearly on the modified version of the program seeing as I am only in Psalms...), and today I read the verse, "Weeping may last for a night, but dancing will come in the morning." I know this is true. I can already see the beginning of the dawn breaking. I have great hope, and I know each day will bring a bit more light.

But tonight, my bladder's behind my eyes.

A Heart of Blessing

2011-03-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

I am the queen of creative, intentional parenting ideas...it is just my execution of said ideas that is absolutely abysmal. There are so many big and small activities and experiences I want to give to my boys to affirm and encourage them, and yet I seem so weighed down instead by piles of laundry, school fundraisers, and making the next appointment on time. The immediate too often takes precedence over the intentional, and this is perhaps my greatest struggle as a mom. (Today. You never know what will come up tomorrow.)

For Valentines Day I wanted to do something special for the boys to let them know we love them, so of course, we went for the sure thing - a Walmart gift card. (There are maybe one or two Lego sets we don't already own.) To make the gift card feel a little more "lovey", I bought two cardboard heart shared boxes with the word "Love" on the outside. And then I decided to buckle down and give life to one of my good intentions. Mark and I spent the evening of February 13th writing some things we love about each of the boys on heart shaped paper and filled the boxes with personalized messages. The paper was hastily cut, the hearts a little lopsided, but the sentiments were genuine. It was actually fun to write down what we love about Jude and Cal, and the little bit of extra effort felt good.

The next morning when the thrill of the gift card had been expressed, the boys were a little puzzled about all those pieces of paper in their boxes. We explained that Mark and I had each written five things we loved about them, and we read just one that morning. I knew going in that this had the potential to be a corny disaster, but - can I tell you - the boys LOVED it! Every so often since Valentines Day they will bring out their heart boxes to us and ask for another heart to be read. We have been through them all at least once, but it still blesses the boys to hear us read out loud something we love about them. It has been amazing to Mark and I to see how much those little heart shaped papers have come to mean to the boys.

I wish I could say that I have completely changed my focus and I spend most of my time blessing the boys with love intentionally dispersed. But the laundry piles multiply when I'm not looking, the school continues to be broke, and the appointments are looming on the calendar. Yet I have changed one thing for good - any time the boys ask to hear another "heart message", I stop what I am doing to read it to them.

It's a good start.

Grandma Ruth

2011-02-28T19:14:00.000-08:00

I have blogged about a million times in my mind over the last few days, but it hasn't been easy to find the time and the emotional energy to really give voice to my heartache. This probably won't be eloquent, but I just want to get out on "paper" some of my thoughts about my wonderful Grandma Ruth.

I know it probably sounds strange to say that her death was unexpected seeing as she was 95, but for all of us who knew and loved her, it was very unexpected. I knew she was sick and in the hospital, but she was one of the strongest people I had ever known, and every time she had gotten very sick in the past, my Gram found a way to will herself back to health. I found out on Friday morning that she really wasn't improving like the doctor wanted her to, but even after I decided to head up to PA to be with her, I still didn't believe that she would actually pass away. Most every conversation I have had with my Gram in the last few years always involved me threatening her if she ever dared to die. She would always laugh and remind me that sometime she would, but it probably wouldn't be any time soon. A world without my Grandma Ruth seemed inconceivable - so much so that Mark learned to preface any reference to such an event as "if Grandma Ruth dies...". Using the word "when" offended my very sensibilities.

I was able to spend time with my Gram before she passed away, and was able to sit near her when she took her last breath. When the inevitability of her passing finally registered, my only prayer was that God would honor such an amazing woman with a passing that was worthy of her amazing life. He answered that prayer - she died peacefully surrounded (literally surrounded) by just some of the family who knew and loved her. We were all heartbroken in that room, and continue to be. Being loved by my Gram was an astounding blessing, and an inheritance I wouldn't trade for any amount of money. She was a rock, the matriarch of the family, a joy, a cheerleader, tough and strong, and funny. She left 12 grandchildren and 29 great-grandchildren, and every one of us would swear we were her favorite (pity the others who are still walking in false hope...). She loved that well.

At the funeral many people commented on her age, but the thing about Gram that was most remarkable was not the quantity of her years, but the quality. She walked through some very, very dark times but always maintained her faith in God and her love for her family. She didn't find a cure for cancer or resolve any looming world crises, but she loved her family with a life changing love. I don't know that there was ever anyone who met my Gram who didn't like her. Of course, I wouldn't want you to confuse her likability with anything resembling timidity - oh no. Gram told it like she saw it. She was the queen of speaking the truth in love. But always, always with truth came love.

When I read her obituary in the paper, I couldn't help but feel sorry for those who would read it and just think, "Wow. A 95 year old." Nothing you can print in black and white will ever do justice to what my Grandma really did in those 95 years. Nothing I can say here can convey how all my cousins and their children felt saying good-bye to our beautiful Grandma Ruth. Yes, she is certainly in a better place seeing clearly and reunited with my grandfather, but oh...there is a hole that nothing will ever fill until we see her again. She was the very definition of "beautiful", and the world isn't quite as lovely now that she is gone.

Coming back home was good for me in the sense that there is comfort in routine and also because I learned that I could stand by her casket all day and all night for months and still have sorrow in my heart for the loss. I know life goes on (and I can totally hear my Gram's voice chastising me, "Oh for heaven's sake! Get on with it!"), but life will never be the same. The Bible tells us that the Lord gives and takes away, and last week He took one of the most precious people in my life. I know what He gave me through her has forever changed my heart and life, and I know there is an immeasurable blessing. I was loved by a great woman. And she was loved by many.

A Rough Six Days

2011-02-24T15:20:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the lapse in posting, but I have just been through some of the most difficult days of my life. You see, my beautiful Grandma Ruth died last Saturday. I was able to be with her when she passed away and with my wild, crazy, wonderful extended family as we grieved and celebrated. It has just been...a lot.

I am sure in the coming days I will have lots to post about my Gram, but for now my heart is too sore for words. I can see God is teaching me gently through the trials of the last few months, but for right now I need to just rest in His arms.

I'll be back soon. I promise.

Please Pray for These Sweet Friends

2011-02-16T19:45:00.000-08:00

Along the journey of our hosting experience and failed adoption we have "met" some really fantastic families from all over the U.S. Even though I haven't spent face to face time with these folks, I have shared my hopes and heartaches via email and Facebook with some of these ladies, and they have become a sacred and special community. When our adoption fell through, one of my very first emails was to one of these ladies who had also recently walked a difficult road with adoption.

Tonight my heart is with this friend and her husband as they anticipate meeting their new daughter tomorrow in Latvia!

Adoption is an amazing, scary, miraculous, and life changing experience, no matter how it turns out in the end. As I think of my friend, I remember the nerves, excitement, jet lag, and sleeplessness during our trip. I pray that God would prepare their hearts, oversee their paperwork, and bind this young girl into their family securely and joyfully. I pray that they would treasure each moment, big and small, with their new daughter. I pray that He would show up and fill any language or cultural distance. I pray His blessing on this special family.

Please join me in praying for the Friend family (really - that's their name!) over the next few weeks as they finally get to hug, hold, and love on the daughter of their hearts. And also please remember their precious children waiting here at home to be reunited with their parents and their new sister.

Dooby Dooby Flu...Take 2

2011-02-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

It's been a wild and crazy few days here. Calvin woke up Saturday with a sore throat and cough. As a preemptive strike we went to the pediatrician's office, only to find out he had a cold and some post nasal drip. Whew.

Then he woke up Sunday morning with a really, really bad cough. I took him to the local Minute Clinic, but the moment the nurse practitioner heard his cough she sent us to the emergency room for a chest X-ray.

At the Emergency Room, the nurse in triage told me he probably had a virus, and the doctor agreed saying there was no reason to do a chest X-ray especially when he wasn't running a fever. They swabbed him for the flu, but it came back negative. We were sent home with the infamous "virus" diagnosis.

Sunday night Calvin spent all night coughing so hard he threw up about every 20 minutes. By the time I got him in to see our pediatrician (we saw a different one on Saturday) he fever was 103.4 and he was pasty white. After blood work, monitoring his oxygen sats, and yet another flu swab later - Calvin was properly diagnosed with Influenza Strain A. (Apparently the flu tests don't register positive until after a fever.) Didn't he already have Influenza Strain A, you ask? Nope. He already had Strain B. Lovely. As Calvin whispered so elequently in the car on the way to the hospital for a (wait for it...wait for it...) chest X-ray, "I sure hope there isn't a Flu Strain Z. I don't want to get all those in between!"

Preach it, child.

We went back to see our pediatrician this morning so she could look at him again. Fortunately the chest X-ray was clear - no pneumonia - and his fever is down some and his energy level is up some. Miss Chris (World's Best Pediatric Nurse EVER) had figured we would be admitting him to the hospital this morning, but felt he was improved enough to come on back home. If his temperature spikes up again, if he starts coughing and throwing up again, or if he gets lethargic again we will head back to see her today, which will probably result in a day or two at the hospital. We're really hoping he continues to improve!

In the meantime, I can hardly look at the "Dooby Dooby Moo" book. It just reminds me that, once again, we have the Dooby Dooby Flu...Take 2.

Happy Valentines Day!

2011-02-14T06:22:00.000-08:00

I am not a huge fan of Valentines Day, the "meh" of which goes back as far as high school. The high school speech class would sell carnations as a fundraiser (red meant "I love you", pink meant "I'm glad we're friends", and white meant "I'd like to get to know you better" - how sad that I still remember that!) and even though I never went a year without several carnations, the whole scenario rubbed me the wrong way. For one thing, it became a floral popularity contest. For another, there was always someone who didn't get any (although the home room teachers would often buy a "friend" carnation for the kid no one else thought of). I also hated it because I hate selling anything, let alone a person's high school "worth" in the form of a flower. And now I see just how sexist the whole premise is. As the mom of sons, I resent the thought of how much hard earned cash those insecure high school boys had to shell out to make some girl feel special.

(Gee, can you tell I hated this idea?)

Mark and I began dating in February, so you would think we really set a high standard for Valentines Day from the get go, but we didn't. And I am so glad. While I love flowers and chocolates and jewelry as much as the next gal, it loses some of its allure when forced by the date on a calendar. I'm not one of those "I hate Valentines Day because it is a Hallmark manufactured holiday" folks (although I agree with them), but the acts and words of love that mean the most to me are the ones that happen in the everyday. I love that Mark (who works from a home office now most days) spends his lunch break sitting at the kitchen table with me, eating lunch and playing rummy. I love that he will take a turn with a sick child in the middle of the night. I love that we laugh our heads off with so many inside jokes we are probably hard to be around. That's the good stuff.

But in the spirit of holiday cheer, I will still wish you all a Happy Valentines Day. And here is my advice for anyone still looking for their Valentine-for-life when it comes to finding that one, true love...

1. Be yourself. At first you'll try to be the best yourself you can be, but don't ever think a relationship will flourish if you do a personality switcharoo right after the wedding. Who you are is the right mate for someone very special.

2. Really think about that "for better or worse" line. You probably have an idea what their better looks like. What about their "worse"? How does he/she handle stress, disappointment, frustration? Mark and I just recently went through our worse (so far...heaven help us...), and I love him even more for the character he's shown through the worse than who he is in our better. (And he is a great guy in the better!)

3. You ARE NOT a spinster if you are 25 and unmarried. I come from an area where most people marry young. I was 26 when I married Mark, and let me tell you, looking back that was plenty young. (He was 22. Sure glad no one gave him this advice when we were dating!) Who I am at nearly 38 is in so many ways, very different than who I was at 25. (Thank the good Lord above for that fact.) I am, in fact, way cooler now. I was the last of my friends to get married, and at times I thought I had missed my window. Now when I watch episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress" I shudder at the brides who roll in at 20, 22, and even 24 years old seemingly totally self assured about how life will be. I have seen too much in my life and in the lives of my friends to believe for a second that the right wedding dress guarantees anything. Take your time. Don't settle. Don't try to make something fit. With a spouse or a dress.

4. Have realistic expectations. There is no knight in shining armor. If you see one, whack him with a stick. I am as in love with my husband as anyone (I mean as anyone is with their spouse. Not with my spouse. Otherwise...awkward...), and there are still times when I want to pull my hair out with frustration. Not trying to be a downer here, but dating is for dating and marriage is for marriage. And the marriage part is amazing! We aren't less romantic now, we love each other more effectively. It just looks different. Anyone you love will have days they are impatient, drive too fast/slow for your taste, and leave the toilet seat up. That is life. But life - plain old regular life - with the right person is an absolute joy!

Of course, I am only nearly 12 years into this marriage deal, and I am sure I will one day look back at this post and think of how naive I was! One of the greatest thing about getting older is that you generally get wiser. (The downside? The cool dagger tattoo you once got now looks more like a spatula...) I can't wait to grow older and wiser with my Valentine...even if we don't celebrate it on February 14th.

So Here Are My Answers...

2011-02-13T19:25:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much for answering my WWYD question...I think I'm going to make this a weekly event!

In case you were wondering here are my answers...

1. Probably do the fake diaper check myself and hope the other moms (or dads) take the hint. This is, however, much more difficult to pull off now that my children don't actually wear diapers themselves. Whatever. It may be awkward, but it gets the point across.

2. I would let loose with a tirade a mile long with several naughty words...in my head. Then I would go out later, pick it up myself, and wonder how I became so oppressed.

3. I would either fake fatigue and encourage him to watch it himself, sit with him and nod off during the movie, or comment on how bad the acting is until neither of us enjoyed ourselves.

4. I have been THAT person. We took some grief over the names of our boys (and length of names - each boy has two middle names), and I vowed that I would NEVER comment on someone else's baby name. NEVER. And I stick to that. NEVER. EVER. Name your child "Butthead". I will rave about it.

5. I would point out the things I did like about the dress. Seriously, there's always gotta be something nice to say...right? (Right???)

WWYD?

2011-02-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

I don't always get a ton of comments, but I am counting on some of you to do just that after this post!

This is my first "What Would You Do?" post. (And, seriously...I am asking what you would do. It only works if a few people answer...throw me a bone here, folks...)

What Would You Do...

1. If you were out in public (say for instance a "baby and me" type class), and you smelled a poopy diaper and it wasn't your child? Would you say something to the parent of the "offending" child?

2. If someone else's dog pooped on your lawn while you were watching?

(I swear, they won't all be about poop...)

3. If your husband wanted you to watch a movie with him that you have NO interest in seeing?

4. A friend named their newborn a name that is a whuppin' on the playground waiting to happen?

5. A friend asked you if she looks nice in her new dress...and she doesn't?

So...what would you do? You can answer WWYD for all five, or pick your favorite. I am just curious what people would do in these situations.

Thanks for playing!!!!

Sharing My Heart.

2011-02-10T09:28:00.000-08:00

When we went into hosting nearly two years ago, we were not thinking adoption. We had a heart for children and we had talked casually and theoretically about adoption, it wasn't a specific call for our family. (At all.) Our first hosting experience opened the door to the possibility. Our second hosting (I.) firmly planted adoption in our hearts. Of course, most of you know that our adoption fell through while we were in country, and when we returned home neither Mark nor I was sure where this idea of adoption would fit in our lives from here forward. I'll be honest - it still isn't totally clear, although we both feel God revealing more and more of a picture as time goes by. The concept of adoption has altered a lot of the life plans we had originally made. And while that is scary, I think I like it.

I was always a little leery of the folks in the adoption community who were almost aggressive about their passion for adoption. Although in our personal experience with other adoptive families we have found well educated, kind, and transparent parents, there have been a few adoption blogs that I have come across that speak borderline condemnation on families who don't adopt. I found those blogs to be uncomfortable to read, I think mostly because I am not convinced the basic premise is correct. Should every family adopt? I don't think so. Should every Christian family adopt? Gosh, even that one is a difficult one for me. Yes, the Bible commands (commands!) that we care for the widows and the orphans. Yes, we are all adopted heirs in the Kingdom as believers. But I think many in the Christian community oversimplify the meaning of the word "care". (And I find it strange that I am using the word "oversimplify" with regards to adoption!) There are many, many important ways to "care" for orphans besides adopting - and in some situations there are more helpful and loving ways to care for orphans. That is not the great escape clause that many adoption advocates think it is. It is true. Helping a family in poverty support their child is as loving an act as bringing that child to a new country and a new life. It's complicated.

We aren't an adoptive family now. Maybe one day that will change, but in the meanwhile I have a heart that has been drastically altered and I don't think my family or I will ever be able to go back. I am not sure what to do with that right now, but I wait and I pray and I try to find ways to care for orphans right where I'm at. If you are in that place, let me offer a few suggestions.

1. Pray. Yes, I know. It's Captain-Sunday-School-Answers to the rescue! Nothing annoys my husband more than people who say what they are supposed to say to sound spiritual. But, I swear, that isn't the case. God's heart is for the orphan, and we need to be a people on our face before Him petitioning for their freedom and rescue. It can be as simple as praying for orphans around the world each time you sit down to eat. Each time you are at a stop light, ask God to protect and guide children who live on the streets who need an example of His love and care. One of the most effective but easily dismissed ways we can and should be caring for orphans is to pray for them. That is not a Sunday School answer...that is Truth.

2. Find an orphan ministry. This is so much easier than you may think. Ask your pastor or missions director. Google it. There are search engines online that can connect you up with an orphanage or children's home in most all the countries in the world. Most of the time, the folks running these places are desperate for more aid, donations, and prayers. If you still aren't sure of where to start with this one, email me or leave me a comment. I can hook you up with some places in Eastern Europe. I'll get you in touch with our family dentist who goes twice a year all over the world to provide free dental care to children in need.

3. Go if you can. Just recently a church in our area took one of several missions trips to their sponsored orphanage in Haiti. One of my friends went on this trip, and something she shared with me blew me away. Many of the folks on her trip were medical professionals there to do health check ups and dental work, but there was also a number of folks who went just to love on these kids. They went to play, hug, laugh, rock, and take silly pictures of these children. It is total ministry. It is the hands and feet of Jesus. Everyone is automatically qualified. Go if you can.

4. Host a child. (You knew I was going to go there, didn't you?) We went into hosting because we had a heart for children, but didn't think adoption was a part of our plan. (Yeah, OK. I know you've heard this all before!) I am going to give it to you straight - hosting is not always easy. The children arrive overtired and often overwhelmed, they don't always speak English, and they don't necessarily know the natural rhythms of family life. I remember when we hosted the first time, Sintija sat down after one day and cried. She was homesick for familiar language, smells, food, and people. I panicked - we were so clearly in over our heads! But through a ton of prayer support (never underestimate the value of prayer warriors who regularly check their email!), we had some neat moments that I will never forget and never be the same for. It was hard work, but over a year later she sent us an email that said how she will cherish that time in her heart forever. She starts her messages out with "My dear mama", and I am blessed and humbled every time I read that. We continue to be in touch with her, and I love that girl! (Young woman now - she has grown up so much!) She is a daughter of my heart, just as I. will always be. Hosting can be hard. But, oh...it is the sweetest hard thing I've ever known! Please contact New Horizons for Children. I was terrified to call and get information the first time, but they are the nicest, coolest, most real folks ever. We love them, truly! They won't badger you, guilt you, or pressure you. They will share their ministry with you and answer any questions you have. They are the real deal.

5. Adopt. You know what prompted this post? I read this statistic today:

Each day 38,493 children age out of orphanages or government protection programs. Over 14 million this year, most with little or no skills to survive. More children age out in 1 WEEK than are adopted annually worldwide.

This about kills me. This summer our hosting friends were in Ukraine on the day that these children (CHILDREN - they were only 16 years old!) aged out. They walked down the street with a backpack and a duffel bag to a new life...somewhere. Most don't have stable family to go to. Many of the girls will be lured into prostitution to survive and many of the boys will turn to crime. This is what happens. It is not made up. It is not over exaggerated. That is the future reality for most older children with no family. Yes, some of these children may be unable to trust or operate in healthy family life, but oh my goodness! SO many could! The hosting program has opened my eyes to that. No. It isn't easy. I can't think of one person who has adopted who would say that it was always easy. What we have been through has been more painful than anything in our lives. Ever. But it doesn't change the fact that there are children who need and want a family.

6. Support those who adopt. I'm not just talking financially, although that is definitely a wise investment of your money! Support means "to bear or hold up; serve as a foundation for". Oh, do this! With your words, with your time, with your prayers! Once when we were discussing our adoption with someone, their first comment was, "I just read a book about a child who was adopted from overseas and she killed the family!" This is what NOT to do. Take an adoptive family a meal, send an adoptive parent an encouraging note, pray for them.

I don't want to be perceived as someone who beats everyone she encounters over the head with adoption this and adoption that. But, I do have to tell you, it matters. I don't ever want to be so consumed by advocating for adoption that I forget to help the widow in need or push my biological children aside or, heaven forbid, love the spiritual high I get from adoption more than I love the One who died to bring me into His family. But it really does matter, friends. And I just wanted to share my heart.

I Can Take It...Really I Can

2011-02-07T05:55:00.000-08:00

So last night was the Super Bowl. And my Steelers were playing. And it was Grandma Ruth's 95th birthday. And she loves the Steelers.

And they lost.

Usually a Steelers loss gives me a stomachache. I instantly get all those symptoms they have to list on a TV pharmaceutical ad. A loss brings on PMS no matter what time of the month it is.

But last night was different. The Steelers lost to a better team. And I can respect that.

If anyone else had been playing Green Bay, I would have been rooting for the Packers. Like the Steelers, they come from a rich-in-history franchise. They are a tough team - you can't play in December in Wisconsin and be prima donnas. Aaron Rodgers waited...and waited...for Brett Farve's career to end (as did we as fans for years after he left Green Bay) and when his time came, he was ready. You gotta respect that. Donald Driver - isn't he like 208 years old? But still getting it done.

Even though my blood runs black and gold, I have to give it up to the Packers. They are a great team who played a great game and earned a Super Bowl victory.

I can take it.

I'm just worried Grandma Ruth can't.

Blog Disclaimer

2011-02-02T19:47:00.000-08:00

I belong to a few different mom message boards, and as I was perusing one in particular I clicked on a woman's blog to see what her life was all about. Wow. I have to admit I was impressed. First of all, her blog looked downright fantastic. Gorgeous photographs she took herself on her property with her amazing camera. Blog posts about raising chickens and shrinking carbon footprints. Homeschooling. Living off the fat of the land. Deep, theological insights.

Instantly I disliked her.

OK, that isn't necessarily true. I am sure she is lovely, and her life sounded borderline Mary Poppins meets Mary the Mother of Jesus, but I immediately thought, "Am I supposed to be like this?" Because, let me tell you dear readers...I ain't. Chickens smell really bad, and most of the pictures I take don't make it onto the blog because inevitably one of my boys in in his underpants.

I hope that people who read my blog (both of you) can "see" that I do have a good life. I love the Lord and my family is a joy and delight to me. Being a wife, mother, and homemaker is extremely fulfilling to me most of the time. But I want to be really upfront with you too - neither I nor my life are perfect. Heck, just last week I stood and talked to a karate instructor and later realized I had lipstick on my teeth the whole time. Don't even get me started about the class I took wearing an all white uniform and not even remotely white underpants. (Perhaps I need to spend some time reflecting on this family and underpants...there seems to be a disturbing relationship between the two.)

One of the greatest things that has come with age is the total and complete acceptance that I am not perfect. Perfection isn't even a goal anymore. I can laugh at many of my imperfections, and I pray often about the other ones.

See? Less real just might be good...

I just want to be sure that I appear real here. As I reread some of my entries, I think I could even err on the side of being less real. I tend not to filter myself a ton here because, after all, it is my blog with my name on it (not to be confused, once again, with the Christian author who I continue NOT to be). I am not doubting the authenticity of the woman whose blog looked so beautiful. But I just want to be honest and say, it isn't that I don't strive to be inspiring and beautiful and profound on here. It's just that I've only gotten so far...for now.

B90X Update - Jan. 31

2011-01-31T18:05:00.000-08:00

(In case you are wondering, "B90X" is the name of a Bible reading program I am doing. The goal is to read through the entire Bible in 90 days.)

Due to the Dooby Dooby Flu and some other interruptions, I must first confess that I am already behind on my B90X. I am supposed to be mid way through 2 Chronicles, and here I am still working through 2 Samuel. I had a few days when I didn't pick up my Bible at all, and there were moments when I thought I would just give the whole thing up. I was discouraged about being so far behind! But I have to tell you, even through the more...um...dry...parts of Leviticus and Numbers, I was still learning so much. I couldn't give that up. So I am chugging along - behind schedule, mind you - but I am determined to see this through.

The main thing that I have seen reading the Bible through this way is that it is all about God. I know. I know. No deep theological revelation there, but when you take a Bible story from here and a Bible story from there, you tend to think of the Bible as a book about men. It seems almost people centered. (As in, "Isn't this person so amazing? He/she was a screw up, but he/she still had God show up in their life!") But it is all about God. Reading the stories of creation and Noah and Abraham and Moses and now David consecutively has helped me see that God is moving. Of course, I always knew this cognitively, but it is very, very cool to see that it is always God and His character that rises to the top as I read through His Word.

Right now I am chugging through the life of David. Probably one of my favorite parts in his life is when he finally brings the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem. The uncontrollable joy he expresses over this melts my heart. (Of course, his nagging, critical wife is a good reminder to me as well...)

David had him some jacked up family members! Incest, murder, a coup...whew. If you mixed Maury Povich and CNN, you would have a good picture of David's family life.

The friendship of David and Jonathan is a beautiful relationship. Although Jonathan should be heir to Israel's throne, he recognizes God's plan for David's kingship and is a faithful and loving friend. There is no jealousy or scheming. It reminds me of John the Baptist's heart. J the B had people asking him over and over if he was the Christ, and you would think after awhile the thought would start to grow...at least a little. But his response was, "A man can receive only what is given him from heaven." Jonathan seemed to get this too.

I'm going to keep working my way through the entire Bible. It may take me way longer than 90 days, but I have a feeling it will be worth it no matter how long I'm at it!

What a Day to Be a Southerner!

2011-01-29T14:52:00.000-08:00

We've had what I consider an unseasonably hard winter in TN this year. As a hardily grown northwestern Pennsylvanian, I had certain expectations of all climates south of the Mason-Dixon line. I want it warm. And sunny. A little snow on Christmas is OK as a rare treat, but I want to be able to walk the dog wearing just a sweatshirt (uh...the pants part should go without saying, but in this house, I'd better clarify - with pants) in January. I am willing to exchange the heat an humidity of August for the thrill of leaving my parents a message on their machine that it is in the mid 60s out while they are outside shoveling snow all winter. When it comes to climate, I am happy to be a southerner.

While New York and New England have had record breaking snowfall already this winter, Tennessee has been holding its own with weather record breaking. We had snow for Christmas (I heard it was the first time in 17 years we had a white Christmas), and a snow/ice storm that shut down schools for a week. At first I laughed at the folks who have lived here all their life - Come on! There's only two inches of snow! Where I come, from we Trick or Treat in worse! - but after slipping down the deck steps and chiseling my way through layers of ice on a windshield I realize that it is, in fact, quality and not just quantity that makes for a hard winter. I was beginning to lose faith in the weather folks and respect for Al Gore (giggle) this season. It's been snow, snow, (ice), snow.

But today...ah...today! Today is the day you move south for! It is sunny, mid 60s, not a cloud to be seen in the bright blue sky! I took the boys to the playground for over and hour and they ran around in their long sleeve T-shirts like the wild banshees they are. Marshall just longs to sit outside on the deck and sunbathe. And all I want to do is pick up the toys and trash strew about my back yard so it looks a little less Beverly Hillbillies for my neighbors who live behind me.

Sweet sunshine - we have missed you! Thanks for reminding me why I am happy to be a southerner! (mostly)

Get Thee Behind Me Satan...

2011-01-27T19:24:00.000-08:00

...and don't tell anyone my butt looks big!

This is a great quote from my dear, wise, and absolutely hilarious soul sista, Ang, but it perfectly sums up where I'm at right now. (Mostly the first part, but the second part should go without saying...)

In the last three days I have developed a much deeper hatred, yet appreciation for the cunningness of the Enemy. I was raised Lutheran, so I am genetically predisposed to shake off most of the "Boo! Satan!" stuff, but over the last few days I have to stop and give him props where props are due. But he better enjoy the fun while it lasts. Because he is going to have to stop. And I mean NOW.

Over the last few months, our faith has been tested beyond anything I could have imagine. (Let's face it - if I could have imagined it, I would have RUN!) I am not going to lie and tell you that God has replaced all the sadness and difficulties with sunshine and rainbows. But even in our rough, rough, and I do mean rough moments, God has been able to keep the fragile pieces from falling apart and shattering into dust. It may not sound like much to you, but those moments have been as close to holy as I've ever experienced. It has not been pretty. But it's been God's gentle hand cradling the bruised and battered remnants of my heart. He tenderly holds and heals.

So what has Satan done now that his initial attempt is being redeemed by the hands the cross couldn't hold? Something so mean, I didn't even see it coming.

He reminds me over and over again that I should be afraid.

He whispers that I am not healed yet...and may never really be.

He paralyzes me by pointing out I might get hurt again.

He asks me why I haven't learned my lesson.

The worst part is that it took me until tonight to recognize what's been going on. I was suddenly able to give words to this awful heaviness I have felt over the last few days. I could suddenly state the fears that were plaguing me. I gotta tell you, I was shocked at how good Satan has played me. While I don't know what God has in store for our family, I suddenly realized that standing still, going nowhere...ever again...is probably not it.

So tonight I am telling Satan to go away. Shut up. (Or "be hushed", as my mom would like me to say.) Get thee behind me Satan! (And my butt looks fine, thank you very much.)

What War Are You Willing to Fight?

2011-01-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

Tonight Mark and I watched a very raw, painful, honest documentary that followed a group of soldiers as they established an outpost in the dangerous mountains of Afghanistan. These soldiers were willing to sacrifice everything - comfort, personal safety, family relationships, a future, and comrades - for a cause. And it got me to thinking.

What war am I willing to fight?

There are so many causes that are valuable, but I have to wonder what one battle I would be willing to fight until the end. People often refer to the hills they will die on, but really - I don't believe that there are more than one...maybe two...convictions that people will honestly risk everything for. There are lots of issues I am willing to argue for or against. There are issues that cause me to vote for or against specific candidates. I even have a few deal breaker convictions that affect my relationships. But for what will I give up my comfortable home, my safety, my lovely life?

I don't think most average Americans - military folks excluded - have a real comprehension of what taking a conviction to its final end is all about. I don't think we (myself included) understand what it is like to move forward without second guessing the cost, to have a conviction run so deep that follow through is a compulsion. I wonder if we truly have convictions we wouldn't second guess when it came to a life altering - actually lifestyle altering - conviction.

This is a conversation Mark and I plan on having very soon - what are we really willing to lay down our comfort, safety, convenience, or relationships for.

I want to come back to this some time and blog through it some more. It's a question that I may be wrestling with for awhile.

B90X Update

2011-01-19T18:50:00.000-08:00

As a part of "The Year of Health" Mark and I are working on our physical and spiritual health. One of the spiritual health components is a hard core Bible reading plan unofficially dubbed "B90X". Essentially you read through the entire Bible in 90 days. It didn't seem too daunting...until about halfway through Day 1. There is a lot of reading. It probably takes me 45 minutes to an hour each day to make it to the next stopping point.

I have to say though - I am thoroughly enjoying it. (Well, OK. Leviticus and Numbers were a bit dry at times...) I have learned so much...so, so much - and I'm only in Judges. I wanted to blog about a few things I'm learning so far.

1. There are a lot of sordid tales in the Bible! I happened to pick up a few novels at the library this week, and I find myself more shocked at some of the stories in the Bible than I am by some of the novels I'm reading. Maury Povich would have a field day with some of these folks. ("Judah...you ARE the father!")

2. Idolatry was - and is - a huge problem. I tend to think of idolatry as an Israelite issue, but when it comes to what offends God, well, I've got issues too. I have had to really examine my own heart as I read about the faltering faith of God's chosen people when they headed out of Egypt. When they built the golden calf, they hadn't seen their leader in 40 days. They didn't know where they were heading. They had just been freed from slavery, but didn't know (or trust) that freedom with God was better. And they tried to deal with the fear by "fixing" things themselves. Through some interesting circumstances recently, I have found myself doing the same thing. God is worth waiting on. Anything I produce in His place is a cheap and potentially deadly imitation.

3. God required the Israelites to drive out and destroy everyone and everything as He led them into the Promised Land. I used to think God did that because He was angry. Now I realize He did that because He is smart. He knows us. I have felt so convicted by this. It only takes one little, seemingly inconsequential "thing" to turn our eyes away from God. The things that cause me doubt or despair or fear or the things that delight me more than God Himself need to be immediately dismissed and removed from my heart. It won't be easy - it wasn't for the Israelites. But if they wanted peace in their land, they needed Go alone and no distractions. The same is true of me.

4. Prostitutes usually lead to trouble...unless they lead to your rescue. I love Rahab. Granted she was a woman of the night, but she recognized and believed that the God of Israel is the one, true God. And she loved her family enough to be sure they were saved along with her. That's good stuff.

5. People really, really needed nicknames.

B90X has been a real challenge for me - and I'm only 19 days in! I have had days when I procrastinated on my reading, but no matter where or when I picked it up, I learned something that really matters. Now I am getting to a point where I look forward to - and almost crave - my time with the Bible. It is a lot like eating healthy - once you start, your body changes its cravings to the good stuff. I hope this keeps happening.

Dooby Dooby Flu

2011-01-17T18:18:00.000-08:00

There is a wonderful children's book by Doreen Cronin and Betsy Lewin called Dooby Dooby Moo. It is a funny, quirky story of Farmer Brown and his cows, sheep, pigs, and a duck that culminates with the winning of a trampoline at the county fair talent show. (You just gotta read it!) In the book, the cows snore/sing "dooby dooby moo", and Cal and I get such a kick out of that every time we read it (it is by far his favorite selection!). We try to find ways to work "dooby dooby moo" or some variation into conversation - which is trickier than you might imagine. Except for today. Today it's easy.

We have the dooby dooby flu here.

With my sincerest apologies to the authors, I have been stuck repeating that phrase in my head for the last 24 hours.

It all started innocently enough with a check up at the pediatrician's office. (Mistake #1 - Taking them to a germ infested place in the hopes of helping them be well.) We went on Thursday because Jude has had a nagging cough for two weeks. It hadn't gotten worse over that time, but it sure hadn't gotten any better. He had a head full of goop (that is the exact medical term, I'm sure), so we left with a prescription to dry him out and clear him up. No problem. But by Saturday night he was clearly worn out, and Sunday morning he walked into our room with his hacking cough, flushed cheeks from fever, and a look of misery on his face. We went to a walk-in clinic and viola - a swab of the nose proved he had "the flu" - a.k.a. influenza - a.k.a. dooby dooby flu.

Because he was still having some trouble breathing I slept near him upstairs and Cal curled up with Mark for the night. Well, what a pleasant surprise (conveying sarcasm with those words), Cal woke up with a hacking cough, flushed cheeks from fever, and a look of misery on his face. Hmmm. I took him to the pediatrician's office, and after the nose swab (well, actually after we had to dress him and carry him to the car, and after he coughed so hard he ended up throwing up in the doctor's office bathroom, and after they had to monitor his O2 levels because he was gasping from said vomiting...after all that) we discovered he also has "the flu" - a.k.a. influenza - a.k.a. dooby dooby flu.

They both have Influenza strain B, to be exact, although I like "dooby dooby flu" better. They are both on Tamiflu (and Jude is on an antibiotic for sinuses as well). Cal has had a lovely afternoon of coughing, gagging, then expectorating chunks of "goop" while Jude accompanies that pleasant sound with a choking, percussive hacking. Over and over and over and over...and over.

Since Mark and I each slept near one or the other of the guys, I can already hear the germ clock ticking down. With every twitch or tickle in my throat, I begin to dread the week ahead. We called and asked our primary care doctor for prescriptions of Tamiflu for each of us as a sort of "preemptive strike", but they prefer we get a nice, festering case worked up before they'll get interested.

So here we are, stuck in a mushroom cloud of germs, and trying to put a fun little spin on the last 24 hours of influenza infestation. I confess - it has been a struggle. But as I leaf though this great children's book, I can't help but smile...just a little.

We have the dooby dooby flu.

Airport Good-Byes

2011-01-15T09:41:00.000-08:00

Today the children who spent four weeks in the USA through New Horizons for Children are returning to Russia, Ukraine, and Latvia. Having been through airport good-byes with the hosting program three times, I can tell you...there is nothing easy about this day for the families or for the children. There is a wide variety of emotion for everyone when it comes to the airport good-byes. Readjustment to "normal" life isn't easy for the children or the families, but there is also the longing for the safety of "normal". The children get to return to a place where the food is familiar and the language is native!

Hosting isn't always a romantic, beautiful experience. It is four weeks of choosing to love someone, to accept them as your own, and to teach in little moments about God, family, love, and trust. The reassurance of fruit from hosting doesn't always grow while the children are here. Every family and child have difficult moments in the weeks of hosting. People often ask us what good it does for families (especially families with children) to open themselves up only to have to say uncertain good-byes. After our failed adoption (we met I. through hosting) many people have wondered if we are still in favor of hosting. Do we really think it is good for families to open their hearts and homes when we have seen and experienced the pain that can bring?

Yes. We do.

Let me be honest. There is nothing that has been easy about the last three months in our family. We are all back into the "normal" routine, but none of us - the boys included - are the same. In some ways, we are broken. In many ways, we are stronger. Selfishly, hosting has been one of the most defining experiences for our family. We've had to decide who we really are, what we, as a family, are called to do, and what we are willing to lay down to be obedient. Are we amazing? Nope. Not at all. There is nothing spiritually spectacular about us. Are we different now? Yes. It has been a long, hard, tear filled road. But, praise God, we are different.

Today I am thinking about all those families standing in the halls of airports hugging their host children good-bye. These past four weeks have probably been filled with laughter, frustration, tears, and wonder. Every family's takeaway from hosting will be different.

Every family will be forever different, too.

I Wish

2011-01-12T18:41:00.000-08:00

Lord,

I believe that Your timing is perfect.

I believe that Your wisdom is unquestionable.

I believe that You are our comfort in trials of many kinds.

I believe that You are trustworthy and always to be praised.

I believe that You are at this very moment working out Your purposes.

I believe that You move mountains, walk on water, and lead your people through deserts.

I believe that You will carry out a work to completion in my life and the life of others.

I believe all these things.

But tonight, Lord, I wish things were the way we thought they would be.

Marriage and Trials

2011-01-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

When people hear about our failed adoption and what we've been through, we often get asked the question, "How is your marriage holding up?" Pre-failed adoption I would have been perhaps a bit righteously indignant about that question - after all, I meant it when I said, "For better or worse." But having just gone through the "worse" (at least so far) in our marriage, I understand that question far better now. I appreciate the tender spirit in which it's been asked, because I can see how very easily a difficult time like this could cause a marriage to fall apart. Start with a traumatic event, add emotional and spiritual breakdowns, throw in two very diverse coping mechanisms and grieving timetables...and you have a recipe for marital disaster.

I always take a moment to really give it some thought before I answer the "How is your marriage doing?" question now, because I do see how delicate this relationship can be. I realize how precarious a situation we're in, and I want to be sure I watch for any breaches in our defenses. I have to say though, we are doing well. For all the emotions and questions and pain and grieving Mark and I have been wrestling with, we still have a strong marriage - perhaps even stronger than when this first happened. I've spent some time thinking about why that is. How have we managed to stay connected through the most difficult season we've ever been through as a couple? Let me be clear - I am no marriage counselor. This is not Dr. Phil speaking. But here are just some of my own observations about our marriage through this trial.

1. We started strong. I am the first to admit (and Mark will be a close second to admit!) we do not have a fairy tale marriage. We aren't living Cinderella and Prince Charming here. (You know at some point in the sequel Prince Charming muttered, "Why can't she put these &%$! glass slippers in the closet where they belong?!?"...) We have our moments of frustration and our pet peeves like everyone else. But to be honest, we really like each other. We laugh a lot. We are learning how to work through issues instead of stewing about them. We talk to each other. We went into this adoption process with a typical, but healthy marriage and I think that has helped immensely.

2. Our scars match. There is no one else in this world who saw the looks on the faces of the orphan court with me. There is no one else who can understand the pain of walking down the stairway of that government building without the daughter of our hearts. There is no one else who knows, truly knows, what that one night did to our hearts. Losing I. changed a lot of people forever, but for Mark and I the scars that are left are identical. We both lived through those moments side by side. While we don't grieve the same, and we probably won't heal the same, the scars that will always remain are a match. There is great comfort in that.

3. We made a decision. Once we got settled in a hotel the night we lost I. Mark did something that I will forever be grateful for. We were both in shock, heartbroken, confused, and afraid. Even in all that, Mark turned to me and said, "Let's make a promise. We will never use what happened here against each other, and we will never allow what happened here to cause us to turn away from Christ." That was probably the most defining moment for us - we made a conscious decision about how we were going to survive the coming days and weeks. The really important boundaries we needed were put in place that night, and that has given us a lot of safety and freedom to experience what we feel without fear. This isn't to say that we haven't allowed ourselves to question God. As I told a friend, this experience hasn't separated me from God, but it sure has caused our conversations to be a lot more sober and uncomfortable. The same is true of our marriage - we don't pretend we aren't hurting, we just hurt collectively and not at each other.

4. We say the awful things to each other. When I am struggling with sorrow or anger or fear, I tell Mark. When he has moments that are hard for him, he confides in me. I don't expect him to be able to make it better, but at least I know he understands. We were with a group of friends the other day when a particular song that I. loved came on. Our eyes met, and without words we both knew...ugh. One of those moments was happening, and there was nothing we could do about it but share it with a look. I can say how I feel without any filter, no matter how ridiculous or spiritually immature it may be.

5. Rummy. Sounds crazy, but as I thought about why we have been able to get through these first months with our marriage still strong, I immediately thought of rummy. Mark and I took cards with us to Latvia and we spent a lot of time playing rummy. We have continued that almost as therapy! We sat in the airport in Riga waiting for our flight home playing rummy, we played at night when we couldn't sleep from jet lag, and we still play a few hands each day. The mindlessness of the card game combined with a chance to talk (sometimes serious, sometimes smack talk) has been some of our sweetest time through one of the roughest seasons. I know it sounds crazy, but when I start to catch myself feeling blue, I'll ask Mark to play cards and even if I lose (which I don't much, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes), I always feel a little better. I have no idea why, I just know it works.

I realize that we still have a long ways to go, and that there will always be another trial around the corner. Going through this loss is giving us a lot of practice with difficulties and marriage. I have a new appreciation for the delicate nature of a marriage. Shared grief is often unwanted but beautiful intimacy. Like I said, I am no expert, but I am thankful that we have made it this far as a couple. I am praying we continue to heal together.

Football Fun

2011-01-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

How Do You Know?

2011-01-04T15:29:00.000-08:00

As Mark and I have talked and prayed about the future of our family, we are faced with some big decisions. It isn't so much the decisions that stress me out, it is the trying to discern what God wants us to do that causes my struggle.

In the Bible God revealed His messages through various means - a still, small voice, a hand writing on a wall, a flash of light and an audible voice, dreams. I confess here and now, I am really pulling for the audible voice, because with all of the emotional and spiritual toll of the last few months, I worry I won't be able to recognize His prompting through the very delicate healing happening. It is also hard to trust our ability to follow Him, because...well, we thought we did and it didn't end up "successful" by the world's standards. I don't doubt that we were doing what was right. I just don't understand why God led us to the outcome He did.

We still have hope, we still have joy, but we also have wobbly faith legs right now. We don't want to delay when He needs us to go, and we don't want to go when His perfect timing needs to be lingered over. We feel a bit frozen, and although it very well may be God's plan for us to wait, I worry that we are pausing because of fear more than discernment.

Tonight I pray for peace and wisdom. I pray I will recognize God's hand on our lives. I pray faith would overcome fear. I pray that somehow, we will know.

The Year of Health

2011-01-03T07:58:00.000-08:00

A little over a year ago, a wise friend of mine shared that she and her husband choose a word or theme for the new year to help them stay focused on a main priority. It seemed like an easier and far more inspiring idea than the traditional list of resolutions, so Mark and I decided to do the same. Last year was the year of adoption by default, so this is the first year we've really been able to talk through our priorities and decide what to focus on for the next 12 months.

You might be surprised how hard an exercise this is! There are many areas of our life that need special attention, and we have big decisions to make in the next 12 months. It seems as if life has a million strings pulling at us both, and we spent a lot of time in conversation about what was going to be really important for us at this point in our family's life. After much thought and prayer and discussion, 2011 is going to be the Year of Health.

Most people make resolutions about exercise and diet at the new year, but we wanted this to be more than just the "I'll eat healthier and/or diet, and exercise three times a week" kind of deal. Definitely physical health is a huge part of what we want to focus on. Mark wants to get back into half-marathon shape, I want to (OK, let me rephrase - "need to"..."want to" is just not believable.) go back on the Dr. Holistic eating again - which, by the way, would be a lot easier if Pepperidge Farms would make a gluten free, wheat free, dairy free, organic cinnamon sugar bagel. Jude is taking iron supplements for anemia, and Calvin has a dairy intolerance. Clearly, we could all use some serious modification in our eating habits.

The Year of Health also gives me permission to make my karate classes a high priority. Between Cal's tonsil surgery and our travel and missing other classes here and there, I was, for a brief period of time, the Perpetual Orange Belt (which made me feel like I was competing with Mary the mother of Jesus for some strange "perpetual" title.). I want to sit down with my instructor and come up with a realistic, yet challenging plan for the year.

The other, very important aspect of the Year of Health is that we are taking our spiritual health far more seriously. After everything that happened with our failed adoption, we know that we need to be spiritually healthy for the inevitable twists and turns of life. Mark and I (and my friend Ang and anyone else who wants to join us!) are doing the "B90X" Bible reading plan (as dubbed by my arch nemesis). We are going to read through the Bible in 90 days. The whole Bible. Yeah.

Mark and I have read the Bible for years, but never all the way through and never in such an intentional way. I gotta admit, it is fairly hard core. I got behind on January 1st (who's your daddy), and spent over an hour catching up last night. But already it has been really profound and eye opening. Did you know that man was intended to only eat green plants and seeds in the Garden of Eden? Not until later did God give permission for us to eat meat. (Dr. Holistic would have a field day with that one.) The first mention of the word "worship" actually comes when Abraham says he and his son are "going up the mountain to worship", when God had commanded Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. It's just been so interesting, and every so often I'm going to do a B90X update post here to share where I'm at and what I'm learning. There are a lot more aspects to spiritual health, but for the first few months, we want to get to know God better through His Word.

I'm hoping we can make some important changes in our physical and spiritual health, and I think then the other aspects of our life will more naturally fall into place. So...now it's out there. I'm cyber accountable. (Gulp.) Be gentle, but every so often, feel free to "comment" me for a Year of Health update.

2010

2010-12-31T08:26:00.000-08:00

I spent time yesterday trying to write a "summary post" of the past year, but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't put something like that together. I think it is because we are still trying to process through all the twists and turns, ups and downs, joys and heartaches of the last 12 months. Instead, may I present a more brief, less insightful "2010" post.

Book of the Year: Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall, Denver Moore, and Lynn Vincent. Recommended by my sister who usually offers up some good suggestions (of course, there was the "Harold and Maude" film debacle...). I sat and read this book in an evening because I simply had no other choice. I am not sure I have cried as much over the pages of a book since Where the Red Fern Grows. This book is a lovely story, made almost unbearably beautiful because it is true. Should be required reading for everyone over 15.

Movie(s) of the Year: (Bear in mind, I can hardly remember what happened last week, let alone 11 months ago so I may forget some good ones...) She's Out of My League, Ironman 2, Despicable Me, Red, and Due Date (no judgement, please.). Due Date and She's Out of My League were very pleasant surprises, and although they had some questionable moments in them, they made me laugh out loud. Red just plain rocked with an all star ensemble cast that hit it out of the park. Honorable mention would be The Karate Kid (but why a romantic story line for 12 year olds??? Really???). Disappointments were Invictus (sorry, Morgan Freeman - you know I still love and adore you) and The Last Song with Miley Cyrus. She's not ready. Clearly. The movie we turned off the quickest was "The Ugly Truth". Didn't even make it 10 minutes in.

Television Show of the Year: After jumping off the Glee bandwagon (a difficult break up if I'm being honest), we settled back into our sports heavy viewing habits once again. 2010 did bring one delightful discovery - Masterpiece Theater on PBS. I enjoyed many evenings of Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, and even Charlotte Bronte. GREAT discovery...loved it.

Personal Discovery of the Year (non spiritual): Karate. Hands down the greatest "new thing" of 2010. It is hard to believe that this time last year we were only thinking of putting Calvin in karate, and now three of us take it twice a week. I cannot say enough about how much I love martial arts. It has been an amazing physical discipline for me, but also a huge mental discipline as well. By far, the best investment we made this year.

Biggest Flop of the Year: My friend LaDona and I were going to start an Internet talk show together. We had topics, names, a set, and costumes bought (from Goodwill...no huge financial loss here), but we never got around to actually doing it. For those of you who have seen the two of us together, I can sense your relief. For those of you who haven't, well, if we decide to put it out there, I'll let you know.

Best Purchase of the Year: Mark did the nearly unthinkable and ventured out on Black Friday to look at TVs. He ended up scoring a HUGE financial coup by snagging a 50 inch plasma TV for our bonus room. We had this monstrosity of a big screen TV which was actually one of the largest pieces of furniture we owned, so hanging this lovely, crisp TV on the wall caused the angels to sing in delight. (OK, maybe that was Mark behind me...) We are loving the new TV...and the new floor space.

Personal Discovery of the Year (spiritual): Lots of opportunity this year for spiritual growth. (And not in the fun way.) Three main things I am realizing this year - 1) I would rather obey a God who is trustworthy in difficult or heartbreaking places than a god who cannot bear up under the hard questions those circumstances raise. 2) God can change hearts. He changed our family's heart, and I am certain we will never be the same. 3) Waiting is a far more difficult spiritual discipline than doing ever could be. I'll let you all do any more in depth analyzing of these if you want. I'm still trying to live them out, so they aren't ready for any pretty spiritual bow on top right now.

Regret of the Year: It probably isn't the one you're thinking. We do not regret for a moment everything we went through and did for the failed adoption. I know logically (and financially) we should, but that isn't the reality in our hearts and minds. We wouldn't change any of the moments we had with I., except the outcome, but we accept the way things are, and have only love in our hearts for her. But through other little moments of 2010, I realize my greatest regret is not listening to that still, small voice in my gut that I usually try to drown out with "nice girl" logic. There is a reason God gave that to me. I better start using the discernment and hesitations He provides. If I would have this year, I would have avoided some difficult circumstances.

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year!

The "After"

2010-12-29T18:50:00.000-08:00

Finally (mostly) finished the boys' bedroom! What a project! We painted the whole room, added curtains and new bedding, removed the closet doors, added shelving and storage bins, and put a desk in there for studying. Each of the boys also has their own reading lamp on their bunk - here's hoping they use it to do some extra reading!

We still have some wall decorating to do, but overall I am thrilled to have this project (mostly) finished!

Right before we started painting

The closet - where they only hid their dirty clothes...

After! Enjoying some reading time.

Ready for studying

Finally organized and useful

The Urge to Purge!

2010-12-27T18:02:00.000-08:00

I'm sure some psychologist would have a field day with me right now.

I am experiencing a huge urge to purge. It started the night after Christmas when I decided that I wanted to tackle redoing the boys' bathroom (which is also the guest bathroom...as an aside, in my next house these two things will be separate!). But it didn't make much sense to tackle that project before we got the Christmas decorations put away.

Putting the Christmas decorations away led to a total purge/reorganization of the Christmas decoration storage.

The Christmas decoration purge/reorganization led to an attic overhaul which involved sorting through a dozen garbage bags of "stuff" not to mention countless bins of assorted goods.

The attic purge led to a sizable amount of baby/toddler clothes that need to go to Goodwill. And I figure, why send all that to Goodwill without going through my closet as well? So I ended up purging clothes, shoes, and purses from my closet.

Since I was already sorting through purses, I decided to root through the hall closet and be sure I have all the bags I don't want ready to go out the door. While I was working there, I sorted through all the coats as well.

Of course, all of this reminded me that we really need to do some serious work on the boys' room. Jude and Cal share a room (by choice...for now), and even though it is an OK room they are only ever in it for the hours they sleep. They do not play, read, or study in that room. At all. Ever. So Mark and I decided to do some work on the boys' bedroom...since we were already at it in every other nook and cranny of the house. We're getting ready to prime the walls. And that's only the beginning for that room.

Industrial size trash bags...
full of clothes for Goodwill!

The boys' bedroom

Their closet. They only use it to hide dirty clothes.
I've got a better idea!

My favorite project. All my "special" baby outfits of the boys.
I'm labeling them for storage so they'll know what and whose they are!

Many projects started. None quite completed...yet. The urge to purge has created quite a mess, but hopefully we will all like having less things which are better organized when we are all done!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T19:55:00.000-08:00

Although this was not the Christmas we had planned, we gave ourselves permission to "re-plan" our holiday. It was really lovely despite the reality of not having I. with us while also remembering the special Christmas we shared last year with her. I'll be back soon to blog about the details and to share some more thoughts in my head and on my heart, but for now I just want to say...

Merry Christmas!

In Case You Weren't Around Here...

2010-12-19T18:49:00.000-08:00

...for the Christmas '08 video, here it is! For those who have already seen this, I figured it was about time for an encore presentation!

Thank You

2010-12-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to write an official, yet totally heart felt "thank you" to everyone who has walked with us through this adoption journey. Mark and I realize again how blessed we are to have such faithful friends and family who have loved us through this crazy, difficult time.

Thank you...

To Harold and LaDona for being our rock. Seeing you in the airport that night was the only thing that could have helped. Thank you for crying with us, laughing with us, and helping my mom get the Nav light off. You are the truest of true friends, and we love you.

To our church family for fully embracing this crazy idea of ours, for celebrating with us, and for mourning with us. Your prayers, meals, and kind words are a healing balm. We love you all.

To my parents for keeping the boys. Way to go, mom! You survived life with two BOYS and came out smiling! We never had to worry while we were gone...and that made the trip a joy. It was such a blessing to us, and the boys have the most precious memories. They are blessed to have five of the greatest grandparents ever!

To my sisters Smead, for encouraging us (and not in a harsh way) and for being my Skype go to gal for the breakdown and Plan "B" changes, and Elaine for loving on my boys while we were gone. They loved every minute of it! (Now move down here so you can home school them!)

To our adoption team who has been nothing but FANTASTIC through every single step we took. Encouraging, helpful, fun, and loving. There - really there - through the ups and downs. We have made some special relationships with folks who have beautiful hearts for children. Thank you to our case worker, our lawyer, and the hosting folks.

To everyone who prayed for us Really. Everyone. I know there have been folks following the blog as we chronicled our journey, and every prayer you've prayed has made a difference. We believe in the power of prayer, and we are humbled and grateful beyond words for each of you. Thank you.

To the daughter of our hearts You are worth it all. Thank you for every moment we shared. Know we love you, pray for you, and want all the very best for your life. You are an amazing young lady - and you have blessed us beyond measure. Even though things didn't turn out like we expected, we still carry you in our hearts and pray God will bless you and keep you, that He will make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you.

I know no matter how much I try, I may forget someone, but please know that every prayer, encouraging word, and act of kindness has blessed our hearts.

Thank you.

Snow Days!

2010-12-14T18:05:00.000-08:00

I know, I know...it is hard for me to believe it too, but there IS such a thing as a snow day in the South! And if you're lucky, there can even be two snow days in a row!

We got our first (and potentially only) snowfall of the season on Sunday, totaling a whopping 2". I have learned not to laugh too hard at the wave of panic south of the Mason-Dixon because under the dusting of fluffy whiteness is usually an invisible layer of solid ice. That was the case on Sunday...and Monday...and even in some spots Tuesday. We got to enjoy two snow days.

School has not been cancelled (yet...) for tomorrow (they're predicting an afternoon mess of freezing rain/snow/sleet), so we took the opportunity to enjoy our last hours of snow day by decorating our Christmas tree. We had a wonderful time, and I am reminded to be thankful once again for what we have as a family.

Delineating

2010-12-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

One of the most helpful things I learned from reading Molly Piper's blog on grieving is that grief is not linear. This has been good information for me lately because otherwise I might think I was backsliding.

A year ago tomorrow we first met one sweet, funny, amazing, interesting girl from Latvia. I will never forget the first moment I saw her, and I will never for a moment forget her. She brought joy and laughter into our home and lives, and we thank God for every minute we were blessed to have with her.

We've been busy preparing for Christmas, and in the hustle and bustle of that I have had moments of smiling and laughter. I have been able to briefly forget the reason for the small physical ache in my gut. I was moving forward. But yesterday...yesterday I delineated. Yesterday I felt so very sad. I missed her. I worried that we will never hear from her again. I tried everything I could think of to distract myself, but eventually I realized I just needed to feel the sad. It sucked. I don't want to be sad. Despite this loss, I know I still have a beautiful life. I have these two boys who are my joy and my delight. I have a husband I not only love, but I just plain like too. Have I mentioned recently how darling my dog is? My sadness about losing I. doesn't take away the joy my many blessings bring me. But yesterday I just had to feel the sad. Otherwise I am afraid it will never dull.

I imagine tomorrow may have moments of grief as I think about how much can change in year - the good and the bad of 365 days. But I also hope I will have moments of hope and joyful expectation as many other families across the U.S.A. welcome their Latvian Christmas children through the hosting program. Although grief is not linear, there are steps forward to be made. I pray each day I find a bit more joy one small step at a time.

Gift Giving Help Wanted!

2010-12-10T07:01:00.000-08:00

OK, help!

Every year I try to really "wow" my husband with a great Christmas present. He and I have totally different attitudes toward gift giving/receiving - I want to surprise him with something beyond his wildest expectations, and he..well, he wants what he tells me he wants. While he usually gets what he wants for Christmas, I never quite feel like I have done my job well.

I think part of this gift giving/receiving rut we are in is a result of 12 years of total misses on my part. The ultimate Christmas miss was our first year as an engaged couple. Fortunately I had that "he's so in love" thing going for me...otherwise he might have really been mad about the patent leather women's mood watch I gave him. (In my defense, it didn't look like patent leather in the case and it was sitting in the men's section...) So admittedly, my history of gift giving leaves a bit to be desired.

Over the last few years Mark has given me a list off of which to work. Yes, that gets him what he wants, but it leaves me feeling like a bad wife. "Gifts" is my love language, so shopping from a list makes me feel like a total failure. The bigger problem this year is that Mark has no list. Nothing. Nada. He has all the paintball gear he could want or need (as well as all the paintball gear an entire football team could ever want or need), he works from home so work clothes are unnecessary, and he isn't into the traditional "man" gifts. (Again, he isn't into women's gifts either as evidenced by the mood watch debacle of '98...) I have NO ideas for him, and it is getting to be crunch time.

So, dear readers...help! I really want to get something special for Mark for Christmas...and I got nuttin'! What are some great "guy" gifts you have given? I'm hoping something will kick start my mind into finding just the "right" thing!

Sick and Sad

2010-12-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

It's my own personal nightmare - we have the stomach flu in our house! So far it is only Cal Henry, but I fear it is just a matter of time before it spreads. Ugh... I really, really dislike throwing up! He is being a total trouper, and so far I'm even being brave. This is one of the worst parts of motherhood for me (and one of the best parts for stockholders in Lysol!).

Other than the puke, we are...OK. We are sad. This is not the Christmas we planned on having, but we are finding moments of joy even though we all feel the void. I went to a women's gathering for our church last night and I was totally overwhelmed by all the sorrow people bear. Everyone has hurts and grief and pain, and each of us have moments when it becomes a heavier burden than we can carry alone. I am thankful for all the folks who love us and are praying for us. We are praying for other families who are hurting right now too.

The Hymn of My Heart

2010-12-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

The words to one of my favorite hymns have brought me such comfort today.

When peace like a river attendeth my way;
When sorrows like sea billows roll.

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
"It is well, it is well with my soul."

Quote of the Day

2010-12-06T10:07:00.000-08:00

Mark and I just spent some time having a good heart to heart talk about our family, our hopes, and our future. Although it's only been a few weeks since our "future plans" fell through, we are already feeling restless in this stuck place we have been since then. I don't know if it's a Westernized culture thing or a prompting from God, but we want to get unstuck. We talked and talked and talked. But one thing I said summed it all up perfectly:

It is hard to gain momentum when you don't know where you're going.

That's us. We know that we need to not stay in this place. We're ready to take the next baby step, but we have absolutely no idea which direction to go. We will always, always, always love and care for the daughter of our hearts, but we have to keep moving...somewhere. For the first time in our marriage, we don't know what is next.

So after all that talking, we resolved to...wait. It is really hard to do that - we feel like we've spent the last year waiting. But the only thing that scares us more than staying here is discovering we have ended up somewhere we don't want to be. We're going to wait and see what God has in store for us. We will wait for Him to guide our first, tentative baby steps.

Re-Entry

2010-12-05T19:08:00.000-08:00

This morning I took a good first step in getting back to "normal" life - the boys and I went to church. I've been laying really low since we got back from Latvia. Some of that is because I am emotionally and physically tired, and part of that is because it is too hard to see people I know or don't know who say or do something innocently that reminds me of our loss. You would be amazed how many little things can trigger a soul ache.

But this morning I knew it was time to step back in the loving arms of my church community. One of the delicate lines to walk is to be able to give the boys what they need when I feel like an empty reservoir most of the time. But I knew they were missing their church buddies and having that place where they fully belong, and it was time for Mark and I to share our hearts with people who will love us. I was pretty nervous, mainly because I hadn't seen anyone from there and because every knew what had happened. And I didn't know if I wanted to talk about it or not. I didn't know if I would laugh or cry or feel numb.

It was actually great. People just loved me. I laughed a little, cried a little, talk about it some, and didn't talk about it other times. I just was what I was, and it felt nice to be OK being whatever I was. I am so glad we went, and I am glad I have such an amazing place to go for my first step into "re-entry".

Freezing Football

2010-12-04T12:11:00.000-08:00

This morning I took the boys to a Punt, Pass, and Kick event in our town. I can't believe I have children old enough for this! I remember when Jude was born I would imagine what it would be like to see him competing in sports, and suddenly I realize...we're there! While the boys love karate, they are both also interested in football (and pretty much every other sport) so off we went.

Did I mention it was freezing cold? It rained all night last night, and it just didn't warm up so while the boys ran around with friends punting, passing, and kicking, I stood there for an hour and a half (the alternative was to sit on an ice cold, wet metal bleacher...so standing it was!), and lost feeling in all my appendages. I don't know what has happened to this once hardy northwestern PA girl - there wasn't a flake of snow, and I was so cold I couldn't even shiver anymore!

In the end, the boys had a blast, they each brought home a ribbon, and I eventually thawed out.

Request for Privacy

2010-12-02T05:03:00.001-08:00

During our adoption journey, we got to know several people in Latvia - most intimately, our lawyer (who has the most beautiful heart) and six women who served on the Orphan Court. Through a very difficult time, God blessed us with these people who were wise, compassionate, fair, kind, and focused. Mark and I still comment to each other how remarkable these people were, and how well they handled every aspect of our situation. We are thankful for all they did throughout the process for everyone involved. They have our utmost respect and gratitude.

There are also people who were loosely involved in our situation there who continue to visit this blog daily. We assume this is with the best of intentions, but we believe it would be best for everyone if this stopped. While this is a public blog, we would appreciate it if you would honor our privacy at this difficult time.

She Gets It.

2010-11-30T19:12:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Lord, for Molly Piper.

After hearing what we were going through, my pastor's wife (which, as a total aside, makes her sound stuffy and prim and unapproachable...my pastor's wife is fun, amazing, real - all that and a bag of chips. I am so thankful for her...) emailed me a link to a blog written by Molly Piper. In 2007, Molly gave birth to their daughter, Felicity, who was still born. In the subsequent months she wrote a blog series called "How to Help Your Grieving Friend" sharing very transparently her grieving experience to help others know what grieving friends may be feeling. I sat and read every entry in that series today...and I cried. Oh my gosh, Molly Piper gets it. She was able to put words, eloquent words, to all these emotions inside and address some of my deepest fears as we walk through the near future.

I realize that some people would say that a failed adoption isn't the same as having a still born baby. I do not minimize anyone else's grief, nor do I want to over dramatize what we are feeling right now. But I have to tell you, I couldn't begin to imagine how difficult this could be. As I read Molly's blog posts I realized that although I have always been sympathetic, I didn't fully understand that there are some hurts that may heal, but still leave a lifelong scar. Hearts that break are forever tender in spots. I never got that...until now. It was so helpful because for days I have wondered, "How will I get over this?" and now I think it isn't about getting over the grief, but learning to live with and despite it.

A couple of things Molly shared really spoke to my heart. The first was the post titled, "There Is No Timetable". She talks about getting through the acute grieving periods - the intense moments shortly after your loss. But there are lots of other, difficult moments down the road. She sums it up best with this sentence: Grief is not linear. I really thought once I got out of the shocked, numb phase I would move through the check list of feelings and soon be back to my old self. I have moments of that, but it is often one step forward, two steps back. I am not good at this. I can't seem to predict what will set off a wave of sadness or provoke a few tears to slip out. Yesterday is a perfect example. I went out shopping by myself. (First trip out in public - one step forward.) Then the clerk commented that something I bought was cute, did I buy it for my daughter (Innocent question...knocked the breath out of me...two steps back.). Of course, the grieving gets a little messier when you factor in my husband with an engineering degree - he wants to know the formula to get through this with the most efficiency- and my theater degree - I want these feelings to channel themselves into something cathartic - and you have a hot mess of emotions with no clear way out. Knowing grief isn't linear frees us up to go moment to moment without feeling like we are failing "the test".

Another amazing post called "She Can't Grieve on Command", seems like it was written just for me. One of my biggest fears when it comes to "re-entry" back into normal life is that people, in the best of intentions, will want me to be emotionally transparent...all the time. As a recovering people pleaser, the thought of these kind of encounters terrifies me. I can see myself frantically going through this mental script, "Do they want me to cry? Do they want me to make a joke? Do they need me to try and put a spiritual bow on top of this experience?" And then the final question - "Can they handle it if I do any one of these?"

I don't know minute to minute how I will be feeling. There are brief moments when I can get so distracted by the business of life that I forget the specific cause of the ache in my chest. Those are not the moments when I can transparently share my heart as a reply to the ever vague "How are you doing?" I cannot guarantee I will give people the response they are seeking - not specifically words, but even emotions. Understanding that this fear is normal makes me much more ready to face it.

The post Molly wrote called "Avoid the Flippant Comfort of Hallmark Answers" also cleared up something very important for me. Because pain and grief are uncomfortable not only for those going through it, but also for those watching, people often feel the need to offer a tidy, neat nugget of truth to help ease the uncomfortableness. Here's my problem - while others have been wonderful with their words and support, I have been the one trying to find the Hallmark answer for this whole experience. Guess what? Don't have it yet. And I've given up trying to find one right now - possibly ever this side of heaven. I realize that I need comfort from God more than I need an explanation...even though I want the explanation more at this moment.

Reading what Molly Piper wrote was so helpful for me right where I am at now, but it also helped me appreciate and love the people I know who have walked through deep grief before me. I thought about my amazing friend who has suffered miscarriages, and yet still gets up and parents her son with more courage and strength than I ever realized it must take for before now. You are truly beautiful, friend. I thought of my grandmother, who in the course of six months in 1971 lost her daughter-in-law, watched her son's slow recovery from life threatening injuries, lost her husband unexpectedly three days before Christmas, and then went through major back surgery. I have always adored her, but after going through this, my heart aches with both pride and sadness when I recall her answering quietly, "Not long enough..." when I asked her how long she and my grandfather were married. I have a new respect for the strength it takes to live life with the ugly badge of grief many people wear.

I don't mean to belabor the point. I truly am not trying to wallow in this. But I feel like I will do no one any good if I put on a fake smile and pretend my way through the next few weeks and months. I believe I will have more moments of joy and laughter as time passes. I know who our family is and I know we will become a new version of that. I know God is faithful. As much as I want to forget all of this, then I would have to choose to leave the joy behind with the sadness. And although the sadness is suffocating at times, I wouldn't give it all back. There was too much joy.

Barnstrong

2010-11-29T20:16:00.000-08:00

I know I have blogged about this before, but this perfectly describes where I am at today so I am going to go there again! Bear with me...

Growing up, our family raised sheep. My dad and sister had breeding ewes, and all three of us daughters raised sheep in 4-H for several years. We learned a lot about sheep growing up on our little "farm", and there is a lot of rich (and sometimes painful/humbling) truth to learn from the Bible's analogy of us as sheep and God as the Shepherd.

We would walk our 4-H sheep each day up the road, past a beautiful 10 acre lot that often had hay or lush grass growing in it. You would think that as we walked back home past this amazing field of food, the sheep would pull on the halters to get to the acres of grass and hay...but they didn't. Sheep are barnstrong - once they realize they are heading back to the barn, nothing becomes more important than getting back to the familiar. They would pull and tug on the halters, straining to get back to a barn where there wasn't any hay left to eat until night time and the grass wasn't nearly as lush or thick. But it was what was familiar...and a barnstrong sheep will settle for what is familiar even if it means passing by what is best.

This is a great picture of how I am feeling right now. When we realized we would be returning home without the daughter of our heart, all I could think about was rushing frantically back to our life of relative ease and comfort. In my heart I was pulling on the halter, struggling to get back to the status quo of the American dream we were living before God put adoption in our hearts. Even though the "American dream" is nothing but an empty barn, it was where I wanted to return to emotionally and spiritually.

I don't know what the future holds for our family. I really don't. But I realized today that I have been barnstrong in my heart. My emotional and spiritual self-preservation had led me to put my head down and flatly refuse to look around at where God might be leading me. I confess, I have been totally content to head back to the "barn", even though I might miss something better in the process.

Of course, the key word there is process. This is all a process. There is nothing anyone can say to make this all better, and there is no way to get over this except to go through it. But I caught myself today trying to stubbornly tug God along back to the safety of the "barn", even though I realize that may not be where he is leading our family. He may have something else for us, or He may just want to spend more time with me without the distractions of the former status quo. Either way, I realized that I need to stop pulling. I need to allow myself to be led. I don't know where God is leading, but I need to stop trying to get back to that old, empty barn.

Twists and Turns

2010-11-28T19:49:00.000-08:00

I am participating in an "adoption blog hop" where bloggers who have a connection with adoption can share their stories and heart with other adoption minded folks. Of course, I signed up for this blog hop before our adoption fell through, so my blog and adoption story has taken a turn I didn't expect! But I really want to continue blogging about our situation and our heart because I believe that somewhere there may be another family who has dealt with the pain of a failed adoption or who, heaven forbid, may face this difficult situation in the future. I do not in any way want to be rain on the adoption parade. In fact, quite the opposite is true - we have, more than ever before, a heart deeply affected by adoption, and through the last few weeks we have experienced more emotions than you can imagine when it comes to adoption. There is bad, there is ugly, but most of all there is good. We still firmly believe that.

But back to the blog hop! I was reading another family's adoption blog and I read a great quote that the mom wrote in her journal as they walked out some major twists and turns during one of their adoptions. She wrote, "The truth is, You do allow twists and turns because it forces us to dig deep and grow closer to You." Wow. Something about that really hit me. One of the things I have struggled with the most over the last week or so is that we never had a moment of doubt that we were doing the "right" thing. I don't mean that we had this noble sense of piety mixed with self importance, but that, for our family at this time, Mark and I both felt that we were being led by God. We believed that it was His desire for us to become parents to this amazing girl. In all the times we prayed, neither of us had a moment of doubt or a red flag - if we had, it would almost make this easier.

Meaning well, people have said that God has a plan for our family and that this may be a part of bringing that plan to fruition. I understand where they are going with that, but my sensibilities struggle with the notion that we needed to fail miserably and be broken hearted to get to the "good stuff". And no matter what happens in our family's future, nothing will erase our care and concern for this dear girl and the pain of the last few weeks. It is a real emotional and spiritual struggle, and while I know everyone wants to be able to help us by putting a nice red bow of Truth around what has happened, it isn't that easy.

The comfort in that quote is the reminder that God knows it isn't that easy. The painful twists and turns aren't a cruel sense of "pay attention to Me!" on God's part. But I am amazed and encouraged that God is so good and so faithful a friend that He will take this...mess...and welcome us (and our mess) in His arms and heart. I don't know that I expect God to reveal in perfect sense why this has happened the way it did this side of heaven, but I am so, so thankful that when nothing else makes sense and our hearts are hurting, He is there. I knew He would be there for us in our adoption, I just didn't realize that He is just as faithful when we grieve a failed adoption.

Please don't think this is all unicorns, sunshine, and rainbows. It is an emotional roller coaster, and we have a lot to wrestle through and feel as we move forward with a different life than we had planned. There are moments that feel really difficult. But there are also moments of peace, which I think is just miraculous through all these twists and turns.

My Favorite Holiday

2010-11-27T16:29:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have been around this blog (or my real life) for more than a year, you probably already know that today we celebrated my favorite holiday - Kitchen Christmas. It isn't a widely celebrated holiday (although geographically it is spreading...), but it is one of my favorite days of the whole year.

My Kitchen Christmas elves

The gang working on ornaments

The "before"

The "after"

Kitchen Christmas started back around 1962 in my Grandma's kitchen in Pennsylvania when my oldest cousin, Doug, was a few years old. She and my grandfather put up a little tree in their kitchen (my grandma jokes that since she spent so much time in that room, she ought to have a tree in there to enjoy!) and they let Doug make ornaments to hang on that tree. We've never missed a Kitchen Christmas since. Over the years the ornament ideas have ranged from a cardboard star covered in aluminum foil to strung popcorn to hand print cutouts, but the fun hasn't ever changed. It was always a day I looked forward to - lots of food, fun, and family and laughter.

Even though we now live 12 hours from my grandma's kitchen, we have continued the tradition, as have many of my cousins who also live too far away to gather together on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. This year we celebrated with friends who feel like family here in TN, making ornaments and enjoying cookies, games, and fun. I hope my boys continue to celebrate Kitchen Christmas when they are grown and married with families of their own.

Here are some pictures of my favorite holiday...

Bass Pro and Cal Henry

2010-11-25T10:54:00.000-08:00

Last night Cal Henry and I went to Bass Pro Shop to see Santa and have some fun in their "Santa's Workshop" which featured games, crafts, toys to play with, and lots of fun! He was really in the Christmas spirit - here are some pictures of our night out together!

Ho, Ho, Ho!

Conversing with the "Big Guy"

Yup. He's excited!

I love this picture. While he is excited to shoot the gun, he refuses to let the candy cane go!

In front of the giant fish tank there. One sad fish!

Thankful

2010-11-25T10:35:00.000-08:00

Although this isn't the Thanksgiving we anticipated having, there is nothing in the world that will cause me to cease thanking my Heavenly Father for who He is and all He has done. We are so blessed, not because of all of the comforts we have in this life, but because of the sureness of the joy of life with Him forever. Thank you God for being in the business of restoration - we trust You hand to continue this work in our hearts and home!

Nov. 24

2010-11-24T09:18:00.000-08:00

(I wrote this this morning more as a personal journal entry because we are not being given the space on this blog we need to grieve as a family. But after re-reading this, I decided to go ahead and post this. I don't want to be afraid any more of what may or may not get lost in translation. Please know my heart. I don't mean to hurt anyone with my words, but keeping everything to myself has just added to the pain of our failed adoption.)

I so wish I could use my blog to put my thoughts down on paper, and I feel even more frustrated and hurt that it doesn’t seem to be a safe place for my honest feelings right now. As if enough hasn’t been taken...

But for now, I will put my thoughts here and hope someday I can share them online.

Right now the question I seem to be wrestling with is where do we go from here? I know it seems pretty early in the grieving process to even begin to think about this, but I wonder if it is my way of avoiding more sadness for now. You know the saying that when God closes a door, He always opens a window? I wonder if I am looking for an open window so I don’t have to hear the sound of a door slamming in the background. Maybe if I look ahead, I won’t have to look back and deal with the pain of the loss. In some ways I can’t imagine moving forward towards another adoption. We weren’t looking to adopt - we were looking to add one sweet, wonderful, amazing girl who was already in our hearts to our home. But now I am left wondering...what now?

I have no idea what our family will do. I know that for the next few months (at least) we will try and recover and readjust our expectations of our family life. In an attempt to make the transition as easy as possible for her, we had planned a lot of our short term future to meet her needs and provide her with reassurance, love, and stability. It is a huge mental and emotional shift for all of us, the boys included. We are slowly making that change, but the progress is minimal at best for now.

One thing that will never change is our love and care for her. She is one of a kind - a jewel. She is amazing and precious, and we trust that God will continue to hold her in His arms and meet all of her needs according to His glorious riches. And we will continue, moment to moment, to trust Him with our family’s future without her.

Grief and Love

2010-11-23T07:34:00.000-08:00

I have not quite figured out how to change the blog to a more private setting, so I am going to be pretty vague until I can do that. I absolutely hate the thought of making people log in to read my blog, but I am afraid there aren't many other safe options at this point. (And if anyone has some idea of how to best do that...can you leave me a comment with detailed, easy instructions????)

Grief and love are two of the strongest emotions a person can feel. I am so fortunate - I have been blessed with an abundance of love in my life, both given and received, and I have been spared great grief up to this point. I have hurt with someone, but to feel the grief in the first person is an experience that defies words. Mix in with that grief a lingering love, and you have the recipe for one emotional hot mess. In actuality, we are doing...OK. We are not going to fall apart, we are not going to shatter, but we will never, ever be the same. This experience has changed us forever, and when I feel secure about the privacy of this blog, I will share more about that. We have loved deeply and lost greatly and now we grieve.

There is a verse in the Bible where Paul says we are "crushed but not destroyed". I know that verse and have taken great comfort from that verse in the past, but what I didn't realize until now is how very, very close "crushed" and "destroyed" can feel. There is really no emotional difference between those two words, except that the hope and truth of God's word tells me there is still space for Him to revive us.

We still laugh...sometimes. We know we will laugh a lot again. That is who God created our family to be. But I suspect there is a place in our hearts that will always carry the mark of this time in our life. The grief will lessen, but enough grief will probably remain to remind us of the great, great love we will always have for the daughter of our hearts.

Painful, Brief Update

2010-11-22T19:03:00.000-08:00

Many of you may have realized by now that the blog is now missing several posts I wrote while in Latvia. I have deleted these posts because, for various reasons, my blog wasn't a safe place for my thoughts through that time. I also deleted them because they served as a painful reminder of what wasn't.

Without going into detail here and now, the adoption of our sweet Latvian daughter has fallen apart. It was unexpected and heartbreaking, and we are still trying to pick up the pieces of our hearts. I would love nothing more than to pour out my thoughts and our experience through this time on the blog, not just for my own personal health but also for any other families who, heaven forbid, go through this. But, again, this is not be a safe outlet for us right now.

I am toying with making this a private blog so that I can once again have the freedom to lay it all out there honestly and vulnerably. If I do that, please, please feel free to "join" or whatever it is a person has to do to gain access to a private blog - especially those visiting from "All Are Precious In His Sight". As awful as it may be, I think there is probably a place for the thoughts of a expectant adoptive mom who is walking out a failed adoption. But to do this, I must know I am safe here.

So keep checking back. I want (and need) this blog to be up and going again.

In the meantime, we covet your prayers for everyone involved.

I Think I Can...I Think I Can...

2010-11-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

...get it together for this trip!

It seems like just when I whittle down the "To Do" list and begin to feel that small sense of relief and satisfaction, I suddenly remember about thirteen more things I need to do! I woke up early this morning and just laid in bed, my mind racing with thoughts, and the sudden realization that two weeks is a long time to be away from the boys. I know they will do great, but I will really, really miss them. (Although tonight as they came out of the room after lights out to tattle on one another I secretly wished this was already my parent's problem!)

On the other hand, Mark and I are really looking forward to seeing Latvia. We have had a heart for this country since we hosted Sintija nearly a year and a half ago, and I am so happy to finally get to taste, see, and listen to Latvia! I have spent a lot of time learning about Latvia's history and culture, and there are so many places in Riga I anticipate visiting! Of course, I am also looking forward to some non-historical fun there...I have Mark almost convinced to take Elsie/Inessa and I to a HUGE indoor water park! Can you imagine the fun!?!?!?!?

I also struggle with my emotions when I think about all that Elsie is going to go through. Yes, I know she loves us and she knows that our family loves her also, but it makes me grieve when I think of her saying good-bye to her foster family. We will, of course, maintain contact with them so that they can follow her through the years, but I know this trip will have its share of tears. Although I have yet to meet them in person, I dearly love her foster family and I hurt for them as well.

We are down to the minute details, and although they keep piling up, come Saturday we will be off one way or the other! I hope to be able to keep this blog updated as we travel, so be sure to check back if you want to follow our adoption journey.

Where Would I Rather Be?

2010-10-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

As I sit here at home tonight in my pajamas I found myself wondering...is there anywhere else I would rather be? So I gave it some thought...

Possibly Happy Valley. I am, of course, watching the Penn State game, and they have looked fantastic tonight. Watching Penn State is one of life's great joys for this geographical transplant. The bumper sticker "If God wasn't a Penn State fan, why did He make the sky blue and white?" was as much a feature of pick up trucks where I grew up as the exhaust pipe, and I have a deep, abiding love and respect for Joe Paterno. Yet I have never been to a Penn State home game. Someday I want to sit among that throng of crazy kids all decked out in white - heck, I'd even like one of those Joe Paterno masks to wear! Happy Valley...yeah. That would be great.

Or how about the upcoming Garth/Trisha concert coming up in Nashville? Boy, I could get jazzed about that! They are coming to do a benefit concert for the Nashville area to help with flood relief (one of the greatest natural disasters to ever hit our country...did you know that?). I saw Garth in concert nearly 15 years ago, and it was life changing. Really. I have my fingers crossed that my not so subtle cyber-hinting will help nudge Mark into getting tickets for a Christmas gift. Sitting in the audience singing along to "Friends in Low Places" and "She's In Love With the Boy" would be fantastic. I want to go there.

I'm not going to lie. You could twist my arm to go back to Ocracoke. Last weekend I spent time sitting in the sunshine listening to the rhythm of the ocean waves, reading a good book and laughing with an even better friend. I got a tan, enjoyed fresh shrimp, and met some really cool people. It is always hard for me to leave the beach - it is a soul reviving place for me.

You are probably thinking Latvia. And you would be mostly right. This time next week I will be on an airplane going to pick up our girl. I cried this morning, just soft, silent tears of joy. I know there will be challenging moments on that trip and at times in our future, but we are all so very thankful and overwhelmed by the blessing of this amazing young lady. We love our Elsie Kate! So yes, I am anxiously anticipating being in Latvia.

But you know what? Tonight, sitting here in my pjs, watching Penn State, my dog snoring softly next to my chair, and my husband laughing at my game-watching antics, I am most content to be right where I am. Life can get crazy busy, and I have been swept up in the frantic pace of all that is going on. I am so thankful for this quiet realization tonight. I am content. I know I won't always be, but in this moment, there is nowhere else I would rather be.

A List

2010-10-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

Through the process of getting ready to travel to Latvia in 8 days, I've become quite good at making lists. It would, of course, be more helpful if I was that skilled at crossing things off of said lists, but hopefully by plugging along over the course of this next week, I will get there too. In the spirit of honing my newly acquired listing skills (and in an attempt to blog about several things at once), here is an "update list". Read away!

1. Vacation. Just got back from five days at Ocracoke, NC with my dear friend Ang. She and I take a vacation a year, and it is better than a year's worth of therapy. She and I are, as Anne Shirley said so eloquently said, kindred spirits. When my family moved south five + years ago, I didn't ever worry that Ang and I would lose touch. We just are the kind of friends that are going to be in each other's life and business forever. I am so thankful for that! She is very wise, fashionable, and hilarious. That is one thing I love about most all of my friends - we know how to laugh! And laugh we did on this vacation. I'll try to remember to post a few pictures.

2. Overwhelmed! This last minute hyperventilating reminds me of the days leading up to my wedding. I was the most laid back bride, but no matter how casual you are, the final days are a flurry of last minute details. That is where we are, and we still have a week to go before we board that plane! There is paperwork to complete, last minute shopping to do, arrangements made for the boys, the dog, etc. The funny thing is that while the details can feel stressful at this point, the actual adoption doesn't cause Mark and I an ounce of stress. I cannot even begin to express how blessed and overwhelmed I feel when I realize that we get to be the parents of this amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, lovely young lady. It literally takes my breath away sometimes when I realize that the girl we love so dearly will one day be officially and always ours. The details may make me a little crazy, but the reality of what is happening brings tears to my eyes even as I type this. How did we ever get so blessed?

3. Climates. I am trying to master how to dress people for three different climates - the temperatures here at home ranging from the low 40s in the mornings to days in the 70s, the boys in northwestern PA for a few days, and then two weeks of Latvian weather! The only answer I can come up with is layers. We shall layer and hope for the best. Now if I can just remember to send the warm clothes with the folks going to the colder places and put the boys in shorts on the days it will be warm at home...

4. Great book series. Upon the recommendation of my dear cousin, Goozle (Yes, she has a real name, but we never call her anything but Goozle.), I began reading a fun Christian fiction series called The Yada Yada Prayer Group by Neta Jackson. Really fun, great books that chronicle a very diverse group of women thrown together in a prayer group at a women's conference. I have gotten so into the characters, but only have the first three books. I'm a little afraid to get the rest of the series because I get so lost in books I may never finish up the lists I've got going!

5. Traveling tips. OK, traveling readers. What little tricks do I need to know for international travel? How would you pass the time on a 17 hour plane trip? (I know, I know. I want to take the rest of the Yada Yada series, but think of heavy that will be! And I don't have a Kindle...bummer...) Good snack ideas? How to handle jet lag? I'm up for any advice/suggestions/don't-do-what-I-did stories you can offer! Don't be shy - post some ideas as a comment for me. I am new to this and can use some experienced pointers!

Adoption Update

2010-10-23T07:16:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a whirlwind recently when it comes to all things adoption. We have our flights booked, our accomodations in Latvia arranged, our childcare for the boys lined up and ready to go, and we are now just sorting through the rest of the "smaller" details - none of which, by the way, feel very small!

We have a lot of mixed emotions at this point. First, of course, is absolute, pure, nearly uncontrollable JOY. Of course we know that there will be many adjustments to make along this road, but the very bottom line is that we are reminded with every butterfly in the stomach how deeply we love this girl. Jude and Calvin keep asking me to tell them again that she will never have to leave us - that she will always be their sister and nothing will be able to change that. They adore her. Adoration really is the best description of how they feel about her. Of course, they will all three have "those" days with each other, but I can testify that the boys' love for their sister runs deep. They miss her with such an intensity, it sometimes surprises me. They want her here to hug and to love and to laugh with. I don't blame them. Mark and I feel the same way. We are tired of this hole in our home and hearts. We want our girl!

We leave in two and a half weeks, and there is still much to do to be ready! I am not a world traveler - unless you count visiting Niagara Falls. (In my defense, it was the Canadian side...) My normal reaction to being out of my comfort zone so far is usually best described as "raw fear", and while there is an element of trepidation, I am mostly really looking forward to seeing Latvia. I am almost hungry to be there and see everything! I am so excited to see Latvia for Latvia (we've spent a lot of time reading and learning about the country - it looks beautiful!), but mostly to see more of Inessa's home country. We will forever be changed into a Latvian/American family, and I take that seriously. We want to hold onto as much of Latvia as she desires and as we can.

So this is where we are - many preparations! I am sure there will be more interesting posts in the near future, but for now - here's the update.